Word selection and nuance are super important in managing open relationship communication. One simple example has been wrestling with the difference between jealousy and envy. Another, more recent revelation, has been the difference between equal and balanced.
One of the most important aspects in our open marriage is that neither Jeannie nor I are looking for partners to replace each other. Instead we’re looking for partners that supplement or compliment our relationship while fulfilling some individual needs or desires. For example, Jeannie likes some aspects of impact play, but not all the same ones that I enjoy. Therefore, my partnering with Justina to play with canes, for example, complimented my relationship with Jeannie. It allowed me to satisfy a craving I cannot satisfy with Jeannie while taking nothing away from Jeannie and me.
This, is balance. This is what open relationships should seek.
This has been a busy and productive time for Viktor and me as we spent the past several months committed to ourselves and to our marriage. And, while things are great now, it took a long time to get that way.
In early November, we each broke up with our respective partners. Those first few days were rough for both of us, having cut off all contact with Justina and Alex. As we joked, it was an elimination diet as we went through the symptoms of withdrawal.
As we struggled to deal with our break-ups, there were times when we thought we were on the brink of divorce — not because we wanted to, but we wondered if we were really still on the same page. Did we both want the same things going forward? And if so, what were they?
So here we are going into week six of social distancing. Like everyone else, we have had our share of good days and bad days, neutral days and a few “I am so fucking over this” days. Through it all, we have continued to nurture various relationships, including our own. And, while in some cases this is easier done than in others, we are committed to building connections in their various forms and functions.
Along these lines, my relationship with Alex continues to blossom. We text each other multiple times a day, often sexy texts, sometimes silly ones and always communication that bring us closer together. It has been amazing to see how we are building a deep emotional connection, while sustaining the intense chemistry we first felt at our initial meeting – all through technology. We have weekly video chats that include physical intimacy that, while virtual, is also very real and authentic. I have struggled with trying to name, define or quantify our relationship, but have given up, realizing that labels do not matter; what we know that we feel for each other does.
When this journey first started, it was all roses and unicorns, but as noted, lately, there have been many ups and downs, so my outlook has become decidedly less rosy. Instead, things have become more challenging as we maneuver the complexities of being in a polyamorous relationship.
Our initial foray focused on a simple opening up of the marriage – with ethical non-monogamy, but no emotional attachments. Then, Jon mentioned the idea of falling in love, which prompted a series of conversations with Viktor and sparked my desire to find a boyfriend. I observed that the situation seemed to work well for Matt and Gary, who each had a wife and girlfriend.
I also thought such an arrangement would eliminate the never-ending flux of situationships, which left me feeling, at best, like a revolving door, and, more often, abandoned for a myriad of unknown reasons as many (not all) men behaved very badly.
I love to shop for clothing, but, as a petite woman, it can be a challenge to find things that fit. Even clothes that are supposed to be sized for petites often must be tailored in some way or another. The worst is with garments that are labeled, “One Size Fits All.” Really? How is that even possible? Have you looked at the diversity of body shapes and sizes? I have pejoratively renamed such sizing as “One Size Fits Nobody!”
On the flip side, a client of mine recently asked me to investigate his options for purchasing business attire. He was eager to have a well-made suit, expertly fitted to his exact specifications and has chosen to engage a bespoke tailor to create his new outfit. At his first appointment, every detail of the suit was customized to his person and preferences from collar width and fabric choice to thread color and button options and everything in between. In the end, he will have a suit that precisely meets his unique needs. Continue reading One Size Does Not Fit All
I started and stopped writing this post numerous times because some of the autobiographical details were derailing my momentum. But, after much thought, I realized that they weren’t relevant to the story I wanted to tell. Suffice it to say, for various reasons, I had been feeling a bit off for about a week or so. In fact, there was almost an anxious, manic feeling and I felt driven to do something, but wasn’t sure what to do.
Among the things I did do, was return to the dating app in the hope of finding a date for the weekend since Viktor would be at raves on both Friday and Saturday nights.
In addition, I realized that in the wake of my Heteroflexible, Bi-curious or Bisexual post, I really did want to manifest my desire to be intimate with women, so I started to look more earnestly for possible matches in this regard as well.
After some online chatting, I made plans to meet up with a number of men, but two of the three dates were cancelled. And, then I had a weird virtual Dom from Ireland / possible scam incident, which was unsettling. Thus, by the end of the week, I was emotionally charged, but tried to push through as if everything was fine. Continue reading Sex Magic Revisited
A few days after our first date, Ryan came over after work to spend the night with me. Viktor was out of town on business, so he wouldn’t hijack our date this time around (wink) and it gave us a chance to get to know each other better and explore our intimacy further.
Upon Ryan’s arrival, I opened up a bottle of wine so we could relax into the evening and unwind from the day. It felt great to see him and be held and kissed and I had to reluctantly drag myself away to go to the kitchen for the wine.
For a short month, February was an excessively busy and productive one. In the span of three weeks, I attended (and performed at) an erotic party, introduced Jon, Jay, Jacob and Lee, Betty and Jason, Perry, Ryan and Lane into my life, saw the return of Jack and Maria for a full swap, had several sex dates and more. Wow, no wonder I am tired!
In like a lion? March’s arrival heralds the tenth month of the Summer of Sexiness (which doesn’t make sense from a calendar point of view, but, whatever, the Summer of Sexiness is a frame of mind, not an actual season!).
Anyway, it’s really hard to fathom that so much time has passed already. It truly feels like it was just May and I was attending that first erotic party that set everything in motion. And, yet, here we are, only two months away from May’s return.
Regardless of the passage of time, I am so grateful to be on this journey and for all that I am learning about myself and about our relationship.
On my first date with Jon, he asked me what the rules were with regard to my marriage and dating. I wasn’t sure how to answer him initially, but eventually did note that there weren’t too many hard and fast rules and underscored the most important one was condoms.
After giving it some thought post-date, I have decided to put together a concise list of rules so that I will have it handy for future questions.
Our 7 Simple Rules 1. Condoms are always required.
2. No relationships with the others’ friends.
3. No relationships associated with the others’ work/industry/career.
4. No sex/related activities in the marital bed unless BOTH partners are involved.
5. No secrets.
6. Share everything (in juicy detail).
7. Respect yourself and your boundaries at all times
When I was discussing rules on my date with Jay, he mentioned two that he and his wife have:
1. Protect the relationship
2. No lingerie purchases
I really like his first point, but, as a lingerie addict, I am not quite as keen on the second as a recipient of his attention (but not gifts of bras and panties). Although, of course, I definitely don’t want Viktor using up my lingerie budget on anyone else either, so I totally get it.
On Tuesday night, Jon texted me: “Ice Cream? Wednesday or Friday?” I was excited that he was interested in seeing me again so soon, especially since we already had a date scheduled for Monday. Eventually, we realized that to make an ice cream meeting happen, we would need to twist ourselves into pretzels, so we abandoned the idea.
However, while I had his attention, I asked him if we were confirmed for Monday. He replied, yes. I then asked for details on the time and place because we had not discussed anything other than that it would be a daytime date on Monday.