With May’s arrival, Viktor and I celebrated our second polyversary with a quiet night at home (of course, it is still a pandemic after all) and a rope scene (our first in months). While it is hard to believe that another full year has passed, I’m not going to lie – this was a tough year.
Last May found me in high spirits ticking off a long list of amazing accomplishments from our first year in an open marriage. I was thrilled with how much our marriage had been strengthened and with how far I had traversed in my sexual awakening, overcoming so much sexual shutdown and shame. Viktor and I were in a fabulous place and we were poised for another great year.
Well, it wasn’t the year that either of us anticipated, that’s for certain. And, although I don’t relish the pain and suffering that I (and we) endured, I am not sure that I would change anything.
It was a tempestuous season; we were blind sighted by a love neither of us expected and were not prepared to deal with. Yet we muddled through the trials, tribulations and a lot of tears to get to the other, brighter side of this storm. But though it all, our resolve to be together never wavered; we remained stalwart and steadfast to our partnership – believing in our destiny as soulmates and in the purity of our love.
I am grateful that Viktor and I not only weathered the storms, but came through them stronger than ever. We strengthened our bond and re-committed to our marriage and to one another at the same time that we expanded our circle of love. Our communication skills have become laser sharp as we learned how to better handle the stress and strain in more constructive ways to get to resolution. We have reaffirmed our love and deepened our connection. And, we know that we love each other – truly, madly, deeply – and are together because that is we what we genuinely desire.
In looking back, it was a year of trust as I learned…
to trust myself and my body,
to trust our love,
to trust what Viktor said,
to trust my heart,
to trust my desires,
and to trust that I deserve love.
It was a year of discovery about the inadequacy of words and the way they fail us.
We say one thing, but is that what we really mean? What does our partner think we mean?
We struggled to understand the difference between envy and jealousy.
We tried to parse out meaning for ourselves and for each other when we talked about love and being in love. Was there an actual difference and what did that mean for our own love and relationship?
It was a year of searching…
and, yes, for a boyfriend.
It was a year of overcoming as I overcame fear and trauma. I dealt with abandonment issues. I have not overcome jealousy, but I have gotten better at dealing with it. I have no doubt that I will always be jealous in this regard, but it has been helpful to have my own, more secure relationships to balance out that loss.
Right now we are in a time outside of time – everything and nothing is possible all at the same time. It is during this period that I have somehow found myself in an improbable, yet exquisitely beautiful, relationship that is a beacon of hope in the darkness of despair and the fog of uncertainty.
Interestingly, as we acknowledge this milestone on our journey, I still don’t know what I want for the long-term. If this next year brings more heartbreak, I don’t think it will be worth the hardship, but for now, I have let go of labels, expectations and limitations and am just being, feeling, existing, experiencing.