Love, Lust and Potential Loss in the Time of Coronavirus

So here we are going into week six of social distancing. Like everyone else, we have had our share of good days and bad days, neutral days and a few “I am so fucking over this” days. Through it all, we have continued to nurture various relationships, including our own. And, while in some cases this is easier done than in others, we are committed to building connections in their various forms and functions.

Along these lines, my relationship with Alex continues to blossom. We text each other multiple times a day, often sexy texts, sometimes silly ones and always communication that bring us closer together. It has been amazing to see how we are building a deep emotional connection, while sustaining the intense chemistry we first felt at our initial meeting – all through technology. We have weekly video chats that include physical intimacy that, while virtual, is also very real and authentic. I have struggled with trying to name, define or quantify our relationship, but have given up, realizing that labels do not matter; what we know that we feel for each other does.

It has been more difficult to connect with Cooper because he is currently under enormous pressure and stress. The world is topsy-turvy and I honor and respect that his life has become equally topsy-turvy in this moment. Moreover, he has shared with me that long distance relationships are particularly challenging for him. Yet, he has suddenly been thrust into one. As Viktor wrote yesterday, Page Turner has so eloquently termed this concept of non-consensual long-distance relationships. When Cooper and I started dating, it was under a completely different set of circumstances – the world was different; life was different; and we were live and in-person, not virtual/long distance. I understand that this will not be easy for him/us, but I am committed to doing my best to make it work.

In fact, through a misunderstanding last week, I thought Cooper was breaking up with me (spoiler alert, he didn’t) and as I processed all of the emotions that came up when confronted with the potential loss, I realized how much he had come to mean to me and that I really didn’t want things to end. I greatly value who he is and what we have been creating over these past several months. I definitely do not want to say goodbye to our budding relationship.

As I have shared here previously, for a long time, I have been desiring to find more meaningful connections, no longer wishing to date solely for sex. I am grateful for those experiences that led to my sexual awakening, but I want and am ready for more. This shift from simply being open toward more emotionally attached, polyamorous connections has been an uphill journey to say the least. But, I feel that Cooper (and, perhaps equally important, Wendy) have been such a beautiful manifestation of this desire as things between us continue to grow and unfold.

Importantly, I feel that I have undergone such a profound transformation on many levels in the past few weeks. The early part of this year found me in and out of a dark place as I teetered between intense highs and lows with regard to my marriage and poly life. I battled with myself and with Viktor, trying to overcome jealousy, envy and abandonment issues.

As Viktor and I have been able to enhance our communication, clear the air, get clarity on our mutual desires and generally reconnect with one another during this time, it has strengthened our bond and confirmed that we are both on the same page. Consequently, it has instilled a renewed sense of security, safety and calm in me.

Moreover, I feel so genuinely loved and cared for. In addition to the loving connection that Viktor and I have more deliberately nurtured over the past several weeks, I have been beautifully showered by attention and affection from both Cooper and Alex.

In this state of fulfillment and contentment, I feel open to whatever will come. I am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop, instead I am trusting in what is actually happening. Neither Cooper nor Alex is giving me any reason not to; thus, they should not be viewed in the same harsh light as the men who behaved so badly in the past.

Rather, I am letting go of fear and embracing the possibility of love in all its guises. If this period of isolation has taught us anything — life is too short to be afraid. So, I am standing on the edge of an emotional cliff, ready and willing to fall, daring to dream, and believing that what is meant to be will be.

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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