Jeannie

Sharing my story on NNM

It was an absolute pleasure and privilege to be a guest on the Normalizing Non-Monogamy podcast. I connected with podcast hosts, Emma and Fin, back in June, for an in-depth conversation on my journey and shared the good, the bad and the ugly. I really appreciated their warm welcome and their encouragement to really let me tell my story. I hope it will inspire people to overcome their own challenges and find their true, authentic selves.

Check out Episode #301 to hear my story and then check out their other episodes. It’s a great podcast!

If you are interested in reading my memoir, Summer of Sexiness: A Self Awakening, you can easily find it on Amazon. Enjoy!

Rethinking Relationships Virtual Summit

My friend Axel Blumenberg, author of Marriage and Beyond, has put together the upcoming Rethinking Relationships Virtual Summit, which features myself and over 10 other speakers across 3 days. With all of this content, you are sure to get the tools and knowledge you need to succeed in your relationships 2022!

The event runs from Feb 14th – Feb 16th and for a limited time you can get a free pass to watch all the presentations from a top lineup of experts.

There’s no selling, just pure valuable content to help you find your relationship superpower in 2022 and beyond!

Get your FREE TICKET now here.

A Post on my What is Compersion? Post

I was recently asked to write a guest post for Dr. Marie Thouin’s blog: What is Compersion?. It was a pleasure to have met Marie and learn about her research, which she completed as part of her Ph.D. studies. I enjoyed sharing my story with her along with my thoughts on this complex topic.

For those unfamiliar with the term compersion, it originated in the 1990s in the context of ethical non-monogamy to describe feeling joy or happiness at seeing one’s partner happy as a result of their connection with another partner. In other words, if I am compersive (read my post to find out if I am), then I should derive pleasure at seeing Viktor happy when he spends time with an FWB or a new paramour. This is a very simplified version and I would highly recommend that one check out Marie’s blog and research to learn about compersion in much more depth.

While Viktor and I have written about compersion before, this was an interesting exercise for me as I examined my current state of mind regarding compersion. In this regard, I found it useful to look at a broader application of the term because, for me, compersion can be applied to other connections and relationships beyond romantic partners.

On the Same Page

This has been a busy and productive time for Viktor and me as we spent the past several months committed to ourselves and to our marriage. And, while things are great now, it took a long time to get that way.

In early November, we each broke up with our respective partners. Those first few days were rough for both of us, having cut off all contact with Justina and Alex. As we joked, it was an elimination diet as we went through the symptoms of withdrawal.

As we struggled to deal with our break-ups, there were times when we thought we were on the brink of divorce — not because we wanted to, but we wondered if we were really still on the same page. Did we both want the same things going forward? And if so, what were they?

50 Shades of Love

When we first opened up our marriage, I never considered the possibility of either of us falling in love. I know that to many this might seem preposterous (if not simply naïve), but I had a very narrow view of love. To me, love fell into three different, and distinct, categories: familial love (love for parents, siblings, children and other family connections); friendship love (I will watch your cat for you when you travel even though I don’t really like cats) and romantic love (the all-consuming, heart, body, mind and soulmate love that I have for Viktor).

Consequently, when Viktor first told me that he was in love with Justina, I was devastated because I couldn’t understand how his love for her fit into one of my categories without eclipsing his love for me. This obviously wasn’t familial love; they were having sex so it went far beyond friendship love; so it must be romantic love and thus, a replacement for the love he had for me. I tried to wrap my head around it and to make sense of how these two things could co-exist simultaneously: Viktor’s love for Justina and Viktor’s love for Jeannie. I repeatedly failed and it continued to eat at me, causing significant pain, confusion and loss.

A Very Rocky Road

With Thanksgiving’s arrival, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, food on the table and a life partner who truly loves me. Yet, it has certainly been one of the most challenging years of my life and not just because of the obvious pandemic stuff. Yes, that has definitely added to my strife, but it is almost beside the point.

No more rainbows and unicorns

So much of what I have experienced and endured over the past months has been censored from this site because I was afraid to share what I was feeling knowing that metamours and others were privy to my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t want to share these raw, vulnerable emotions with them, nor permit them to feel superior to me as I admitted my faults. In some ways, I still don’t — my pain and suffering is none of their business and yet I feel compelled to share my story; I want people to know that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Accordingly, this is a bit of a mashup of unpublished posts and notes from February through November in an attempt to make sense of all that has happened over the past year and how we’ve come to this important juncture in our journey.

The Power, Pain and Pleasure of Kundalini

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. In this regard, this past fall was a pivotal point in my life, but, at the time, I was unaware of precisely what was going on. In fact, it wasn’t until this past weekend, when I had a profound sexual experience, that I truly came to understand what has been happening for me in my body.

In late September, two important things occurred. First, Viktor told me he was in love with Justina, unintentionally inflicting pain. And, two days later, we had an amazing sex date, unexpectedly bringing me incredible pleasure as I experienced a series of intense, energetic orgasms. Then, in the weeks and months that followed, I proceeded to experience a self-proclaimed roller coaster of emotions (most of which have been discussed on this blog), finding occasional highs and moments of calm, but more frequently feeling depressed and even, at times, suicidal. I was making Viktor crazy and I wasn’t particularly pleased with how I was feeling and acting either. Unfortunately, when these things initially happened, I didn’t realize that they were connected…until now.

Continue reading The Power, Pain and Pleasure of Kundalini

Polyversary Number 2

With May’s arrival, Viktor and I celebrated our second polyversary with a quiet night at home (of course, it is still a pandemic after all) and a rope scene (our first in months). While it is hard to believe that another full year has passed, I’m not going to lie – this was a tough year.

Last May found me in high spirits ticking off a long list of amazing accomplishments from our first year in an open marriage. I was thrilled with how much our marriage had been strengthened and with how far I had traversed in my sexual awakening, overcoming so much sexual shutdown and shame. Viktor and I were in a fabulous place and we were poised for another great year.

Well, it wasn’t the year that either of us anticipated, that’s for certain. And, although I don’t relish the pain and suffering that I (and we) endured, I am not sure that I would change anything.

Continue reading Polyversary Number 2

Love, Lust and Potential Loss in the Time of Coronavirus

So here we are going into week six of social distancing. Like everyone else, we have had our share of good days and bad days, neutral days and a few “I am so fucking over this” days. Through it all, we have continued to nurture various relationships, including our own. And, while in some cases this is easier done than in others, we are committed to building connections in their various forms and functions.

Along these lines, my relationship with Alex continues to blossom. We text each other multiple times a day, often sexy texts, sometimes silly ones and always communication that bring us closer together. It has been amazing to see how we are building a deep emotional connection, while sustaining the intense chemistry we first felt at our initial meeting – all through technology. We have weekly video chats that include physical intimacy that, while virtual, is also very real and authentic. I have struggled with trying to name, define or quantify our relationship, but have given up, realizing that labels do not matter; what we know that we feel for each other does.

Continue reading Love, Lust and Potential Loss in the Time of Coronavirus

The More the Merrier — My Myriad of Metamours

Traditionally, at weddings, one of the bride’s parents might be heard to quip, “I am not losing a daughter, I am gaining a son.”* In polyamory, the corollary might be, “I am not losing a partner, I am gaining a metamour.” In fact, depending on one’s current situation, they might be gaining metamours (plural).

For those unfamiliar with this term, your metamour is your partner’s partner. At the moment, I have three metamours – two with whom I have close connections and one whom I haven’t met yet. The two most prominent metamours in my orbit are Justina and Wendy. It has been interesting to see how these relationships have developed with time and how they have been helpful for me as I navigate the polyverse. [NB: If you are just joining us, Justina is Viktor’s girlfriend and Wendy is Cooper’s primary and nesting partner.]

Continue reading The More the Merrier — My Myriad of Metamours