When we first opened up our marriage, I never considered the possibility of either of us falling in love. I know that to many this might seem preposterous (if not simply naïve), but I had a very narrow view of love. To me, love fell into three different, and distinct, categories: familial love (love for parents, siblings, children and other family connections); friendship love (I will watch your cat for you when you travel even though I don’t really like cats) and romantic love (the all-consuming, heart, body, mind and soulmate love that I have for Viktor).
Continue reading 50 Shades of Love
Consequently, when Viktor first told me that he was in love with Justina, I was devastated because I couldn’t understand how his love for her fit into one of my categories without eclipsing his love for me. This obviously wasn’t familial love; they were having sex so it went far beyond friendship love; so it must be romantic love and thus, a replacement for the love he had for me. I tried to wrap my head around it and to make sense of how these two things could co-exist simultaneously: Viktor’s love for Justina and Viktor’s love for Jeannie. I repeatedly failed and it continued to eat at me, causing significant pain, confusion and loss.
While I fully understand the sentiment in the adage “if you love something, set it free” this is ultimately a terrible bit of life advice. It’s an oversimplification and likely to cause more heartache than not. While it’s true you should always be careful not to smother and kill something with your love, that’s just not how most of us love.
As I faced the need to break up with Justina, I didn’t think much about this adage. All I thought about was the pain and suffering we’d both have to go through in the wake of the breakup. Only through that pain, which is ongoing, have I finally given thought to the importance of Justina’s freedom.
This is a painful realization for me, and I still have a lot to process. But perhaps this will begin to bring me some inner peace.
Continue reading If You Love Something, Set It Free
With Thanksgiving’s arrival, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, food on the table and a life partner who truly loves me. Yet, it has certainly been one of the most challenging years of my life and not just because of the obvious pandemic stuff. Yes, that has definitely added to my strife, but it is almost beside the point.
No more rainbows and unicorns
So much of what I have experienced and endured over the past months has been censored from this site because I was afraid to share what I was feeling knowing that metamours and others were privy to my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t want to share these raw, vulnerable emotions with them, nor permit them to feel superior to me as I admitted my faults. In some ways, I still don’t — my pain and suffering is none of their business and yet I feel compelled to share my story; I want people to know that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Accordingly, this is a bit of a mashup of unpublished posts and notes from February through November in an attempt to make sense of all that has happened over the past year and how we’ve come to this important juncture in our journey.
Continue reading A Very Rocky Road
I was listening to Dan Savage and Tristan Taormino talk about the short term impact of COVID on poly relationships and it was super fucking depressing because they were really emphasizing the point that “poly is on hold” and may be for quite a long time. This was just a too sobering reminder of our reality right now. Not being poly right now isn’t so terrible, it’s all the things we can’t do or be piled onto one other – and this is just another nail in the coffin.
Of all the things I’ve been missing in isolation, it’s Justina that I miss the most. This makes perfect sense – aside from Jeannie (who I’m isolated with right now) Justina is the next most important person to me right now. But there’s more than just rational longing for something I crave at play here and it recently got more complicated for me.
Continue reading Polyamory and Sadness in Isolation
With May’s arrival, Viktor and I celebrated our second polyversary with a quiet night at home (of course, it is still a pandemic after all) and a rope scene (our first in months). While it is hard to believe that another full year has passed, I’m not going to lie – this was a tough year.
Last May found me in high spirits ticking off a long list of amazing accomplishments from our first year in an open marriage. I was thrilled with how much our marriage had been strengthened and with how far I had traversed in my sexual awakening, overcoming so much sexual shutdown and shame. Viktor and I were in a fabulous place and we were poised for another great year.
Well, it wasn’t the year that either of us anticipated, that’s for certain. And, although I don’t relish the pain and suffering that I (and we) endured, I am not sure that I would change anything.
Continue reading Polyversary Number 2
About six months ago there was a pretty seismic shift in the open/poly lifestyle that Jeannie and I were exploring. This shift focused around what it means to be IN LOVE with someone else. Nuances and semantics around the phrase “in love” became the story of the day. It was often distracting from the true topic(s) at hand, yet we did work through it and we’re truly in a better place about our various relationships these days.
Regardless of being in a better place, Jeannie and I continued struggling over the (VERY) minor issue of terms and definitions. We still didn’t have a common language to explain what “in love” meant to each of us. Then Jeannie can upon this article: “Love Vs. In Love: Which Is Better?“. While we take issue with the title (one is not inherently better) this was the first time there was science highlighted to explain the difference. This brought us to an interesting conclusion.
Continue reading What Is Love? What About IN Love?
So here we are going into week six of social distancing. Like everyone else, we have had our share of good days and bad days, neutral days and a few “I am so fucking over this” days. Through it all, we have continued to nurture various relationships, including our own. And, while in some cases this is easier done than in others, we are committed to building connections in their various forms and functions.
Along these lines, my relationship with Alex continues to blossom. We text each other multiple times a day, often sexy texts, sometimes silly ones and always communication that bring us closer together. It has been amazing to see how we are building a deep emotional connection, while sustaining the intense chemistry we first felt at our initial meeting – all through technology. We have weekly video chats that include physical intimacy that, while virtual, is also very real and authentic. I have struggled with trying to name, define or quantify our relationship, but have given up, realizing that labels do not matter; what we know that we feel for each other does.
Continue reading Love, Lust and Potential Loss in the Time of Coronavirus
This has been an incredibly difficult two weeks as I struggle to make sense of where we are on this journey and how I am feeling about it. Mercury in Retrograde, my impending burlesque performance and continued Seasonal Affective Disorder have all conspired to make me even more emotional than usual. Consequently, I have been a rollercoaster of emotions yet again, driving Viktor (and likely others) understandably nuts, but throughout we have remained connected in our communication, no matter how painful or difficult.
A lot of things have come up for me recently and I have been doing a lot of journaling and writing, including penning a few blog posts that I am hesitant to publish. It’s scary to be so vulnerable and real when you know that your words impact others in your orbit.
I have also done a ton of Googling (and subsequent reading) on various poly topics in an attempt to better understand what this all means for Viktor and me. We didn’t exactly plan for all of this to happen – it just sort of did – and now we are dealing with the consequences, not all of which are bad, but all are new.
Continue reading The Calm After the Storm
In my last post, I mused, “Can I reclaim the fun [of this journey]?” Fortunately, the answer is a resounding Yes!
It had been a difficult and emotional week. In addition to feeling lonely and much less loved, I also had a heated discussion with Viktor on Thursday night. Of course, feeling less connected to one’s partner is never good, but it felt especially vulnerable in the run up to Valentine’s Day. Thankfully, by the conclusion of our intense conversation, I was more at ease with the situation and ready for the holiday.
This year for Valentine’s Day, we had decided to go to the House of Love party at House of Yes with Gigi. Given the event’s coincidence with the holiday, the theme was Red Haute. Despite planning my costume for weeks, the morning of Valentine’s Day, I was less excited about this year’s plans because last year had been so amazing (See this post and this one). Plus, my last venture to House of Love had not been a great success, so I had some trepidation about what the night would bring. Time would tell…
In spite of a less than enthusiastic outlook, I headed into my Friday with an upbeat attitude, which was rewarded in spades. My usual Friday S Factor class was great and I had an awesome dance, unlocking new emotions and finding new movement.
Continue reading House of Love: Valentine’s Day edition – Some Like it (Red) Haute!
When this journey first started, it was all roses and unicorns, but as noted, lately, there have been many ups and downs, so my outlook has become decidedly less rosy. Instead, things have become more challenging as we maneuver the complexities of being in a polyamorous relationship.
Our initial foray focused on a simple opening up of the marriage – with ethical non-monogamy, but no emotional attachments. Then, Jon mentioned the idea of falling in love, which prompted a series of conversations with Viktor and sparked my desire to find a boyfriend. I observed that the situation seemed to work well for Matt and Gary, who each had a wife and girlfriend.
I also thought such an arrangement would eliminate the never-ending flux of situationships, which left me feeling, at best, like a revolving door, and, more often, abandoned for a myriad of unknown reasons as many (not all) men behaved very badly.
Continue reading Poly-Anna has left the building