50 Shades of Love

When we first opened up our marriage, I never considered the possibility of either of us falling in love. I know that to many this might seem preposterous (if not simply naïve), but I had a very narrow view of love. To me, love fell into three different, and distinct, categories: familial love (love for parents, siblings, children and other family connections); friendship love (I will watch your cat for you when you travel even though I don’t really like cats) and romantic love (the all-consuming, heart, body, mind and soulmate love that I have for Viktor).

Consequently, when Viktor first told me that he was in love with Justina, I was devastated because I couldn’t understand how his love for her fit into one of my categories without eclipsing his love for me. This obviously wasn’t familial love; they were having sex so it went far beyond friendship love; so it must be romantic love and thus, a replacement for the love he had for me. I tried to wrap my head around it and to make sense of how these two things could co-exist simultaneously: Viktor’s love for Justina and Viktor’s love for Jeannie. I repeatedly failed and it continued to eat at me, causing significant pain, confusion and loss.

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A Very Rocky Road

With Thanksgiving’s arrival, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, food on the table and a life partner who truly loves me. Yet, it has certainly been one of the most challenging years of my life and not just because of the obvious pandemic stuff. Yes, that has definitely added to my strife, but it is almost beside the point.

No more rainbows and unicorns

So much of what I have experienced and endured over the past months has been censored from this site because I was afraid to share what I was feeling knowing that metamours and others were privy to my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t want to share these raw, vulnerable  emotions with them, nor permit them to feel superior to me as I admitted my faults. In some ways, I still don’t — my pain and suffering is none of their business and yet I feel compelled to share my story; I want people to know that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Accordingly, this is a bit of a mashup of unpublished posts and notes from February through November in an attempt to make sense of all that has happened over the past year and how we’ve come to this important juncture in our journey.

Continue reading A Very Rocky Road