On the Same Page

This has been a busy and productive time for Viktor and me as we spent the past several months committed to ourselves and to our marriage. And, while things are great now, it took a long time to get that way.

In early November, we each broke up with our respective partners. Those first few days were rough for both of us, having cut off all contact with Justina and Alex. As we joked, it was an elimination diet as we went through the symptoms of withdrawal.

As we struggled to deal with our break-ups, there were times when we thought we were on the brink of divorce — not because we wanted to, but we wondered if we were really still on the same page. Did we both want the same things going forward? And if so, what were they?

Thankfully, by early December, we had found our footing and, while we knew there was still much work to do, we felt that we had turned a corner and that divorce no longer loomed large.

With time, energy and effort, we have been able to not only save our marriage, but to strengthen it. We have determined that our first priority is to each other and our marriage. We are rededicated to our joint emotional and physical intimacy as we rebuilt and restored the foundations of our relationship. We have focused on finding ourselves and on finding our connection to one another, with a renewed sense of our destiny as soulmates.

Moreover, we have made a significant investment in creating two (admittedly lengthy) documents: A Relationship Agreement and a corresponding Appendix. The first outlines how we want to conduct ourselves in the context of our marriage, addressing our individual needs; setting guidelines for honesty, communication and how to handle conflicts; and determining how we wish to approach intimacy, emotional growth and self-care.

Meanwhile, the Appendix (which was accidentally dubbed the Appendage by a friend’s slip of the tongue that has now stuck) spells out our desires, boundaries, rules, etc. for being open. We clearly define the ways in which our marriage will be monogamous (i.e., structural) and how it will be ethically and consensually non-monogamous. We delineate the hierarchical nature of our relationship and have created our own scale of connection types, which range from Stranger to Soulmate. As we re-open our relationship, we hope that we are much wiser, more intentional and clearer about what we do and don’t want.

So, with both “contracts” signed, sealed and delivered, we can truly say that we are indeed on the same page.

Among other important pages, I am excited and proud to announce that I have just published my book: Summer of Sexiness: A Self Awakening*. This has been a lifelong dream and I am delighted to share my story with those who want to read it.

*If you are a regular reader of this blog, the explicit nature of the book will be of no surprise, but for those who are new to us, you have been warned.

50 Shades of Love

When we first opened up our marriage, I never considered the possibility of either of us falling in love. I know that to many this might seem preposterous (if not simply naïve), but I had a very narrow view of love. To me, love fell into three different, and distinct, categories: familial love (love for parents, siblings, children and other family connections); friendship love (I will watch your cat for you when you travel even though I don’t really like cats) and romantic love (the all-consuming, heart, body, mind and soulmate love that I have for Viktor).

Consequently, when Viktor first told me that he was in love with Justina, I was devastated because I couldn’t understand how his love for her fit into one of my categories without eclipsing his love for me. This obviously wasn’t familial love; they were having sex so it went far beyond friendship love; so it must be romantic love and thus, a replacement for the love he had for me. I tried to wrap my head around it and to make sense of how these two things could co-exist simultaneously: Viktor’s love for Justina and Viktor’s love for Jeannie. I repeatedly failed and it continued to eat at me, causing significant pain, confusion and loss.

Continue reading 50 Shades of Love

A Very Rocky Road

With Thanksgiving’s arrival, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, food on the table and a life partner who truly loves me. Yet, it has certainly been one of the most challenging years of my life and not just because of the obvious pandemic stuff. Yes, that has definitely added to my strife, but it is almost beside the point.

No more rainbows and unicorns

So much of what I have experienced and endured over the past months has been censored from this site because I was afraid to share what I was feeling knowing that metamours and others were privy to my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t want to share these raw, vulnerable  emotions with them, nor permit them to feel superior to me as I admitted my faults. In some ways, I still don’t — my pain and suffering is none of their business and yet I feel compelled to share my story; I want people to know that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Accordingly, this is a bit of a mashup of unpublished posts and notes from February through November in an attempt to make sense of all that has happened over the past year and how we’ve come to this important juncture in our journey.

Continue reading A Very Rocky Road