Word selection and nuance are super important in managing open relationship communication. One simple example has been wrestling with the difference between jealousy and envy. Another, more recent revelation, has been the difference between equal and balanced.
One of the most important aspects in our open marriage is that neither Jeannie nor I are looking for partners to replace each other. Instead we’re looking for partners that supplement or compliment our relationship while fulfilling some individual needs or desires. For example, Jeannie likes some aspects of impact play, but not all the same ones that I enjoy. Therefore, my partnering with Justina to play with canes, for example, complimented my relationship with Jeannie. It allowed me to satisfy a craving I cannot satisfy with Jeannie while taking nothing away from Jeannie and me.
This, is balance. This is what open relationships should seek.
Continue reading Equal or Balanced
I enjoy flirting. I enjoy playful conversation and texts. I enjoy when a kiss is just a kiss. My point is that sex isn’t my endgame. If I meet a sexy person who is a potential partner, I relish in the chase; in the playfulness of each discussion and each encounter; in the not knowing where this might be going. By appreciating this person in this way, I’m never disappointed because whether we end up friends or lovers, I feel as though I’ve come out ahead.
This is not new for me, to some extent I’ve always behaved this way. Even when I was younger and sex was definitely meant to be the endgame, I was still happy if I made a new friend along that journey. The difference when I was younger was that I was not at all confident. So you can imagine how most flirtations ended.
There’s a fine line between confident and cocky
Continue reading Confidence & Courting
As they say, hindsight is 20/20. In this regard, this past fall was a pivotal point in my life, but, at the time, I was unaware of precisely what was going on. In fact, it wasn’t until this past weekend, when I had a profound sexual experience, that I truly came to understand what has been happening for me in my body.
In late September, two important things occurred. First, Viktor told me he was in love with Justina, unintentionally inflicting pain. And, two days later, we had an amazing sex date, unexpectedly bringing me incredible pleasure as I experienced a series of intense, energetic orgasms. Then, in the weeks and months that followed, I proceeded to experience a self-proclaimed roller coaster of emotions (most of which have been discussed on this blog), finding occasional highs and moments of calm, but more frequently feeling depressed and even, at times, suicidal. I was making Viktor crazy and I wasn’t particularly pleased with how I was feeling and acting either. Unfortunately, when these things initially happened, I didn’t realize that they were connected…until now.
Continue reading The Power, Pain and Pleasure of Kundalini
I was listening to Dan Savage and Tristan Taormino talk about the short term impact of COVID on poly relationships and it was super fucking depressing because they were really emphasizing the point that “poly is on hold” and may be for quite a long time. This was just a too sobering reminder of our reality right now. Not being poly right now isn’t so terrible, it’s all the things we can’t do or be piled onto one other – and this is just another nail in the coffin.
Of all the things I’ve been missing in isolation, it’s Justina that I miss the most. This makes perfect sense – aside from Jeannie (who I’m isolated with right now) Justina is the next most important person to me right now. But there’s more than just rational longing for something I crave at play here and it recently got more complicated for me.
Continue reading Polyamory and Sadness in Isolation
I only just posted yesterday about having a difficult week and feeling so lonely even though I’m not at all alone. In that post I noted how difficult it has been to be away from Justina even though Jeannie and I are truly thriving together. These two opposing feelings are clearly not mutually exclusive, yet it has been difficult for me to reconcile this. Then along comes a post on Poly.Land, just hours after my thoughts, that explains this all quite well. It’s like Page was listening to me – or reading my blog, too!
It boils down to a couple of key points:
- Nonconsensual Long Distance Relationships
- Love Languages
Continue reading Love Languages in Isolation
Comments from Week Five of isolation due to COVID…
Not gonna lie, it’s been a rough week. I may not be totally “isolated” in that I’m with Jeannie, yet this “new normal” is still getting old, fast. Before I proceed, I want to fully recognize that I have it better than most; if I had to guess, I’m somewhere in the top 10% of “we’re OK.” We’re healthy and safe, have each other, a comfortable apartment, and access and means to get through this safely.
Yet no matter what your personal situation right now, this is not normal, and we shouldn’t even begin to think that we’re all OK. We’re not OK. We might be getting through this, but the world is hurting right now. And each of us is hurting in different ways.
Continue reading The Pain of Isolation
As I shared in my last post, I have been embracing old and new technologies to build connection during social distancing. While the reality of the world generally sucks right now, it has been amazing to truly connect with people – getting to know them better, learning how they cope during difficult times and simply knowing that they are there for you, sending love and support from afar.
Along these lines, Alex and I have continued to deepen our connection as we progress in our beautiful courtship. We have cemented our emotional bond more firmly through exquisite texts and poetry, while concurrently fanning the flames of desire with our “lust letters” to one another. It is quite heady and deliciously arousing! I am pleasantly surprised by how close I feel to him and how much he turns me on from/despite the distance and lack of in-person contact.
With March behind us, we are just shy of a month since our initial meeting, but it has indeed been an intense month with much more activity and interaction than would have normally occurred during this same time period under usual circumstances. Of course, these are anything but usual circumstances. We are happily reaping the benefits of the slower pace of work and life and really enjoying the opportunity to deeply connect with one another.
Continue reading Experiencing Intimacy at a Distance
So the world has been closed until further notice. These are unprecedented times and we have no way of knowing when (if?) the world will return to its regularly scheduled programming. Until then, we must find new ways of doing, behaving and communicating. Thankfully, we have the benefit of technology to assist with some of this, although I am finding that a return to low/no tech is also a welcome change.
On the technological side, earlier in the week, I was able to have an in-depth video chat with Justina to discuss our mutual concerns and otherwise share our feelings with one another. While we obviously approach our relationships with Viktor differently, we both have his best interests at heart and the more she and I can come together and talk, the easier it is/will be.
We also obviously have different perspectives and opinions on dating and poly life, so it was helpful to be able to explain to her why I am feeling the way I have been feeling. I think it was a beneficial experience for both of us and while I do still have wobbly moments, I am feeling better about things, taking it one day at a time and trying not to worry about what things might look like with her in our lives 6 months, a year or five years from now.
Continue reading Love, Lust and Connection in the Time of Coronavirus
Jeannie already covered this event from her point of view. Her story is spot on, but it can be fun to see it from another set of eyes. And I did have a few different experiences from her this time, so here we go.
It was a pretty amazing quickie!
Let me start from the end… Jeannie told the story of the after party sex that had to be rushed and called it a “pretty amazing quickie!” Nah, it was the best quickie ever! It was amazing sex in its own right – the fact that it was fast just made it that much more intense.
So there’s that – and it tells you alot about how positively charged the night was! Now for the rest of the story…
Continue reading He Said: House of Love Valentine’s Edition
In my last post, I mused, “Can I reclaim the fun [of this journey]?” Fortunately, the answer is a resounding Yes!
It had been a difficult and emotional week. In addition to feeling lonely and much less loved, I also had a heated discussion with Viktor on Thursday night. Of course, feeling less connected to one’s partner is never good, but it felt especially vulnerable in the run up to Valentine’s Day. Thankfully, by the conclusion of our intense conversation, I was more at ease with the situation and ready for the holiday.
This year for Valentine’s Day, we had decided to go to the House of Love party at House of Yes with Gigi. Given the event’s coincidence with the holiday, the theme was Red Haute. Despite planning my costume for weeks, the morning of Valentine’s Day, I was less excited about this year’s plans because last year had been so amazing (See this post and this one). Plus, my last venture to House of Love had not been a great success, so I had some trepidation about what the night would bring. Time would tell…
In spite of a less than enthusiastic outlook, I headed into my Friday with an upbeat attitude, which was rewarded in spades. My usual Friday S Factor class was great and I had an awesome dance, unlocking new emotions and finding new movement.
Continue reading House of Love: Valentine’s Day edition – Some Like it (Red) Haute!