The Summer of Sexiness: Down the Rabbit Hole

I’m really not sure where to begin because in some ways this story starts this past May; in others, it begins four years ago; but, if I am really honest, it really goes back to my early 20s, when I was first out of college. Back then, I was enjoying being single, launching my career and trying to figure out what I wanted from life. And, what I wanted from my sex life.

I dated around at first and then proceeded to fall in and out of love with a number of different men, each one bringing his own unique set of characteristics that captivated me at the time.  I felt comfortable having sex with these men and considered myself to be a well-adjusted, sexually empowered woman.

Eventually, I decided to pursue a long-term relationship with the man (Viktor) who became my husband, but even though we initially had a lot of sexual chemistry, it disappeared soon after I moved in with him. At first, I attributed it to depression, having just uprooted myself from one state to another to be with him. Then, I blamed birth control pills. But, despite changes to address these supposed causes, nothing changed. And, I felt so at odds with being a wife and being a sexual being (perhaps too many episodes of Donna Reed?).

By then, I was convinced that I was “broken” and turned to therapy to “fix” me. Yet, even with years spent talking to one therapist and then another, I was still without any interest in sex. I didn’t give up hope, but I was at a loss as to how to make any actual progress.

In 2006, I had my answer in the form of a newly opened dance studio called S Factor. Through sensual movement and the pursuit of my erotic creature, my S journey has been a vital part of my sexual journey as I learned to truly take ownership of my sexuality and sensuality, at least within the confines of the studio. It was an important first step and one that continues to push me further.

A few years later, I enrolled in Mama Gena’s School of the Womanly Arts (SWA). I knew that this was the next piece of the puzzle and through my work with SWA and my immersion in the Sister Goddess community, I started to plant seeds, overcoming body shame and stepping into my sexual power.

Throughout this journey, my husband has been my steadfast supporter, lover and confidante. I have never once doubted that we were meant to be together or wavered in my love for him. We have spent countless hours talking about our sex life (or lack thereof), experienced numerous failed attempts to infuse more sex into our life and discovered many wins along the way as we studied with Jaiya, took Tantra classes and explored the D/s world.

And, over the past four years we have had incredible discussions about threesomes, polyamory and open marriages. In the beginning, I was hesitant to bring up these topics, but I felt compelled to give voice to these desires. Yes, that first conversation was scary, but then, once it was over, I noticed something very interesting: our talk about bringing in other partners was actually pulling us closer together rather than pushing us apart, as we bared our souls and got intimate in the most vulnerable and honest of ways.

I was also terrified that such a move on either of our parts would potentially damage the beautiful foundation we had built over our decades of marriage. We continued to verbally explore these ideas; sharing what elements were tantalizing, which weren’t and what we ultimately wanted from such an exploration. Each time we talked, our foundation grew more solid and I knew that, when we were ready to move forward, it would be strong enough to hold us in this next chapter of our journey.

Which brings us back to this past May when I attended an erotic party.  Admittedly, I had no idea what to expect and was extremely nervous before I arrived, but thanks to the support of a friend, we ventured into the unknown together, and so far, it’s been a wild ride.

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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