I have a love/hate relationship with “to do” lists. On the one hand, I love the satisfaction of checking things off and getting things done. On the other hand, I hate the pressure of knowing that there are numerous tasks that have yet to get done. Plus, there is the frustration that you are never quite done; even once you’ve made an appointment to meet your friend for lunch there is still the chance that you’ll have to reschedule. But, generally, I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes with being productive and knowing that everything is in order or at least under my control.
And, while I haven’t put “Find a relationship or play partner” on my “to do” list, I still feel the compulsion to get this task done. I want to find myself in a place where I have a handful of steady play partners – and perhaps even a boyfriend (see: Attachment Theory) – and know that I can stop looking online or elsewhere to “fill” these “vacancies.”
But, as someone told me recently, relationships within the polyamorous lifestyle are always in flux. This seems to be spot on as I just recently said goodbye to a number of people for various reasons whether it be busy schedules, differing ethics or a loss of interest. Consequently, I realize that I will likely never be in a position to cross this off the list and be done.
As clear out the old and welcome in the new, I also realize that I need to stop being attached to the outcome. I don’t know who will stick around or who will leave; I just need to stay present and enjoy the time we choose to spend together.
Accordingly, I am realizing that flux is simply a way of life, both in the lifestyle and in life in general. Nothing is ever static, we continue to move through life, otherwise we die. Yes, flux is a four-letter word, but there are much worse words to content with. So, I am giving myself permission to simply let go.
NB: This post, which is our 100th!, is being published on July 19, 2019, which turns out to be our Blogiversary (aka it’s been one full year since we launched this blog)!