BDSM Party Primer

So, you want to attend your first BDSM party? You’ve done some research but haven’t tried anything IRL and now you are ready to take the plunge? Here’s a little guide to what you need to know. I’m framing this for first-time partners that I would bring to a party, so there will be some suggestions that are specific to me and my methods. #YMMV

What is a BDSM party anyway?

BDSM parties are a way to allow individuals with interest in BDSM activities to explore them in safe yet somewhat public environment. They typically take place in spaces where hosts have complete control over who enters and the physical space itself. Kinksters are generally playing in view of each other, but since all participants are (likely) vetted and obviously share the same interest in BDSM, this makes for a very safe and welcoming environment to explore different kinks.

What do I need to know before I commit to a party?

Attending a BDSM party is the perfect way to get exposure to a world that seems so insular, and yet is quite inclusive and welcoming. The biggest thing most non-kinksters don’t understand about kink is that it’s not exclusive at all. Kinksters love to share their kink, and love to introduce others. This also means that it can be easy for a newbie to get in over their head too quickly, so it’s important to know a few things first and I’ll cover these below. You may want to read up on kink in general, but this isn’t required as you can certainly learn at a party – assuming you have a trusted partner or partners. And most parties are welcoming of voyeurs – meaning that you can attend and just watch and learn!

If you decide to read up a little, you can start here:

Should I go my first time alone? Or with a partner?

While I’d strongly recommend a trusted partner, especially your first time, you could go alone if you’ve researched the party and trust the hosts to care for you. That said, going with a trusted partner will really help you ease into the party, and also help you avoid some of the many potential faux pas of a newbie. Thankfully, if you “make a mistake” at most parties, the host or DM (see below) will simply correct you and help you learn more about proper etiquette.

If you go with a trusted partner, that person can be your guide and mentor. I have personally escorted several first timers to these parties and I’ve done this with friends where we’ve kept it purely platonic and also with lovers (and various “in betweens” as well). I’m so excited to introduce open minded friends to the lifestyle that I’ve created a pretty safe way to escort them, mentor them, and even play a little without violating the boundaries of our friendship. And this is where negotiation comes into play (covered below as well).

What’s my name?

Consider using a name other than your own. This is definitely not a requirement but can help you to separate your everyday persona from your kink persona. I’ve found that when someone refers to me as Viktor, I immediately go into my kink/Dom headspace. So that’s a nice component of this as well. However, I’ve also found that when Jeannie and I go to events together we both end up using real names. So clearly this is a fluid suggestion and you should do what’s comfortable.

What are the responsibilities of the host to keep me safe? What is a DM?

Party hosts are exceptionally focused on the three tenets of kink play:

  1. Safe
  2. Sane
  3. Consensual

If you are EVER at a party and get the impression that the hosts have ANYTHING other than this on the top if their list, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! Trust me, this is the foundation of ALL kink play and is ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED! (Sorry for all the SCREAMING in those two sentences, but, seriously, this is crucial.)

Generally, hosts are very aware of everything happening in their space and they will intervene if needed. Most parties also will have designated Dungeon Monitors (DMs) who are also observing and intervening as needed. Hosts and DMs are also there to assist you and answer questions at any time. One of the reasons I’m so comfortable introducing friends to these parties is because I belong to one club where the hosts are simply amazing at taking the time to introduce newbies and teach them all they need to know to play safely.

Now, keep in mind that BDSM has activities that are inherently risky, so there are some protections that the hosts cannot offer. For example, if you intend to be whipped, you must be sure that the person whipping you is skilled and knows your boundaries. No host can protect you if you tell a “top” to “whip the crap out of you” with no negotiation (I promise, this is next up) and no care for your safety. You will absolutely get hurt in scenes like this!

What is scene negotiation all about?

First, familiarize yourself with some basic terminology and understand what a “scene” is before proceeding. Next, know that EVERY scene, even with an existing and trusted partner, should be negotiated. Any reasonably good top will know how to guide the negotiation and will at least ask questions like the following:

  • Exactly what type of play would you like to try? (Bondage, Impact, Suspension, etc.)
  • Do you have any experience?
  • Do you have any injuries that I should know about?
  • What is the current state of your mental health?
  • Is there any reason that you know of that engaging in these activities could trigger a traumatic response from you?
  • Have you had any past sexual traumas?

I know – some of these sound more like a therapy session than kinky fun! But these are important because there is a significant link between BDSM play and mental health. When done right, the link is very positive and some can even use BDSM to work through past traumas. But at the same time, if you were once tied up and assaulted, your partner needs to know this because tying you up now could trigger a very negative response from you. You should both either avoid this activity or proceed very carefully.

When you complete the negotiation, you should feel comfortable that:

  • Your partner knows precisely what you are willing to try
  • Your partner knows precisely what you are UNWILLING to try
  • You have a safeword to immediately END the scene at any time
  • You have communicated any physical or mental “injuries” to avoid
  • OPTIONAL BUT BENEFICIAL: You have a code (1-10, Green/Yellow/Red, etc) to convey comfort or pain while remaining in scene

Am I a TOP or a BOTTOM?

Great question! I don’t know and you may not, either. While it’s very common for a newbie to enter the scene as a Bottom, that’s only a perceived truth. That said, many involved in BDSM believe that all participants should play the role of a Bottom first to understand what it’s like before taking control as a Top. While I haven’t played the Bottom role very much at all, I do experiment with my Top skills on myself. For example, I beat my thighs to visible bruising with canes before I ever considered using a cane on a partner. And I’ve asked Jeannie to hit me with other implements that I use just to be sure I understand the feeling I’m bringing on to someone else.

I’d suggest you enter the party with the intent of bottoming, but this isn’t a hard and fast rule. One benefit, though, is that you are in control of the boundaries and don’t need to take on the responsibility for the safety of another. That’s a tall order in and of itself.

When does friendship end and sex play begin?

OK – so you are ready to dive in and your escort for your first party is a trusted friend. If you are reading this, that trusted friend might actually be me. How do you handle boundaries and trust and awkwardness that could come up?

I’ve taken several friends and we’ve “pre-negotiated” what our expectations are at the party. Because I have experience, it’s relatively easy for me to make suggestions and discuss scenarios that my friends can then decide what they would or wouldn’t want to happen. Friends can also simply guide each other and ultimately make introductions to other kinksters at the party so they can play without these constraints. It’s very open and fluid, but just like scene negotiation, entering with agreed guidelines helps – A LOT!

So far, I’ve only once had an issue where I took a friend and things got very (sexually) heated between us. In this case, after our scene, while cuddling for aftercare, the words “I want to take you home and fuck you” were whispered. It was hot! And it was mutual! But it was outside the original boundaries, so we agreed to a cooling off period, checked in over the next few days, and agreed on how to proceed when cooler heads prevailed. (SPOILER: Our cooler heads were still overheated. In the best way!)

I’ll also say this, there are a few things you MUST be comfortable with to even consider going as friends. These include:

  • A trusting and open and honest friendship. You must be able to discuss awkward and personal topics openly.
  • No shame between each other. No judgment if either of you does something that the other thinks is “weird”.
  • Comfort in your body and possibly exposing your body to your friend. Being naked is not required, but often desired.
  • A willingness to be “close and sensual” without being “sexual”.

That last one is the tough one and really relies on the first point. There’s no way to experiment with kink in a totally “clinical” environment, so embrace the inevitable “heat” that will be generated between you and your friend. But be sure you are both able to handle it openly!

What’s a good way to get started?

So, you are ready to take the plunge? For me, this is an easy question to answer because my core BDSM activity is Shibari, or Japanese Rope Bondage. Shibari is a terrific entry level activity because it’s slow, sensual, and focused on aesthetics more than anything else. It isn’t about pain or control (well, it can be, for sure, but not at first). It’s relatively safe and forces the person I’m tying to get comfortable with all the things I mentioned above – and the space and people around them, too. It’s also the sort of activity that can be done clothed or naked, so the newbie can work in their comfort zone.

What should I wear?

Wear black. Lots of black. I’m only partly kidding. More seriously, wear layers of mostly tight fitting clothing so you can easily take off or put on articles resulting in various levels of undress. For female partners that are going to be tied, I say to wear lingerie that isn’t too delicate (ropes can be rough on fabrics) and as little metal (underwire is a big NO NO) as possible. Cotton panties, yoga pants, and a sports bra are a good base and can be worn while being tied. If you are comfortable, you may want to be naked – that’s your call. But best to have lots of options.

What about sex? Like PIV sex?

MOST (but not all) BDSM parties and dungeons have strict NO SEX rules. You can be totally naked, you can be aroused, but there’s no oral, anal, or PIV sex. One club has a sign that says, “Please don’t fluid bond the furniture. Or each other.” These parties are a place to explore something very sensual, but there is a line. Take your sex home with you. Or at least somewhere other than the party.

Hmmm, anything else?

I’m certain this post isn’t totally comprehensive, but this should be enough to allow you to say, “Sure, let’s try this!” or “Nope, not for me!” And also be comfortable with the basics before arriving at a party.

If you have questions or suggestions that I should cover here, let me know!