He Said – Summer of Sexiness

House of Love: Glory Hole

This is the story of my latest exploits at a House of Love party and the story is explicit. Well, it’s not THAT explicit, but I like to give this warning so readers can decide to proceed or not. It’s a very sexy story, and it’s also a really fun one, too. Every House of Love party is a little different, and everyone experiences them a little differently. This time, it had more of a play party feel, and I embraced it. Read on for the details.

2022: Intentions and Desires

As I mentioned this time last year, I’m not one for resolutions, and instead, I like to talk about annual “intentions and desires.” So let’s first revisit last year’s list and then talk about what I desire for 2022.

The Weekend

Unlike THE WEEKND this post keeps that extra “E” for Exciting, Enthusiastic, Energetic, and Erotic!

A lot of things have been on a slow build leading up to early December. The second weekend of the month proved itself to be the culmination of many of these builds, and several desires. This was the most energetic and exciting weekend in a long time. I’ve had plenty of wonderful weekends lately, but this one built up as if all the disparate activities were meant to come together at once.

Intersectionality & Representation

About six months ago I started working with a new therapist and a key topic on my mind was intersectionality and my personal identity. My lifestyle leads to a complicated list of possible labels, all of which are helpful in allowing others to get an idea of who I am, but also which limit the reality of how fluid we all are as adapting humans.

Ultimately my therapist helped me realize that I was a bit too stuck on the labels and instead I’m now embracing the idea of who I am without labels. Labels still come up, but I let them fill in rather than drive my story. I’m also seeing how my identity plays into representation for various groups (like queer, polyamorous, kinkster) and how I should represent these groups.

As this has become less about my identity and more about how I represent, an episode of the Curious Fox podcast really struck me and I’ll talk about this here.

Equal or Balanced

Word selection and nuance are super important in managing open relationship communication. One simple example has been wrestling with the difference between jealousy and envy. Another, more recent revelation, has been the difference between equal and balanced.

One of the most important aspects in our open marriage is that neither Jeannie nor I are looking for partners to replace each other. Instead we’re looking for partners that supplement or compliment our relationship while fulfilling some individual needs or desires. For example, Jeannie likes some aspects of impact play, but not all the same ones that I enjoy. Therefore, my partnering with Justina to play with canes, for example, complimented my relationship with Jeannie. It allowed me to satisfy a craving I cannot satisfy with Jeannie while taking nothing away from Jeannie and me.

This, is balance. This is what open relationships should seek.

2021: Intentions and Desires

I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions. However, I’m all about setting intentions and desires. Intentions can be a lot like resolutions, but they must be very achievable and I’ll only set a few. Desires can span from the achievable to the “out there” hopes and dreams. But if you don’t put desires out into the universe, how can it provide?!?

So here I go with my intentions and desires!

The Epiphany

Almost two weeks ago, Jeannie asked me a pretty simple question. “What do you miss most, Justina the relationship or Justina the person?” I thought about it for a moment and responded pretty definitively “Justina the person.” I said this because what I miss most is having a friendship with her – a friendship that was based on the person that she is. Of course I miss the relationship, too. But at this point, I’m very clear that I don’t want the relationship that we had – I do want a friendship.

The next day we were eating lunch and watching Lucifer. A line in the show made me deeply emotional. The line was something like, “she loves me for who I was, not who I’ve become.” It was super weird that it made me emotional. But then I had my epiphany:

Justina was the first person to truly love me for who I’d become and I got lost in that love because I thought Jeannie was still loving me for who I once was.

Oh boy…

If You Love Something, Set It Free

While I fully understand the sentiment in the adage “if you love something, set it free” this is ultimately a terrible bit of life advice. It’s an oversimplification and likely to cause more heartache than not. While it’s true you should always be careful not to smother and kill something with your love, that’s just not how most of us love.

As I faced the need to break up with Justina, I didn’t think much about this adage. All I thought about was the pain and suffering we’d both have to go through in the wake of the breakup. Only through that pain, which is ongoing, have I finally given thought to the importance of Justina’s freedom.

This is a painful realization for me, and I still have a lot to process. But perhaps this will begin to bring me some inner peace.

The Risks

When Jeannie and I took the plunge to open our marriage, we were pretty well versed in the risks. This is why we discussed this topic for about four years before finally taking action. I’ve also said since opening up that “getting through the challenges will only make us closer” many, many times. Generally, I’ve been right. Jeannie and I both still feel this way, too.

But what happens when the challenges mount and begin to break down your core trust and security? What happens when your struggles aren’t clear, and things continue to build up before you can make corrections? And what happens if you find yourself doubting, not just being open, but the core relationship with your spouse? Even letting the word divorce sneak into the conversation?

Whether COVID related or not, this is what has happened and it has resulted in us questioning everything. Read on for the story…

COVID Confusion

I know we’re all feeling this, but times are weird since The Great Pause. I have some great stories to share, some sexy updates that have been a terrific foil to COVID Times. But in reality, I can’t bring myself to tell these stories. I’ve been trying for a couple of weeks, but the words won’t come.

This is the “COVID Confusion”

The COVID Confusion is when thoughts and feelings are completely misaligned. And, frankly, this is what most days feel like lately. Some are better than others. In fact, some are truly great! But this confusion is terrifying and exhausting. It feels as if I can’t enjoy the good things in life. And sometimes, it numbs the bad things.

I don’t want to be numb. I fear that any numbness used to get through these uncertain times will carry into The After Times and that will not be good. I want to feel, and I want to feel it all. The joy, the pain, the euphoria, the depression. But it is so confusing and I’m not sure how to get through this.

That’s all for now – I just wanted to share this quick thought while noting that there are good things happening, too; they are just masked in all the COVID Confusion.