House of Love: Glory Hole

This is the story of my latest exploits at a House of Love party and the story is explicit. Well, it’s not THAT explicit, but I like to give this warning so readers can decide to proceed or not. It’s a very sexy story, and it’s also a really fun one, too. Every House of Love party is a little different, and everyone experiences them a little differently. This time, it had more of a play party feel, and I embraced it. Read on for the details.

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Rethinking Relationships Virtual Summit

My friend Axel Blumenberg, author of Marriage and Beyond, has put together the upcoming Rethinking Relationships Virtual Summit, which features myself and over 10 other speakers across 3 days. With all of this content, you are sure to get the tools and knowledge you need to succeed in your relationships 2022!

The event runs from Feb 14th  – Feb 16th and for a limited time you can get a free pass to watch all the presentations from a top lineup of experts.

There’s no selling, just pure valuable content to help you find your relationship superpower in 2022 and beyond!

Get your FREE TICKET now here.

The Weekend

Unlike THE WEEKND this post keeps that extra “E” for Exciting, Enthusiastic, Energetic, and Erotic!

A lot of things have been on a slow build leading up to early December. The second weekend of the month proved itself to be the culmination of many of these builds, and several desires. This was the most energetic and exciting weekend in a long time. I’ve had plenty of wonderful weekends lately, but this one built up as if all the disparate activities were meant to come together at once.

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Intersectionality & Representation

About six months ago I started working with a new therapist and a key topic on my mind was intersectionality and my personal identity. My lifestyle leads to a complicated list of possible labels, all of which are helpful in allowing others to get an idea of who I am, but also which limit the reality of how fluid we all are as adapting humans.

Ultimately my therapist helped me realize that I was a bit too stuck on the labels and instead I’m now embracing the idea of who I am without labels. Labels still come up, but I let them fill in rather than drive my story. I’m also seeing how my identity plays into representation for various groups (like queer, polyamorous, kinkster) and how I should represent these groups.

As this has become less about my identity and more about how I represent, an episode of the Curious Fox podcast really struck me and I’ll talk about this here.

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Equal or Balanced

Word selection and nuance are super important in managing open relationship communication. One simple example has been wrestling with the difference between jealousy and envy. Another, more recent revelation, has been the difference between equal and balanced.

One of the most important aspects in our open marriage is that neither Jeannie nor I are looking for partners to replace each other. Instead we’re looking for partners that supplement or compliment our relationship while fulfilling some individual needs or desires. For example, Jeannie likes some aspects of impact play, but not all the same ones that I enjoy. Therefore, my partnering with Justina to play with canes, for example, complimented my relationship with Jeannie. It allowed me to satisfy a craving I cannot satisfy with Jeannie while taking nothing away from Jeannie and me.

This, is balance. This is what open relationships should seek.

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A Post on my What is Compersion? Post

I was recently asked to write a guest post for Dr. Marie Thouin’s blog: What is Compersion?. It was a pleasure to have met Marie and learn about her research, which she completed as part of her Ph.D. studies. I enjoyed sharing my story with her along with my thoughts on this complex topic.

For those unfamiliar with the term compersion, it originated in the 1990s in the context of ethical non-monogamy to describe feeling joy or happiness at seeing one’s partner happy as a result of their connection with another partner. In other words, if I am compersive (read my post to find out if I am), then I should derive pleasure at seeing Viktor happy when he spends time with an FWB or a new paramour. This is a very simplified version and I would highly recommend that one check out Marie’s blog and research to learn about compersion in much more depth.

While Viktor and I have written about compersion before, this was an interesting exercise for me as I examined my current state of mind regarding compersion. In this regard, I found it useful to look at a broader application of the term because, for me, compersion can be applied to other connections and relationships beyond romantic partners.

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On the Same Page

This has been a busy and productive time for Viktor and me as we spent the past several months committed to ourselves and to our marriage. And, while things are great now, it took a long time to get that way.

In early November, we each broke up with our respective partners. Those first few days were rough for both of us, having cut off all contact with Justina and Alex. As we joked, it was an elimination diet as we went through the symptoms of withdrawal.

As we struggled to deal with our break-ups, there were times when we thought we were on the brink of divorce — not because we wanted to, but we wondered if we were really still on the same page. Did we both want the same things going forward? And if so, what were they?

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2021: Intentions and Desires

I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions. However, I’m all about setting intentions and desires. Intentions can be a lot like resolutions, but they must be very achievable and I’ll only set a few. Desires can span from the achievable to the “out there” hopes and dreams. But if you don’t put desires out into the universe, how can it provide?!?

So here I go with my intentions and desires!

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50 Shades of Love

When we first opened up our marriage, I never considered the possibility of either of us falling in love. I know that to many this might seem preposterous (if not simply naïve), but I had a very narrow view of love. To me, love fell into three different, and distinct, categories: familial love (love for parents, siblings, children and other family connections); friendship love (I will watch your cat for you when you travel even though I don’t really like cats) and romantic love (the all-consuming, heart, body, mind and soulmate love that I have for Viktor).

Consequently, when Viktor first told me that he was in love with Justina, I was devastated because I couldn’t understand how his love for her fit into one of my categories without eclipsing his love for me. This obviously wasn’t familial love; they were having sex so it went far beyond friendship love; so it must be romantic love and thus, a replacement for the love he had for me. I tried to wrap my head around it and to make sense of how these two things could co-exist simultaneously: Viktor’s love for Justina and Viktor’s love for Jeannie. I repeatedly failed and it continued to eat at me, causing significant pain, confusion and loss.

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