The Risks

When Jeannie and I took the plunge to open our marriage, we were pretty well versed in the risks. This is why we discussed this topic for about four years before finally taking action. I’ve also said since opening up that “getting through the challenges will only make us closer” many, many times. Generally, I’ve been right. Jeannie and I both still feel this way, too.

But what happens when the challenges mount and begin to break down your core trust and security? What happens when your struggles aren’t clear, and things continue to build up before you can make corrections? And what happens if you find yourself doubting, not just being open, but the core relationship with your spouse? Even letting the word divorce sneak into the conversation? 

Whether COVID related or not, this is what has happened and it has resulted in us questioning everything. Read on for the story…

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Confidence & Courting

I enjoy flirting. I enjoy playful conversation and texts. I enjoy when a kiss is just a kiss. My point is that sex isn’t my endgame. If I meet a sexy person who is a potential partner, I relish in the chase; in the playfulness of each discussion and each encounter; in the not knowing where this might be going. By appreciating this person in this way, I’m never disappointed because whether we end up friends or lovers, I feel as though I’ve come out ahead.

This is not new for me, to some extent I’ve always behaved this way. Even when I was younger and sex was definitely meant to be the endgame, I was still happy if I made a new friend along that journey. The difference when I was younger was that I was not at all confident. So you can imagine how most flirtations ended.

There’s a fine line between confident and cocky

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Polyversary Number 2

With May’s arrival, Viktor and I celebrated our second polyversary with a quiet night at home (of course, it is still a pandemic after all) and a rope scene (our first in months). While it is hard to believe that another full year has passed, I’m not going to lie – this was a tough year.

Last May found me in high spirits ticking off a long list of amazing accomplishments from our first year in an open marriage. I was thrilled with how much our marriage had been strengthened and with how far I had traversed in my sexual awakening, overcoming so much sexual shutdown and shame. Viktor and I were in a fabulous place and we were poised for another great year.

Well, it wasn’t the year that either of us anticipated, that’s for certain. And, although I don’t relish the pain and suffering that I (and we) endured, I am not sure that I would change anything.

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What Is Love? What About IN Love?

About six months ago there was a pretty seismic shift in the open/poly lifestyle that Jeannie and I were exploring. This shift focused around what it means to be IN LOVE with someone else. Nuances and semantics around the phrase “in love” became the story of the day. It was often distracting from the true topic(s) at hand, yet we did work through it and we’re truly in a better place about our various relationships these days.

Regardless of being in a better place, Jeannie and I continued struggling over the (VERY) minor issue of terms and definitions. We still didn’t have a common language to explain what “in love” meant to each of us. Then Jeannie can upon this article: “Love Vs. In Love: Which Is Better?“. While we take issue with the title (one is not inherently better) this was the first time there was science highlighted to explain the difference. This brought us to an interesting conclusion.

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Love, Lust and Potential Loss in the Time of Coronavirus

So here we are going into week six of social distancing. Like everyone else, we have had our share of good days and bad days, neutral days and a few “I am so fucking over this” days. Through it all, we have continued to nurture various relationships, including our own. And, while in some cases this is easier done than in others, we are committed to building connections in their various forms and functions.

Along these lines, my relationship with Alex continues to blossom. We text each other multiple times a day, often sexy texts, sometimes silly ones and always communication that bring us closer together. It has been amazing to see how we are building a deep emotional connection, while sustaining the intense chemistry we first felt at our initial meeting – all through technology. We have weekly video chats that include physical intimacy that, while virtual, is also very real and authentic. I have struggled with trying to name, define or quantify our relationship, but have given up, realizing that labels do not matter; what we know that we feel for each other does.

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Love Languages in Isolation

I only just posted yesterday about having a difficult week and feeling so lonely even though I’m not at all alone. In that post I noted how difficult it has been to be away from Justina even though Jeannie and I are truly thriving together. These two opposing feelings are clearly not mutually exclusive, yet it has been difficult for me to reconcile this. Then along comes a post on Poly.Land, just hours after my thoughts, that explains this all quite well. It’s like Page was listening to me – or reading my blog, too!

It boils down to a couple of key points:

  1. Nonconsensual Long Distance Relationships
  2. Love Languages

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The More the Merrier — My Myriad of Metamours

Traditionally, at weddings, one of the bride’s parents might be heard to quip, “I am not losing a daughter, I am gaining a son.”* In polyamory, the corollary might be, “I am not losing a partner, I am gaining a metamour.” In fact, depending on one’s current situation, they might be gaining metamours (plural).

For those unfamiliar with this term, your metamour is your partner’s partner. At the moment, I have three metamours – two with whom I have close connections and one whom I haven’t met yet. The two most prominent metamours in my orbit are Justina and Wendy. It has been interesting to see how these relationships have developed with time and how they have been helpful for me as I navigate the polyverse. [NB: If you are just joining us, Justina is Viktor’s girlfriend and Wendy is Cooper’s primary and nesting partner.]

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Isolation Activities for Kinksters

This post will NOT be entirely about kink, but will include kink. This post WILL, however, likely resonate with all kinksters as there are common threads in how we all behave.

For several days now I’ve been trying to write a post called “Love and Lust in Isolation” to recap all my (virtual) sexy connections since “stay at home” began. I keep stalling on that post and I’m not sure why. But when a kinkster friend asked me to recap my group activities, I had little trouble emailing them a small novella! So I guess I’ll start with this more general post and go back to my one-on-one stories later. In the meantime, know that there are two new partners that will come to a blog post near you very soon: Rita and Anne – both virtual. Well, they are real people, but the play has been virtual!

Now, for my sex positive friends out there, here’s my “recommended reading list for isolation” – but replace reading with activity and we’re all set!

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Experiencing Intimacy at a Distance

As I shared in my last post, I have been embracing old and new technologies to build connection during social distancing. While the reality of the world generally sucks right now, it has been amazing to truly connect with people – getting to know them better, learning how they cope during difficult times and simply knowing that they are there for you, sending love and support from afar.

Along these lines, Alex and I have continued to deepen our connection as we progress in our beautiful courtship. We have cemented our emotional bond more firmly through exquisite texts and poetry, while concurrently fanning the flames of desire with our “lust letters” to one another. It is quite heady and deliciously arousing! I am pleasantly surprised by how close I feel to him and how much he turns me on from/despite the distance and lack of in-person contact.

With March behind us, we are just shy of a month since our initial meeting, but it has indeed been an intense month with much more activity and interaction than would have normally occurred during this same time period under usual circumstances. Of course, these are anything but usual circumstances. We are happily reaping the benefits of the slower pace of work and life and really enjoying the opportunity to deeply connect with one another.

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Love, Lust and Connection in the Time of Coronavirus

So the world has been closed until further notice. These are unprecedented times and we have no way of knowing when (if?) the world will return to its regularly scheduled programming. Until then, we must find new ways of doing, behaving and communicating. Thankfully, we have the benefit of technology to assist with some of this, although I am finding that a return to low/no tech is also a welcome change.

On the technological side, earlier in the week, I was able to have an in-depth video chat with Justina to discuss our mutual concerns and otherwise share our feelings with one another. While we obviously approach our relationships with Viktor differently, we both have his best interests at heart and the more she and I can come together and talk, the easier it is/will be.

We also obviously have different perspectives and opinions on dating and poly life, so it was helpful to be able to explain to her why I am feeling the way I have been feeling. I think it was a beneficial experience for both of us and while I do still have wobbly moments, I am feeling better about things, taking it one day at a time and trying not to worry about what things might look like with her in our lives 6 months, a year or five years from now.

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