It’s hard to believe that almost a year has gone by since that first, fateful party, catapulting Viktor and me into a new chapter of our lives. When we first decided to pursue this journey, we knew that it would be a positive experience, but that really doesn’t sufficiently capture the profound impact that this past year has had on us as a couple and on me and my sexual awakening.
Almost ten years ago, I served as the anonymous interviewee (Charlotte – #5) for an article on sexual frequency in marriage in Self Magazine, August 2010. At the time, we admitted to having sex about once a month, but in reality, I think it was even less. And, this was after 13 years of marriage, which had been undersexed from the very beginning. I was shut down sexually – filled with shame, a lack of libido, and a general sense that wives (aka good girls) weren’t sexual beings. Rationally, I knew that these thoughts didn’t make sense, but I didn’t know how to overcome their negative influence.
Thankfully, despite the lack of intercourse, we still remained close with shared intimacy – kissing, cuddling, hugs and a sense of being loved. This was never at issue or in doubt! Thus, I was eager to share my story in the magazine to let other women know that they weren’t alone. But, while I was somewhat at peace with where things stood in my marriage and sex life, I knew I wanted so much more.
It has been a lengthy journey, one which is still unfolding.
It has been a long road getting to where I am now. As the article mentions, I had started my pole dancing classes as a way to explore my sensuality and sexuality and was finding some benefit, but I know it was only the beginning.
Through S Factor, I began to step more boldly and confidently into my body and, into my sensuality and sexuality. I began to own that I was, indeed, a sexual being. I still had to push past feelings of shame, but over time, I became more comfortable in this ownership.
My next conscious step on this path was enrolling in Mama Gena’s School of the Womanly Arts. With its emphasis on women’s empowerment from a place of pleasure, I started to explore my body more intimately, making self pleasure a more regular practice and learning to stay more embodied. This course of study and its concurrent immersion into an amazing community of like-minded women, was so beneficial as I continued to release shame and identify my sexual desires.
Yet, while I had healed so much, something was still missing. Viktor and I greatly increased our intimacy, but our sex life still stalled from time to time. It wasn’t until we chose to explore an open marriage that things shifted as seismically as they have.
Interestingly, for years, I had a recurrent, obtrusive visual of a snake entering my vaginal canal and traveling upward and out my mouth. While I knew that this wasn’t anatomically possible, I continued to have this unwanted image pop in my mind from time and time and finally shared it with Coltrane during our pre-boudoir photo shoot work. She explained that this vision was very connected to Kundalini energy, but neither of us necessarily understood why I continued to have this vision.
In the wake of all that has happened in the past year, I am convinced that this experience has finally awakened and activated my Kundalini energy that had been stuck and stagnant all this time. For the first time in my life, my body is responding intensely sexually after decades of being shut down and non-responsive.
With each experience and encounter, I have learned so much about my body and myself, as I take the time to reflect and savor each moment. I have a long list of “accomplishments” such as performing on the pole, dancing at an erotic party, increasing the frequency of sex with Viktor, enjoying a threesome, having sex at a sex party and being comfortable to walk around nude.
But, most importantly, I have gotten much clearer on my turns-ons and desires; learned about my body and its ability to climax in numerous ways; increased my intimacy with Viktor (and improved our marriage); increased my libido; increased confidence in myself and my body; met some incredible people; released shame; found my voice again; and learned to truly trust myself.
Moreover, this journey has come in waves, each one bringing its own sense of wonder, challenge and change. I am still a work in progress, but I am so excited about this personal transformation in achieving my lifelong goal of being a sexually alive being, capable of such pleasure and power.
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