Tag: ethics

The More the Merrier — My Myriad of Metamours

Traditionally, at weddings, one of the bride’s parents might be heard to quip, “I am not losing a daughter, I am gaining a son.”* In polyamory, the corollary might be, “I am not losing a partner, I am gaining a metamour.” In fact, depending on one’s current situation, they might be gaining metamours (plural).

For those unfamiliar with this term, your metamour is your partner’s partner. At the moment, I have three metamours – two with whom I have close connections and one whom I haven’t met yet. The two most prominent metamours in my orbit are Justina and Wendy. It has been interesting to see how these relationships have developed with time and how they have been helpful for me as I navigate the polyverse. [NB: If you are just joining us, Justina is Viktor’s girlfriend and Wendy is Cooper’s primary and nesting partner.]

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Men Behaving Badly

I am not quite sure why this has been such a difficult post to write even though I came up with the title months ago. Perhaps I am trying to distance myself from these painful experiences, but, in the end, I do think it is a good idea to fully process what happened through writing so I can more easily move on.

First off, I realize that my dating experiences echo what a lot of other women are going through. I am not alone in being brushed off and ignored, but yet I feel it so viscerally – it feels like an abandonment and I don’t understand the behavior.

I truly can’t fathom why it seems to be so difficult for people (in this case, men) to simply state their truth: I have changed my mind/I am no longer interested in pursuing this/etc. While I might not be thrilled to receive such a message, it is much better than no message at all. And, it is certainly better than being ignored.

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Falling In Love. All Over Again.

Polyamory isn’t always about wild orgies and sex parties. Maybe for some it is, but that’s not us. And that’s precisely why we started this blog, to present a different viewpoint that includes the highs and the lows of this exploration. Simply put, polyamory is complicated and rarely easy, and those in the lifestyle need to constantly balance the pros and cons; constantly evaluate if the pleasure is worth the pain.

This past week was one of those moments where it seemed to Jeannie and me that our poly journey might need to end. We were seriously wondering if the pleasure outweighed the pain as we hit a true low point on this journey. Jeannie spiraled quickly to a very dark place this week, but I’m happy to report that we’re coming out the other side successfully.

And we’re falling in love all over again!

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I Love You! (or am I In Love With You?)

Jeannie recently posted “Emotional Rollercoasters and Shame Spirals: When Compersion Isn’t Enough” – It’s a very important part of our story and currently very raw and challenging. Yet, somehow, I’ve never felt closer to her; never more sure of our commitment and our bond. She’s struggling right now, having feelings or being discarded and used, and all I want to do is help alleviate those feelings. While I can provide a lot of emotional support, only Jeannie can process her emotions. Thankfully, because of our trust and communication, she hasn’t held back and has been asking me difficult questions. I may not want to hear them at first, but answering them has been so incredible helpful.

Before diving into the “love/in love” matter, I want to point out that there are at least two distinct things sending Jeannie down this shame spiral:

  • Disappointment in the lack of commitment from her partners (feeling used and discarded)
  • Dealing with my new found love for my girlfriend, Justina (jealousy and the painful potential that I might discard her)

I feel strongly that Jeannie was already concerned about the first point, but in reality it’s the second one that triggered the deep, dark, negative feelings she’s processing right now. And I get it, I’m sure I’d feel the same if she came home tomorrow and told me she’s in love with another. For this post, though, I’m separating the two and discussing only the topic within my control – my feelings toward Justina.

Continue reading I Love You! (or am I In Love With You?)

ENM: The Ethics of Polyamory

The world is filled with acronyms and the dating scene is not immune. I frequently find myself heading over to the Urban Dictionary to decode people’s profiles. It’s a good thing I do because I recently thought that a duo who described themselves as a VGL couple might be vegan lovers, but it turns out that VGL stands for Very Good Looking (although if you have to state that you are very good looking …).

Anyway, another important acronym is ENM: Ethical Non-Monogamy. These three letters tell an important story because it is essentially the difference between being honest with your partner and being a cheater (yes, this is an oversimplification, but you get the idea).

When I meet people on the dating app, Viktor and I have a joint profile, so it should be clear to potential partners that we are practicing ethical non-monogamy. Moreover, when I have met people at play parties or elsewhere, I am quick to let them know that I am married and am happy to explain our situation. I don’t want anyone to be accidentally misled or be surprised. If they are not interested in pursuing me further as a result, no worries.

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