This has been an incredibly difficult two weeks as I struggle to make sense of where we are on this journey and how I am feeling about it. Mercury in Retrograde, my impending burlesque performance and continued Seasonal Affective Disorder have all conspired to make me even more emotional than usual. Consequently, I have been a rollercoaster of emotions yet again, driving Viktor (and likely others) understandably nuts, but throughout we have remained connected in our communication, no matter how painful or difficult.
A lot of things have come up for me recently and I have been doing a lot of journaling and writing, including penning a few blog posts that I am hesitant to publish. It’s scary to be so vulnerable and real when you know that your words impact others in your orbit.
I have also done a ton of Googling (and subsequent reading) on various poly topics in an attempt to better understand what this all means for Viktor and me. We didn’t exactly plan for all of this to happen – it just sort of did – and now we are dealing with the consequences, not all of which are bad, but all are new.
I fell in love with Viktor at 17 and I don’t think I ever stopped being in love with him despite dating others in between that tender age and getting married at 26. I am still very much in love with him and truly believe that he is my soulmate. For over 20 years, we have been just the two of us. Now that it is the three of us, it feels as if everything that I knew and believed has changed. I wrestle with figuring out how we can still be soulmates if he has room in his heart to fall for someone else. There seems to be divided views on this topic in the polyamorous community, but, at least to some, the two are not at odds. I take heart in that.
On the flip side, it feels so foreign to me to think that I could ever love anyone else in a romantic way. Yes, I love my close friends, but that is a different kind of love. I just don’t know if I can find room in my heart for anyone new in this way, but I am trying to remain open to the possibility.
Moreover, Viktor recently noted that he had called Justina to have “another shoulder to cry on.” It really hurt to know that he was reaching out to her in his time of need (he has several emotional issues he is dealing with right now). Reaching out to her for advice makes sense, but knowing that he needed her comfort and support made me feel really uncomfortable. In my mind, that’s supposed to be my role, not hers. And, if she can provide that for him, what is my purpose anymore?
In this regard, I have been Viktor’s wife for 23+ years – that is a significant part of my identity. If I begin to share this role with others, who am I and what is left for me that sets me apart as special and sacred? I know that there is so much more to our love than this would imply, but it is challenging to embrace these changes after all this time. And, it is hard not to feel competition for limited resources.
I am definitely pressing edges on all sides, trying to learn to expand my definitions and overcome ingrained behaviors and beliefs. I am also in the midst of processing old traumas and am at the start of what appears to be a long journey of healing and recovery. It hurts. A lot. But, I am confident that I will come out stronger and healthier on the other side.
As I navigate this road ahead, I know that I am so blessed to have the love and support of my friends and community. This has been a tremendous help to me in staying as grounded as possible despite being on a ship adrift the high seas. A special gratitude to T for being my land-based skipper as our boat sails ahead on this uncharted voyage.
Today, the rain has dissipated and the sun is finally shining again. It feels like the first day that I can breathe deeply. My nervous system feels more at peace as I work to let go of the fight or flight response that has plagued my body and mind for months. I am optimistic that we will weather this storm as we have done with all of the others – hand in hand. Together. Always.