When Viktor first told me that he was in love with Justina, it hit me hard. It took me several weeks to process the intense emotions that were unleashed. I was very confused as to what I was specifically feeling and struggled to determine if I truly felt compersion for my partner despite saying that I did.
It hurt… a lot, and I wanted to make sense of everything so I could understand and move forward. Heal. On top of all of this, I was grappling with the loss of Sam. We had initially been texting three to four times a day with the added intensity of our sexting, which then dwindled to an occasional text every few days. What was up?
I missed the interaction with Sam, not just the fun, flirty, sexual innuendo (and the more overt conversations), but also the contact and friendship. Of course, I created all sorts of scenarios to explain Sam’s telephonic absence and tried in vain to stop thinking about him. I felt the loss acutely, which felt even more painful in light of Justina and Viktor’s budding romance. I felt so alone.
I vacillated between the two poles of pain, both equally unwelcome, as Viktor and I headed out of town for our anniversary. We bared our souls, our bodies and our hearts, leaving nothing unexamined or unsaid. At last I spoke my truth: I was afraid that Viktor would leave me. And, in exploring envy and jealousy, it became clear that I was deeply and fully jealous(fear!) as well as envious that Viktor had a girlfriend when I had only had a series of play partners. I wanted more.
But, could I handle more? Sam’s departure, finally confirmed at the airport post-weekend, left me uncertain on that score. If his exit at this early stage could induce such painful feelings, what if I truly fell in love?
Yet my uncertainty with Viktor had been dispelled thanks to our candid conversations, intimate encounters and close connection all weekend. I left Miami feeling surer of our love and marital bond than ever. I felt my heart open and softened and compersion flowed easily and with abundance.
With the amazing energy of our weekend away buzzing inside me, I started the week on a high. I was in love with Viktor. I was happy for him and Justina.
And then everything fell apart.
That Wednesday, Viktor and Justina had their first BDSM scene and sex date. I spent the evening at my dance class and then out with a friend, coming home cold, wet and miserable. Viktor had said that the door to the guest room might be open, beckoning and welcoming me to join them. But when I arrived home, the door was firmly shut. I felt it slammed in my face even though it hadn’t moved or made a sound.
I removed my wet clothes, put on warm, cozy pajamas and crawled into bed, too upset to really cry. Viktor came to me sometime later and I desperately wanted him to stay with me – to choose me – but, but I felt too selfish to ask and I sent him back to Justina…sleeping alone and waking alone.
I awoke the next day feeling miserable. And I have remained miserable for the past four days. I can’t get over it. I can’t stop the pain. I feel the shame spiral spinning out of control, coupled with agony and heartbreak.
I feel discarded, used and unloved. I can’t stop comparing the superficial nature of my dating relationships — seeing them as cheap and tawdry through a cloudy and distorted lens — with those of Viktor and Justina’s intense love connection. The pain of seeing him with her in my mind’s eye, making love to her, it is unbearable.
I spent most of Saturday curled up in bed on one long crying jag before I eventually fell asleep for the day and then the rest of the weekend on a roller coaster of emotion soaring from intense heights of self-hatred to extreme lows of depression; I almost wish I were dead, but I am not going to act on such intrusive, negative thoughts.
A big part of me wants to simply put an end the open marriage, but I am truly trying to be fair and balanced to Viktor. I hate the way I am feeling both in terms of the pain but also its impact on him. This is not my intention, but I need to protect myself and my sanity.
Throughout this weekend, we have continued to talk, keeping our options open, knowing that I am not in my right mind to make any major decisions at this moment. Baby steps as we take it one piece at a time – helping me to heal and make sense of what has happened and why it hurts so damned much. After that, who knows. I just know that we will get to the other side of this together and have no doubt that we will come out even stronger.