After my date with Frank, I arrived home to find Viktor still awake. I filled him in on my evening and we talked about various topics. Eventually, we started discussing Justina. I was happy to hear about how well things were progressing with Viktor and Justina and was excited for their new relationship until…
In a somewhat casual, off-handed way, Viktor revealed that he was in love with Justina. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. It was such a visceral response. Wait, what? You just started dating two weeks ago and you are already in love with her? It hurt like hell and I began to cry. A steady trail of tears began to fall down my face; I felt fear and sadness and a host of other unnamed emotions.
I really felt badly about my reaction, which should have been more positive and happy for him if I truly feel compersion, which I do. But, I wasn’t going to deny my true feelings either. I was upset for myself. I wondered if I was still special if he could have such intense feelings for her so soon.
We talked through everything and Viktor apologized for blind sighting me and not being more sensitive to how he introduced the topic. He thought I already knew and was simply stating it again. I didn’t, but I understood what had happened.
After talking through my emotional crisis, we came to a good conclusion and went to bed. I felt better the next day, but a week on, it’s still raw and vulnerable as I continue to process it.
Do I have compersion? Yes
Do I have some jealousy? Yes
But, I think there is also envy and fear. Envy. How did Viktor get a girlfriend before I got a boyfriend? And fear. Does Viktor have sufficient love to share? I say yes, but do I believe it?
Deep down, I truly trust and know that our bond is unshakable. Our friendship and love endures and can withstand anything. The allure of Justina, their new relationship and what she brings to Viktor are deserving of Viktor’s love and interest, but, I know they won’t overtake or overshadow the love he has for me.
In a certain way, Viktor went from 0 to 100 in 60 seconds and I didn’t have time to adjust to seeing him with others more casually and over several months. But, like all of our various new experiences, this will simply take time for me to ease into.
I’ve already had great interactions with Justina and I look forward to getting to know her better. Time will heal my wounds, make me stronger and give me the wisdom to open my heart still further. This is what I asked for; this is what I wanted; and now I just have to be patient as I learn how to live in this new place. But, there’s no denying, this shit is real!