Jeannie

Love, Lust and Connection in the Time of Coronavirus

So the world has been closed until further notice. These are unprecedented times and we have no way of knowing when (if?) the world will return to its regularly scheduled programming. Until then, we must find new ways of doing, behaving and communicating. Thankfully, we have the benefit of technology to assist with some of this, although I am finding that a return to low/no tech is also a welcome change.

On the technological side, earlier in the week, I was able to have an in-depth video chat with Justina to discuss our mutual concerns and otherwise share our feelings with one another. While we obviously approach our relationships with Viktor differently, we both have his best interests at heart and the more she and I can come together and talk, the easier it is/will be.

We also obviously have different perspectives and opinions on dating and poly life, so it was helpful to be able to explain to her why I am feeling the way I have been feeling. I think it was a beneficial experience for both of us and while I do still have wobbly moments, I am feeling better about things, taking it one day at a time and trying not to worry about what things might look like with her in our lives 6 months, a year or five years from now.

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Men Behaving Badly

I am not quite sure why this has been such a difficult post to write even though I came up with the title months ago. Perhaps I am trying to distance myself from these painful experiences, but, in the end, I do think it is a good idea to fully process what happened through writing so I can more easily move on.

First off, I realize that my dating experiences echo what a lot of other women are going through. I am not alone in being brushed off and ignored, but yet I feel it so viscerally – it feels like an abandonment and I don’t understand the behavior.

I truly can’t fathom why it seems to be so difficult for people (in this case, men) to simply state their truth: I have changed my mind/I am no longer interested in pursuing this/etc. While I might not be thrilled to receive such a message, it is much better than no message at all. And, it is certainly better than being ignored.

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A swoon-worthy date

As noted, I have been slow to talk about Cooper, but I thought it was time to include a sexy encounter with him. He was happy to oblige with juicy content on our most recent date, which incidentally lasted nearly 24 hours.

Cooper and I had planned for me to arrive at his place around 1pm on Saturday afternoon. Shortly before I left my apartment, I received a text from Cooper: “I want to do naughty things to you when you get here.” I immediately replied, “Yes, please.” He wrote back, “Good girl. I have not yet cum today and would like you to help me with that 😈” Then, a minute later, “I need to be inside you before we go out.”

I felt an electrical charge pulse through my body, especially in some parts more than others. Swoon! I texted back a Bitmoji of me swooning and briefly considered ditching the subway and taking a car to get to him more quickly.

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What a Difference a Week Makes

It’s hard to believe that only a week has passed since my full-on melt down and yet I am in such a better place in such a short period of time. I have been feeling much more grounded, happier and calmer. I still have moments of doubt, but I feel stronger and more easily able to push these adverse thoughts away. I am also feeling more connected to Viktor as a result of this tumultuous period – it’s not my preferred way to increase intimacy, but I will gladly take the positive outcome to what was otherwise a very negative experience.

As I look to further bolster my mental and emotional health, over the past week, I have been actively researching various healing modalities as I look for external guidance on this journey. As much as Viktor and I continue to talk and keep our lines of communication open, it feels like time to reach out for help. I am hopeful that such outside exploration will permit me to become clearer on what I truly desire for myself and for our marriage, as well as permit me to release hurt and pain more effectively.

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The Calm After the Storm

This has been an incredibly difficult two weeks as I struggle to make sense of where we are on this journey and how I am feeling about it. Mercury in Retrograde, my impending burlesque performance and continued Seasonal Affective Disorder have all conspired to make me even more emotional than usual. Consequently, I have been a rollercoaster of emotions yet again, driving Viktor (and likely others) understandably nuts, but throughout we have remained connected in our communication, no matter how painful or difficult.

A lot of things have come up for me recently and I have been doing a lot of journaling and writing, including penning a few blog posts that I am hesitant to publish. It’s scary to be so vulnerable and real when you know that your words impact others in your orbit.

I have also done a ton of Googling (and subsequent reading) on various poly topics in an attempt to better understand what this all means for Viktor and me. We didn’t exactly plan for all of this to happen – it just sort of did – and now we are dealing with the consequences, not all of which are bad, but all are new.

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House of Love: Valentine’s Day edition – Some Like it (Red) Haute!

In my last post, I mused, “Can I reclaim the fun [of this journey]?” Fortunately, the answer is a resounding Yes!

It had been a difficult and emotional week. In addition to feeling lonely and much less loved, I also had a heated discussion with Viktor on Thursday night. Of course, feeling less connected to one’s partner is never good, but it felt especially vulnerable in the run up to Valentine’s Day. Thankfully, by the conclusion of our intense conversation, I was more at ease with the situation and ready for the holiday.

This year for Valentine’s Day, we had decided to go to the House of Love party at House of Yes with Gigi. Given the event’s coincidence with the holiday, the theme was Red Haute. Despite planning my costume for weeks, the morning of Valentine’s Day, I was less excited about this year’s plans because last year had been so amazing (See this post and this one). Plus, my last venture to House of Love had not been a great success, so I had some trepidation about what the night would bring. Time would tell…

In spite of a less than enthusiastic outlook, I headed into my Friday with an upbeat attitude, which was rewarded in spades. My usual Friday S Factor class was great and I had an awesome dance, unlocking new emotions and finding new movement.

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Poly-Anna has left the building

When this journey first started, it was all roses and unicorns, but as noted, lately, there have been many ups and downs, so my outlook has become decidedly less rosy. Instead, things have become more challenging as we maneuver the complexities of being in a polyamorous relationship.

Our initial foray focused on a simple opening up of the marriage – with ethical non-monogamy, but no emotional attachments. Then, Jon mentioned the idea of falling in love, which prompted a series of conversations with Viktor and sparked my desire to find a boyfriend. I observed that the situation seemed to work well for Matt and Gary, who each had a wife and girlfriend.

I also thought such an arrangement would eliminate the never-ending flux of situationships, which left me feeling, at best, like a revolving door, and, more often, abandoned for a myriad of unknown reasons as many (not all) men behaved very badly.

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No Ands or Ifs, but definitely Butts!

Back in July, I expressed only a mild curiosity about anal sex, but more recently made the commitment to explore it more intentionally. To this end, Viktor purchased a set of butt plugs, so that we could start training my ass to receive his cock. Among our first trials of these implements, I had an amazingly orgasmic session (see my Blissed Out Beyond Belief post). It was an auspicious beginning for sure!

With such a positive introduction, I was happy to be on this journey and we continued to schedule time explicitly for this purpose. After several anal play dates, I became more comfortable with having something inserted into my ass and began to enjoy the pleasurable sensations that such stimulation provided.

On one such occasion, we left the plug inserted in my ass and proceeded to have penetrative sex. It was extremely intense and orgasmic to have the additional stimulation while having Goddess spot and clitoral stimulation. Although the plug ultimately fell out, it was a fun experience and confirmed why Mia was so partial to double penetration 😉.

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Out of the Darkness Into the Light

While my last blog post decidedly ended on a positive note, in it I revealed a very dark side of emotions I was feeling. Admittedly, this Fall and Winter have been much more challenging for me on this journey compared to the lightness I experienced much of the previous year. As Mama Gena says, I have been playing ALL 88 keys (perhaps especially the sharps and flats). But, despite these negative experiences, I still believe that this journey continues to be a positive one for me and for us. Thus, I feel a renewed buoyancy as we slowly shift from the nadir of the Winter Solstice and welcome the sun’s return.

On that note, with the arrival of the new year and new decade, I am confident that Viktor and I are poised for great things in the year to come. I am encouraged by the amazing conversations and communication that we have had over the past several weeks. Yes, they have been difficult, if not downright painful, but we are yet again increasing our intimacy and strengthening our marital bond. Continue reading Out of the Darkness Into the Light

The Pain of Pleasure

As noted previously, the act of compersion is deriving pleasure from the pleasure that your partner receives from others. However, over the past several weeks, I haven’t been able to move beyond my own pain to focus on Viktor’s pleasure. Instead, I am feeling quite miserable and had been suicidal for a short time.

In truth, this month has been incredibly difficult for me. I thought I was finally in a really good place about Justina and Viktor, but then Viktor took Avalon to a BDSM party and now they are play partners.

Compared to a girlfriend, this should be easy for me. Yet it is still so hard. First off, when I got home after their play date, there was some confusion between Viktor and me because I thought I was going to have dinner with them, but due to various reasons, it didn’t work out and I felt left out. Also, they were in the den eating and watching TV, which is not a welcoming setting compared to if they had been sitting at the dining table.

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