The Pain of Pleasure

As noted previously, the act of compersion is deriving pleasure from the pleasure that your partner receives from others. However, over the past several weeks, I haven’t been able to move beyond my own pain to focus on Viktor’s pleasure. Instead, I am feeling quite miserable and had been suicidal for a short time.

In truth, this month has been incredibly difficult for me. I thought I was finally in a really good place about Justina and Viktor, but then Viktor took Avalon to a BDSM party and now they are play partners.

Compared to a girlfriend, this should be easy for me. Yet it is still so hard. First off, when I got home after their play date, there was some confusion between Viktor and me because I thought I was going to have dinner with them, but due to various reasons, it didn’t work out and I felt left out. Also, they were in the den eating and watching TV, which is not a welcoming setting compared to if they had been sitting at the dining table.

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The Alchemy of Emotion

It’s amazing to think about how much has happened in just a few weeks! In late September, I was hit hard by Viktor’s revelation that he was in love with his new girlfriend, Justina. I took some time to recover from the shock, further bolstered by our wonderful weekend away in celebration of our 23rd wedding anniversary. I thought all was fine…until it wasn’t. From there, it was a deep dive into depression, with many crying jags, endless discussions and an emotional rollercoaster that truly threw me for a loop.

Eventually, I knew it was time to pick myself up and dust myself off, knowing that this painful place wasn’t where I wanted to be. I hated the selfish nature of what I was feeling and was very conscious about not derailing Viktor and Justina’s relationship. Yes, I was struggling with jealousy, envy, shame and doubt, but I knew that I needed to allow these emotions to move through my body if I was ever going to heal and move past them.
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Blissed Out Beyond Belief

As a student of all things (well, many things) related to sex, I am no stranger to sexual empowerment and have read about the transformational power of orgasm from Layla Martin, Keeley Olivia and others. But, to tell the truth, I always thought they were exaggerating. Yes, sex can be amazing, but could it really be as magical as they claimed? Spoiler alert: It can!

Last weekend, Viktor and I had a very specific sex date planned. Among his desires, Viktor very much wants to have anal sex with me and we have agreed to begin prepping in this regard. Thus, we had decided that we would engage in some anal play, namely butt plugs that Viktor had purchased for this purpose.

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