terminology

The Power, Pain and Pleasure of Kundalini

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. In this regard, this past fall was a pivotal point in my life, but, at the time, I was unaware of precisely what was going on. In fact, it wasn’t until this past weekend, when I had a profound sexual experience, that I truly came to understand what has been happening for me in my body.

In late September, two important things occurred. First, Viktor told me he was in love with Justina, unintentionally inflicting pain. And, two days later, we had an amazing sex date, unexpectedly bringing me incredible pleasure as I experienced a series of intense, energetic orgasms. Then, in the weeks and months that followed, I proceeded to experience a self-proclaimed roller coaster of emotions (most of which have been discussed on this blog), finding occasional highs and moments of calm, but more frequently feeling depressed and even, at times, suicidal. I was making Viktor crazy and I wasn’t particularly pleased with how I was feeling and acting either. Unfortunately, when these things initially happened, I didn’t realize that they were connected…until now.

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Yoga, BDSM, Mindfulness, and Flow (Oh, My!)

I recently tuned in to a conversation on kink and trauma with Somatic Witch. Kink and mental health is a fascinating topic; and a rabbit hole that I’ve begun to curiously, and cautiously, venture into. When Jeannie and I first took a D/s workshop with Om Rupani he discussed this early in the day. He said that BDSM, done correctly, can help participants work through past trauma – but also cautioned at the dangers within if done incorrectly. We took that workshop many years ago and hadn’t ever thought about this before, but it certainly made sense. Since that time we’ve both experienced this firsthand.

Much is said about subspace which is the altered mental state that a submissive or bottom can enter during a BDSM scene. In the conversation with Somatic Witch she said that one of the reasons a sub can heal previous trauma is because subspace is a space of mindfulness. I was initially a bit confused because I’ve tried to get Jeannie into subspace as a way for her to “get out of her head.” Yet mindfulness, to me, seems like being very much in your mind, or in your head. Yet the more I dug into this, the more sense it made despite the appearance of contradiction.

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What Is Love? What About IN Love?

About six months ago there was a pretty seismic shift in the open/poly lifestyle that Jeannie and I were exploring. This shift focused around what it means to be IN LOVE with someone else. Nuances and semantics around the phrase “in love” became the story of the day. It was often distracting from the true topic(s) at hand, yet we did work through it and we’re truly in a better place about our various relationships these days.

Regardless of being in a better place, Jeannie and I continued struggling over the (VERY) minor issue of terms and definitions. We still didn’t have a common language to explain what “in love” meant to each of us. Then Jeannie can upon this article: “Love Vs. In Love: Which Is Better?“. While we take issue with the title (one is not inherently better) this was the first time there was science highlighted to explain the difference. This brought us to an interesting conclusion.

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Sapiosexuals and Sexuality

Today I’m writing about the sapiosexual and their sexuality. I’m not going to include references because, to be honest, the definition is somewhat fluid, the science is new, and the term itself can be loaded with negative connotation. Instead I’m going to discuss it with a working definition and real world understanding from one point of view: my own.

“Sapiosexual” is a relatively new term that refers to those whose sexual attraction is rooted in their partner’s intellect. It can be said that the sapiosexual is only attracted to intelligent partners, but that might be taking the definition a bit too far because it isn’t about raw intelligence (i.e. IQ) but about how one may behave as an intellect. In other words, the intellectual attraction could be just as much based on the person’s knowledge of science as their knowledge of pop music. Separating intellect and intelligence is important.

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The More the Merrier — My Myriad of Metamours

Traditionally, at weddings, one of the bride’s parents might be heard to quip, “I am not losing a daughter, I am gaining a son.”* In polyamory, the corollary might be, “I am not losing a partner, I am gaining a metamour.” In fact, depending on one’s current situation, they might be gaining metamours (plural).

For those unfamiliar with this term, your metamour is your partner’s partner. At the moment, I have three metamours – two with whom I have close connections and one whom I haven’t met yet. The two most prominent metamours in my orbit are Justina and Wendy. It has been interesting to see how these relationships have developed with time and how they have been helpful for me as I navigate the polyverse. [NB: If you are just joining us, Justina is Viktor’s girlfriend and Wendy is Cooper’s primary and nesting partner.]

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Polyamorous Quotes and Terms

One of the endlessly entertaining things about being polyamorous is the litany of quotes and terms we’ve said or heard. I recall the first time someone asked me, “Where’s Jeannie tonight?” And I said, “On a date!” It came naturally, but I was also very aware of how unique this simple statement was at the time. It was the beginning of a long list of, “I never thought I’d say THAT!!!”

The first “bombshell” statement like this came in the form of an early blog post titled:

Found My Wife in Bed with Another Man…

And that story continued:

…so I got undressed and joined them! (Not how you usually expect that sentence to end, right?)

Since that encounter, there have been so many other things we’ve uttered that fall into the category “never thought I’d say that!” Another example:

Took my wife and girlfriend to the Sex Expo and then the three of us met up with my wife’s Dom for lunch.

There are also the more practical statements like,

Sometimes we play with our partners separately, sometimes we play together and share.

Another terrific dialogue has been around some volunteering I do as a “consent monitor” at sexy parties. As a volunteer, I get a +1 for the party and recently I asked if there was a discount code cause I was a +2. The coordinator asked:

You are a +2 as in poly? Or you have a friend that wants to go, too?

When I said poly, they gave me a +2 “in support of the lifestyle!”

Then there are some practical things like describing complex relationships:

We’re not a triad or thruple, more of a V

Or when Jeannie hosts at our apartment and I get “sexiled” for the evening. I chuckle at this one cause it sounds bad, but the term makes sense and I truly don’t mind getting out on my own now and then.

Oh, and I almost forgot my favorite statement from Justina:

No, not punishments, FUNISHMENTS! 🤣

That’s all for today. Just wanted to share some of the lighter side of the Summer of Sexiness!