Love, Lust and Connection in the Time of Coronavirus

So the world has been closed until further notice. These are unprecedented times and we have no way of knowing when (if?) the world will return to its regularly scheduled programming. Until then, we must find new ways of doing, behaving and communicating. Thankfully, we have the benefit of technology to assist with some of this, although I am finding that a return to low/no tech is also a welcome change.

On the technological side, earlier in the week, I was able to have an in-depth video chat with Justina to discuss our mutual concerns and otherwise share our feelings with one another. While we obviously approach our relationships with Viktor differently, we both have his best interests at heart and the more she and I can come together and talk, the easier it is/will be.

We also obviously have different perspectives and opinions on dating and poly life, so it was helpful to be able to explain to her why I am feeling the way I have been feeling. I think it was a beneficial experience for both of us and while I do still have wobbly moments, I am feeling better about things, taking it one day at a time and trying not to worry about what things might look like with her in our lives 6 months, a year or five years from now.

The crisis, has, of course, pushed some people together and pulled others apart, as we self-isolate and social distance. I am exceedingly grateful that Viktor and I are weathering this storm together from the comfort of our shared home, along with our pup. Prior to the cocooning, we had already been taking the time to really talk through our feelings and concerns in a calm and measured manner (in direct opposition to some of our more recent heated altercations). Last weekend included a 3+ hour discussion that covered every topic at least once and ensured that we were in full agreement on how we viewed our marriage and how we wanted to move forward on this poly journey. As a result, we are feeling very close and connected to one another and love is flowing easily between us once again.

Amidst these conversations, we have been trying (mostly in vain) to identify concrete definitions of love in its various guises. In an overly simplified definition, I noted that, for me, loving a friend is taking care of their cat while they are away even though I don’t like cats whereas loving someone romantically means that I want to spend every waking moment with them.

Admittedly, I didn’t mean it quite literally, but the universe has a great sense of humor! We know that there will be challenges to separate our mundane day-to-day life in close quarters from more sacred connection to one another. We will have to be imaginative with date nights given our limited activities and resources, but I have no doubt that we are up to the challenge. Interestingly, we were pleasantly surprised by our attendance at a virtual orgy this weekend, proving that technology can offer some creative solutions to creating quasi-physical connection.

Conversely, we are separated from our other partners. I know that it has been hard for Viktor to not see Justina in person. They do text frequently and have had/will continue to have video chats in the interim. I had suggested a virtual museum date, but that didn’t seem to have appeal. Oh well, I am trying.

For my part, I am sending encouraging texts and photos to Cooper who has been dealing with a lot right now, just to let him know I am thinking of him and offering my support as best I can from a distance. I am also engaging in really lovely text conversations with his partner, Wendy, further building our connection and friendship as metamours. The four of us had dinner together before everything fell apart and it was wonderful how natural and comfortable it felt for us all to spend time together.

More nascent relationships have taken an interesting turn of events. In particular, has been my new-found courtship with Alex, who I met at a poly mixer in early March and with whom I have had exactly one date. Since that first date, we have been texting back and forth. A lot. We had intense physical chemistry from our initial meeting that carried though to our in-person date and then into our written communication. We enjoy flirting with one another and are also having fun sharing memories, desires and just generally getting to know one another. Plus, we share the love language of Words of Affirmation, further fueling our sexy banter.

This on-going correspondence feels old fashioned in a really sweet way as well as a novel approach to building deep emotional connection in the absence of physical contact. Alex further upped the stakes, sending me an exceedingly romantic love letter. Swoon! I really love the bond we are creating with one another through this mutual exchange. Moreover, we recently had an hour-long phone call, which I think is the first phone call I have had since I started dating. It was luxurious to hear his voice, share our thoughts on BDSM and other sexual matters and simply revel in having each other’s undivided, synchronous attention. While we are both anxious to see each other, we know that our eventual in-person meet up will be all the better for having had this time to connect emotionally and personally.

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While happily married to my soulmate for 20+ years, after years of body shame and sexual shutdown, I am ready to step into my sexual power as we open up our relationship and explore the possibilities.

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