It’s hard to believe that only a week has passed since my full-on melt down and yet I am in such a better place in such a short period of time. I have been feeling much more grounded, happier and calmer. I still have moments of doubt, but I feel stronger and more easily able to push these adverse thoughts away. I am also feeling more connected to Viktor as a result of this tumultuous period – it’s not my preferred way to increase intimacy, but I will gladly take the positive outcome to what was otherwise a very negative experience.
As I look to further bolster my mental and emotional health, over the past week, I have been actively researching various healing modalities as I look for external guidance on this journey. As much as Viktor and I continue to talk and keep our lines of communication open, it feels like time to reach out for help. I am hopeful that such outside exploration will permit me to become clearer on what I truly desire for myself and for our marriage, as well as permit me to release hurt and pain more effectively.
In addition, I have been building (repairing?) bridges with my metamours (my partners’ partners). While Justina has been present in my life for six months, I have only recently met Wendy. Wendy and I seem to share a lot of the same experiences, which has allowed us to forge an initial bond. I welcome her friendship at whatever level she desires, at her pace and within her boundaries. In the meantime, it has been nice to spend time with her, Cooper (her primary partner) and Viktor; the four of us get along very well.
In this regard, I haven’t mentioned Cooper much here, but not because he isn’t worthy of mention (he absolutely is!). Rather, it’s because I am trying to simply relax and enjoy whatever it is that is enfolding for us, without pressure, labels or expectations. Easier said than done!, but I am trying. Moreover, I am admittedly gun-shy as a result of various men behaving very badly (one of these days I will get around to writing that blog post), so I am afraid to fully trust it.
However, on our most recent date, I felt comfortable enough to share my messy and vulnerable truth with Cooper and he was open to receive it as well as to offer reassurance and advice (he has a lot more experience with polyamory than I do). It was helpful to be so open with him, without fear of judgment or abandonment. I am learning to take things day by day (or perhaps date by date) and not worry about what will or won’t happen. I just know that I really enjoy spending time with him and look forward to getting to know him better with time.