Polyamory and Sadness in Isolation

I was listening to Dan Savage and Tristan Taormino talk about the short term impact of COVID on poly relationships and it was super fucking depressing because they were really emphasizing the point that “poly is on hold” and may be for quite a long time. This was just a too sobering reminder of our reality right now. Not being poly right now isn’t so terrible, it’s all the things we can’t do or be piled onto one other – and this is just another nail in the coffin.

Of all the things I’ve been missing in isolation, it’s Justina that I miss the most. This makes perfect sense – aside from Jeannie (who I’m isolated with right now) Justina is the next most important person to me right now. But there’s more than just rational longing for something I crave at play here and it recently got more complicated for me.

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Polyversary Number 2

With May’s arrival, Viktor and I celebrated our second polyversary with a quiet night at home (of course, it is still a pandemic after all) and a rope scene (our first in months). While it is hard to believe that another full year has passed, I’m not going to lie – this was a tough year.

Last May found me in high spirits ticking off a long list of amazing accomplishments from our first year in an open marriage. I was thrilled with how much our marriage had been strengthened and with how far I had traversed in my sexual awakening, overcoming so much sexual shutdown and shame. Viktor and I were in a fabulous place and we were poised for another great year.

Well, it wasn’t the year that either of us anticipated, that’s for certain. And, although I don’t relish the pain and suffering that I (and we) endured, I am not sure that I would change anything.

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Yoga, BDSM, Mindfulness, and Flow (Oh, My!)

I recently tuned in to a conversation on kink and trauma with Somatic Witch. Kink and mental health is a fascinating topic; and a rabbit hole that I’ve begun to curiously, and cautiously, venture into. When Jeannie and I first took a D/s workshop with Om Rupani he discussed this early in the day. He said that BDSM, done correctly, can help participants work through past trauma – but also cautioned at the dangers within if done incorrectly. We took that workshop many years ago and hadn’t ever thought about this before, but it certainly made sense. Since that time we’ve both experienced this firsthand.

Much is said about subspace which is the altered mental state that a submissive or bottom can enter during a BDSM scene. In the conversation with Somatic Witch she said that one of the reasons a sub can heal previous trauma is because subspace is a space of mindfulness. I was initially a bit confused because I’ve tried to get Jeannie into subspace as a way for her to “get out of her head.” Yet mindfulness, to me, seems like being very much in your mind, or in your head. Yet the more I dug into this, the more sense it made despite the appearance of contradiction.

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What Is Love? What About IN Love?

About six months ago there was a pretty seismic shift in the open/poly lifestyle that Jeannie and I were exploring. This shift focused around what it means to be IN LOVE with someone else. Nuances and semantics around the phrase “in love” became the story of the day. It was often distracting from the true topic(s) at hand, yet we did work through it and we’re truly in a better place about our various relationships these days.

Regardless of being in a better place, Jeannie and I continued struggling over the (VERY) minor issue of terms and definitions. We still didn’t have a common language to explain what “in love” meant to each of us. Then Jeannie can upon this article: “Love Vs. In Love: Which Is Better?“. While we take issue with the title (one is not inherently better) this was the first time there was science highlighted to explain the difference. This brought us to an interesting conclusion.

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Love, Lust and Potential Loss in the Time of Coronavirus

So here we are going into week six of social distancing. Like everyone else, we have had our share of good days and bad days, neutral days and a few “I am so fucking over this” days. Through it all, we have continued to nurture various relationships, including our own. And, while in some cases this is easier done than in others, we are committed to building connections in their various forms and functions.

Along these lines, my relationship with Alex continues to blossom. We text each other multiple times a day, often sexy texts, sometimes silly ones and always communication that bring us closer together. It has been amazing to see how we are building a deep emotional connection, while sustaining the intense chemistry we first felt at our initial meeting – all through technology. We have weekly video chats that include physical intimacy that, while virtual, is also very real and authentic. I have struggled with trying to name, define or quantify our relationship, but have given up, realizing that labels do not matter; what we know that we feel for each other does.

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Love Languages in Isolation

I only just posted yesterday about having a difficult week and feeling so lonely even though I’m not at all alone. In that post I noted how difficult it has been to be away from Justina even though Jeannie and I are truly thriving together. These two opposing feelings are clearly not mutually exclusive, yet it has been difficult for me to reconcile this. Then along comes a post on Poly.Land, just hours after my thoughts, that explains this all quite well. It’s like Page was listening to me – or reading my blog, too!

It boils down to a couple of key points:

  1. Nonconsensual Long Distance Relationships
  2. Love Languages

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The Pain of Isolation

Comments from Week Five of isolation due to COVID…

Not gonna lie, it’s been a rough week. I may not be totally “isolated” in that I’m with Jeannie, yet this “new normal” is still getting old, fast. Before I proceed, I want to fully recognize that I have it better than most; if I had to guess, I’m somewhere in the top 10% of “we’re OK.” We’re healthy and safe, have each other, a comfortable apartment, and access and means to get through this safely.

Yet no matter what your personal situation right now, this is not normal, and we shouldn’t even begin to think that we’re all OK. We’re not OK. We might be getting through this, but the world is hurting right now. And each of us is hurting in different ways.

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Sapiosexuals and Sexuality

Today I’m writing about the sapiosexual and their sexuality. I’m not going to include references because, to be honest, the definition is somewhat fluid, the science is new, and the term itself can be loaded with negative connotation. Instead I’m going to discuss it with a working definition and real world understanding from one point of view: my own.

Terminology

“Sapiosexual” is a relatively new term that refers to those whose sexual attraction is rooted in their partner’s intellect. It can be said that the sapiosexual is only attracted to intelligent partners, but that might be taking the definition a bit too far because it isn’t about raw intelligence (i.e. IQ) but about how one may behave as an intellect. In other words, the intellectual attraction could be just as much based on the person’s knowledge of science as their knowledge of pop music. Separating intellect and intelligence is important.

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The More the Merrier — My Myriad of Metamours

Traditionally, at weddings, one of the bride’s parents might be heard to quip, “I am not losing a daughter, I am gaining a son.”* In polyamory, the corollary might be, “I am not losing a partner, I am gaining a metamour.” In fact, depending on one’s current situation, they might be gaining metamours (plural).

For those unfamiliar with this term, your metamour is your partner’s partner. At the moment, I have three metamours – two with whom I have close connections and one whom I haven’t met yet. The two most prominent metamours in my orbit are Justina and Wendy. It has been interesting to see how these relationships have developed with time and how they have been helpful for me as I navigate the polyverse. [NB: If you are just joining us, Justina is Viktor’s girlfriend and Wendy is Cooper’s primary and nesting partner.]

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Isolation Activities for Kinksters

This post will NOT be entirely about kink, but will include kink. This post WILL, however, likely resonate with all kinksters as there are common threads in how we all behave.

For several days now I’ve been trying to write a post called “Love and Lust in Isolation” to recap all my (virtual) sexy connections since “stay at home” began. I keep stalling on that post and I’m not sure why. But when a kinkster friend asked me to recap my group activities, I had little trouble emailing them a small novella! So I guess I’ll start with this more general post and go back to my one-on-one stories later. In the meantime, know that there are two new partners that will come to a blog post near you very soon: Rita and Anne – both virtual. Well, they are real people, but the play has been virtual!

Now, for my sex positive friends out there, here’s my “recommended reading list for isolation” – but replace reading with activity and we’re all set!

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