Rough Side of the Mountain

Polyamory isn’t easy. It is challenging. It’s complicated and conflicted. It’s messy. And that makes it hard.

But it’s also fun. It creates new opportunities. And it can be very enlightening.

Jeannie and I didn’t actually choose polyamory, it chose us. When we embarked on this journey we agreed to open our marriage, but we didn’t entirely know what that meant. It’s often accepted that open means multiple partners without emotional connection where poly includes the emotional connection. (I’m simplifying here, but work with me.) Along the open journey, we fell into poly. Despite a few snafus, we embraced it. Then we questioned it. And now we’re here. On the rough side of the mountain.

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The Calm After the Storm

This has been an incredibly difficult two weeks as I struggle to make sense of where we are on this journey and how I am feeling about it. Mercury in Retrograde, my impending burlesque performance and continued Seasonal Affective Disorder have all conspired to make me even more emotional than usual. Consequently, I have been a rollercoaster of emotions yet again, driving Viktor (and likely others) understandably nuts, but throughout we have remained connected in our communication, no matter how painful or difficult.

A lot of things have come up for me recently and I have been doing a lot of journaling and writing, including penning a few blog posts that I am hesitant to publish. It’s scary to be so vulnerable and real when you know that your words impact others in your orbit.

I have also done a ton of Googling (and subsequent reading) on various poly topics in an attempt to better understand what this all means for Viktor and me. We didn’t exactly plan for all of this to happen – it just sort of did – and now we are dealing with the consequences, not all of which are bad, but all are new.

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He Said: House of Love Valentine’s Edition

Jeannie already covered this event from her point of view. Her story is spot on, but it can be fun to see it from another set of eyes. And I did have a few different experiences from her this time, so here we go.

It was a pretty amazing quickie!

Let me start from the end… Jeannie told the story of the after party sex that had to be rushed and called it a “pretty amazing quickie!” Nah, it was the best quickie ever! It was amazing sex in its own right – the fact that it was fast just made it that much more intense.

So there’s that – and it tells you alot about how positively charged the night was! Now for the rest of the story…

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House of Love: Valentine’s Day edition – Some Like it (Red) Haute!

In my last post, I mused, “Can I reclaim the fun [of this journey]?” Fortunately, the answer is a resounding Yes!

It had been a difficult and emotional week. In addition to feeling lonely and much less loved, I also had a heated discussion with Viktor on Thursday night. Of course, feeling less connected to one’s partner is never good, but it felt especially vulnerable in the run up to Valentine’s Day. Thankfully, by the conclusion of our intense conversation, I was more at ease with the situation and ready for the holiday.

This year for Valentine’s Day, we had decided to go to the House of Love party at House of Yes with Gigi. Given the event’s coincidence with the holiday, the theme was Red Haute. Despite planning my costume for weeks, the morning of Valentine’s Day, I was less excited about this year’s plans because last year had been so amazing (See this post and this one). Plus, my last venture to House of Love had not been a great success, so I had some trepidation about what the night would bring. Time would tell…

In spite of a less than enthusiastic outlook, I headed into my Friday with an upbeat attitude, which was rewarded in spades. My usual Friday S Factor class was great and I had an awesome dance, unlocking new emotions and finding new movement.

Continue reading House of Love: Valentine’s Day edition – Some Like it (Red) Haute!

Poly-Anna has left the building

When this journey first started, it was all roses and unicorns, but as noted, lately, there have been many ups and downs, so my outlook has become decidedly less rosy. Instead, things have become more challenging as we maneuver the complexities of being in a polyamorous relationship.

Our initial foray focused on a simple opening up of the marriage – with ethical non-monogamy, but no emotional attachments. Then, Jon mentioned the idea of falling in love, which prompted a series of conversations with Viktor and sparked my desire to find a boyfriend. I observed that the situation seemed to work well for Matt and Gary, who each had a wife and girlfriend.

I also thought such an arrangement would eliminate the never-ending flux of situationships, which left me feeling, at best, like a revolving door, and, more often, abandoned for a myriad of unknown reasons as many (not all) men behaved very badly.

Continue reading Poly-Anna has left the building

When Ropes Go (Hysterically) Wrong

When I unfurled the first rope to begin our scene and the tails knocked over a glass of wine, I should have taken it as a sign that this wasn’t going to be my night.

My friend Layla was interested in being tied. Unlike previous partners, her interest was mostly in the aesthetic of tying and the beauty of the rope. Her unique perspective drove my desire to get her to an event. Since I’m more into the sensual nature of tying and also the aesthetics, I thought this would be a perfect fit. Turned out to be more like to stubborn Taurus’s butting heads.

I took her to a BDSM party and it was a lot of fun, but the night went way differently than I hoped. For example, I didn’t really consider what she does for a living and how this might impact her in a rope scene. She works in theater production and, among other things, is often rigging people or things for the stage. So she was bringing a level of technical knowledge into the scene that I’d never experienced before. And she kept asking about what I was doing with the rope.

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The Other Woman

Justina has come up on the blog numerous times. I joke that she’s “The Other Woman” and for want of a better term, I’ve referred to her as my girlfriend; and while this makes sense, like most things in polyamory, it’s more complicated than that. Even on FetLife, where there are dozens of relationship options, none of them seem quite right as a label. Ignoring labels is fine, but sometimes in conversation, we just want a simple way to refer to things. While calling Justina my girlfriend doesn’t seem perfect, it easily conveys a simple summary of our relationship to others.

What’s been fun (and challenging) has been figuring out how Jeannie and I want to integrate steady partners into our life and lifestyle. Last night was an exquisite example of when it’s gone right. Jeannie and I had decided to go to a particular BDSM party. When Justina and I were comparing calendars, we ended up on a tangent talking about these events and why we do or don’t like them. By the time we’d talked the topic to death, Justina was very interested in this event. I cleared this with Jeannie and we made plans to all go together.

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