Sexual Negotiation

In the world of BDSM, partners must have very open communication and engage in a dialogue before any activities. This is clear to those that participate properly because many scenes center around things like power and control, or bondage and restraints. Once in a “scene” the Dom is controlling the sub; but only within pre-determined boundaries. Therefore, it is often said that the sub is truly the one in control! And how do these partners determined the scene and its boundaries? Negotiation!

I open with this description because I’m learning that sexual negotiation is not a common thing outside BDSM – and it should be. Allow me to elaborate.

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Falling In Love. All Over Again.

Polyamory isn’t always about wild orgies and sex parties. Maybe for some it is, but that’s not us. And that’s precisely why we started this blog, to present a different viewpoint that includes the highs and the lows of this exploration. Simply put, polyamory is complicated and rarely easy, and those in the lifestyle need to constantly balance the pros and cons; constantly evaluate if the pleasure is worth the pain.

This past week was one of those moments where it seemed to Jeannie and me that our poly journey might need to end. We were seriously wondering if the pleasure outweighed the pain as we hit a true low point on this journey. Jeannie spiraled quickly to a very dark place this week, but I’m happy to report that we’re coming out the other side successfully.

And we’re falling in love all over again!

Continue reading Falling In Love. All Over Again.

The Pain of Pleasure

As noted previously, the act of compersion is deriving pleasure from the pleasure that your partner receives from others. However, over the past several weeks, I haven’t been able to move beyond my own pain to focus on Viktor’s pleasure. Instead, I am feeling quite miserable and had been suicidal for a short time.

In truth, this month has been incredibly difficult for me. I thought I was finally in a really good place about Justina and Viktor, but then Viktor took Avalon to a BDSM party and now they are play partners.

Compared to a girlfriend, this should be easy for me. Yet it is still so hard. First off, when I got home after their play date, there was some confusion between Viktor and me because I thought I was going to have dinner with them, but due to various reasons, it didn’t work out and I felt left out. Also, they were in the den eating and watching TV, which is not a welcoming setting compared to if they had been sitting at the dining table.

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Meeting New Play Partners

Having pretty much given up on dating apps, I’m always looking for more ways to meet potential partners IRL. I’ve met a few through my dance community, but I also have concerns about “messing things up” within that community, so I’m proceeding with caution. And regular (non-poly) events pose other thorny issues, not the least of which: “why is this dude with a wedding ring hitting on me?” 😳

Enter “Poly Cocktails” and other poly mixers. Here in NYC there’s a standing monthly Poly Cocktails event that’s free to attend and draws a respectable and respectful crowd from the poly community. There are also “munches” and other vanilla events for the community to mix and mingle with like minded folks, without the pressure of a play party. Jeannie and I have been to a few and we’ve met great folks, but really never actually met a new play partner.

That all changed recently.

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Intersection of Kink and Sex

I’ve shared a lot of thoughts lately about kink and intimacy and energy without sex. So what about the intersection of kink and sex? When is this appropriate and what are the guidelines?

It’s a tricky topic. I remember telling a friend who is pretty vanilla but curious how kink scenes are distinct activities. She said, “so, wait, there’s no sex?” And I remember struggling to answer this. For me, most kink scenes are separate from sexual encounters, even if sex may follow a scene. This is very partner dependent, but for me, a kink scene requires aftercare before there is sex. And so far this was almost always the case for me – negotiation, scene, aftercare, possibility of sex.

What happens when they get mixed? Continue reading Intersection of Kink and Sex

When a Kiss is Just a Kiss

For 20+ years of monogamy, Jeannie was the only person that I kissed intimately. Right now, that’s kind of hard to imagine. See, I love kissing. For me, kissing is a simple, yet intimate act. It doesn’t require a lot of thought, or preparation, or protection. It’s fun and frisky and brings two people close together. And, don’t get me wrong – I love kissing Jeannie! And I could go back to just kissing her, no problem. Yet I do really enjoy kissing new partners and I’d rather not give that up.

What I’ve learned in the last year and a half of engaging with different partners is all but simple. Simply put, kissing is, well, complicated! If there is one given about kissing new partners it’s that there are no givens. I’ve learned that a kiss means so many different things to so many different people. And my not knowing that earlier really tripped me up a few times. It’s gotten better, but I’m still learning.

Here are my observations. (Warning – generalizations below based simply on my own experience. There no intention to stereotype here.)

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A Question of Balance

I’ve had a lot of rewarding experiences lately; to recap just a few weeks:

And most recently, I took Avalon, another first timer, to a BDSM party and had an absolutely amazing experience. I tied her, teased her with some tactile toys, and flogged her. She reached a decent sub space and we spoke several times over the next few days as she rode a euphoria that she’d never felt before. Now four days out, she’s back to “normal life” with a new grounding in herself that is helping her cope with some depression. It’s such a beautiful thing!

While most of these experiences have been non-sexual, Jeannie and I are having the best sex of our lives together!

Continue reading A Question of Balance