There was a point awhile back when I was worried that Jeannie was getting caught up in our new lifestyle in unhealthy ways. She had several active play partners, she was texting endlessly, and would be on dating apps until the wee hours looking for more. I shared my observation, but in the spirit of our openness, I made no attempts to change her behavior. That’s up to her, not me.
Jeannie readily admitted that she was getting very caught up in all the attention. After all, one of her top turns-ons is being the center of attention! And even though it felt like she had no time left for me, she did! It took some time to find the right balance, but suddenly she’d be getting turned on by a goodnight text and would turn to me in such a state of arousal, leading to some very hot sex.
How could I complain?!?
Fast forward the better part of a year… Jeannie’s activities have settled in a bit as she remains active with a handful of partners, but spends much less time seeking new ones. And while I haven’t had the level of activity that she has, I’ve got a girlfriend now, and that energy is deliciously intense right now!
All of this leads up to the matter at hand – embracing and balancing energy new and old.
I’m smitten with Justina. And similarly to when Jeannie was on apps and text all night while laying in bed next to me, I’m pondering if I’m too focused on this new energy. And if I hadn’t already lived through what I described above, I might find this challenging. But, instead, I find Jeannie asking me what I’m feeling and joking, “now you know how I was feeling!”
She’s right. The whole premise of opening our relationship was that we have so much more capacity to love and share than just with each other. That love and energy for another refuels our own love and energy, too. And often while I’m sharing sexy texts with Justina, we both know that it’s going to be days (or weeks!) before we see each other. So where does that desire for contact go in the meantime? It goes to Jeannie!
JUSTINA IS THE BEST!
The part I struggle with a little is the balance. Jeannie and I share everything: every story, every detail, every reason we moan and scream with another partner. We truly love sharing, and we get excited when we can share. But is there a point when we’re oversharing? Not the details, but the focus of our energy? There are times when I feel like I’m sending the message to Jeannie that JUSTINA IS THE BEST! And, well, she is… the best girlfriend for me while Jeannie continues to be the best wife and goddess.
Can these energies truly exist in balance? Can I reconcile the powerful and freshly focused Justina energy with the longstanding bond that I have with Jeannie?
No doubt at all. Simply put, these energies for me are like Yin and Yang. They aren’t polar opposites, but each sends the other into motion. As the Yin and Yang begin to spin, the transfer of energy between them perpetuates and even enhances the spinning motion. Like a turbine, the spinning continually fuels me.
Are these balances in perfect harmony? Harmony – YES. Perfect – NO.
The Buddhist is on an endless journey to achieve Nirvana and this Nirvana is a singular perfection. However, the Buddhist also appreciates the journey for what it is and recognizes that they may never reach Nirvana. As long as they continue on that journey, and slowly get closer to Nirvana, the Buddhist has lived a full and proper life. Achieving Nirvana is not nearly as important as approaching it.
This is precisely how I feel about the imperfect harmony of new and old energies. Now that I have both, I’m sure I never want to exist with just one. And as so many maturing married couples say, “you gotta mix things up to keep it interesting!” Well, we’ve certainly mixed it up and we’ve got lots of variety and lots of new experiences to power us.
I so clearly yearn for both – the new and the old. Each has so much to offer to the other. My deep rooted love for Jeannie and our years of combined experiences have shaped who I am today. I give Justina things that she craves not because I’m lacking these things with Jeannie, but because of my time with Jeannie. Without that, I couldn’t excite Justina the way I do now. I wouldn’t have the experience to read Justina and know what to provide. And without Justina, I wouldn’t have new experiences and ideas to share with Jeannie. Nor would I have these new (and amazing) experiences for myself.
I don’t think a Buddhist would believe in something like Nirvana-lite, little Nirvana-like experiences along the larger path. But I kind of feel that finding a source of new and old, and seeing them power each other, this feels like a small Nirvana on the journey to the Nirvana. I, for one, will consider this a Nirvana-lite!