Compersion and Jealousy: Not Mutually Exclusive

Jeannie has been busy lately. Very busy! And while I’ve been a part of all of it, some physically, all emotionally, I have not been as personally active as she has. This past month has put a fine point on a few of the notable differences in how Jeannie and I are experiencing our sexual journeys. In this post:

  • Male and Female
  • Attention, Intimacy, Sex
  • Compersion and Jealousy

Male and Female

While we are both pansexual, perhaps we’re better described as heteroflexible because we both gravitate towards heteronormative 1:1 partners. Add a third, or fourth, or more, and things flow more freely. But put us on a dating app, for example, and we’re looking for what most would expect – the opposite sex.

Now I’ll state what any heteronormative dating single already knows:

  • Women can pick from a broad pool of interested men (which is most, because men are generally pigs)
  • Men can only be selected by a selective pool of women that are attracted to them

Because I’m watching Jeannie make so many matches so quickly, and seeing her ability to whittle them down to the handful of quality matches, I think women are in the better position. However, they also get inundated with dumbass comments from dumbass men, and unsolicited dick pics from said dumbasses. (Dudes, seriously?) So I guess one isn’t better than the other. Yet I’ve spent way more time on the apps and have had zero quality matches while Jeannie spent about a week of active time (after a month with an inactive profile gathering “likes”) and she’s now weeks into two high quality boyfriends. Plus a few chats that could still lead to something.

Attention, Intimacy, Sex

If you’d asked me in the beginning what would be most important in new partners each for Jeannie and me, I’d have said:

  • Jeannie = Attention
  • Viktor = Sex

I would have been very wrong. Well, maybe not so wrong, because Jeannie does need attention. Without that, there will be no intimacy and definitely no sex. But now that her erotic creature has been awoken and aroused, sex has become something fantastic and important to her. Again, she’d never get there without attention and then intimacy. But she craves the release that she wasn’t getting regularly for so long. So, indirectly, I think sex is actually most important to her right now. (I know she’ll argue this and I welcome that debate. More SEXY Research!!!)

Me? There’s no doubt I want sex, but it isn’t the most important. I’ve become an attention whore. I don’t truly have any girlfriends right now to compare to Jeannie’s boyfriends, but there are a few women in my orbit that are giving me incredibly powerful attention. At least one of them I could see being physical with and having little to no intimacy – and I hope that happens! In my past, I couldn’t really separate sex and intimacy, so I’d like to explore that at some point and see how I feel now.

Meanwhile, the only person I truly desire to have sex with is Jeannie! ❤

Compersion and Jealousy

All of this culminates in a new observation for myself. I wrote about compersion before and it is most often summarized as the opposite of jealousy. Now that I’m further down the rabbit hole, I disagree with that simplistic summary. They are not mutually exclusive. Why? Because today I feel no less joy for Jeannie’s exploits (perhaps more!) than when we started all of this. Yet there is some jealousy that didn’t exist in the beginning. And, let me be very clear here, this is not the painful, negative, eating away at me jealousy. This is something very different, and sometimes even exciting.

For example, I’m jealous that Jeannie has been dating with such ease when I am not. Between she and I, that jealousy manifests in my desire to take her, thrown her on the bed, tear her clothes off, and fuck her with wild abandon. So, um, this is not a bad thing!

Further, where Jeannie has had time to date (even “day date”) I’ve had little or no free time for this. And this is of my own accord. Yet I’m still a little jealous.

Why is this Important?

This whole post is because the little bit of jealousy that I’m feeling is an entirely new feeling. And like the rest of this blog and the rest of this journey, I don’t really know for sure where it will take me. I’m embracing it, I’m giving it the attention it deserves, and I’m learning what it really is and what to do with it over time.

Here’s hoping it keeps driving such incredibly powerful desire towards my wife! And not the 20% in the image at the top of this post. Although, I must admit, there are a few times I’m alone on the couch, or with our dog, after a trying day, and I kinda like the solitude. And knowing that Jeannie is out with a truly caring partner getting what she needs. And deserves. That’s very fulfilling.

But it’s mostly the first part – more desire for Jeannie, everyday!!!

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My wife is the love of my life and my absolute soulmate. So why are we exploring polyamory and other sexual experiences that are often considered socially unacceptable? Read on to find out! Spoiler Alert: These things are AWESOME and have strengthened our marriage in ways you might not expect. Or believe.

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