Over the past two months, I have been busy meeting people and dating. There has been a lot of movement and, consequently, numerous learning experiences, but I also wanted to take a moment to reflect on some of the things that have come up for me during this period of time.
First, I want to address Viktor’s recent post to the topic of compersion, in which he questioned his jealousy with respect to my flurry of dating activity. I am convinced that he truly is experiencing compersion and that his jealousy is related, not to my being with another person, but rather, with what I have. In the same way that one might be jealous of someone having a fabulous car, a great vacation or even a cupcake. I can be jealous that you have a cupcake (because cupcakes are delicious, duh 😉) and not be at all jealous that you are sharing the cupcake with so and so or such and such. Accordingly, I want Viktor to have the same dating opportunities that I’ve had so that he can have his own cupcakes. But, as has been discussed, this is much more challenging for men than it seems to be for women in this lifestyle.
On a related note, I have wondered if compersion applies if you are not in love with the person. Do I refrain from sharing information about other men with my dates? Should it matter? They already know that they are sharing me with Viktor, do they care and/or does it make a difference to share me with others? Of course, I know that they have other people in their lives. I haven’t asked much about partners beyond wives because I like the illusion of being more important than I actually am. 😊 But, of course, I am open to having these conversations should the person wish to share.
At this point, I have decided that I prefer to be more open than not and have actually revealed the existence of this blog to Jon, Jay and Ryan, so they have the choice to know or not to know about others in my life. One of them asked if I censor myself now knowing that these posts are being read by those I am writing about. The answer is no. I am sure that I am influenced by this fact, less unwatched observer than I was at first, but I am focused on the truth — my truth — and not on the subjects, so I don’t feel compelled to alter what I say.
Additionally, whether they read the blog or not, I have shared some of my experiences on this journey with each of them because I think that it is important for them to know where I am coming from and where I hope to go.
So, where do I hope to go? Now that it’s been several months since I met Jon, Jay and Ryan (among others), I am starting to wonder about what to expect as things move forward. These relationships have preceded so differently than my initial foray into dating. Whereas I saw Hank a handful of times over a 3-month period last summer, I have now seen John and Jay five times each in as many weeks (and saw Ryan three times in a week and a half). Things are moving more quickly, more intensely, but it feels more real and authentic as our time has given us the opportunity to get to know one another, not just simply have sex. I really like the idea of growing these relationships further — building upon our initial intimacy, understanding each other’s bodies and exploring kinks, desires and turn-ons.
And, likely because I am a planner with regard to all things, I wonder at which point do these relationships become established. Is there an unwritten compact to simply keep meeting up until you decide not to?
But I do think about the consequences of such attachments. No, I don’t love these men nor am I in love with them, but at first, I had no attachment to the outcome of our dates. Now, I feel a connection and enjoy having each of them specifically in my life. And, while I don’t censor myself on these pages, I feel that I am more apt to second guess myself with my text messages than with my autobiographical accounts and reflections. How much to say and reveal about what I am thinking and feeling? I opt for truth.
Further, is there a danger in getting too close; caring too much? If so, where is that line? I don’t know. These entanglements are so different from the types of relationships I had when I was dating before marriage because, of course, the “end game” is so different. In general, I think there is a tendency (at least for me) to overthink or over analyze. I know that I need to simply enjoy the ride and take each date for what it brings and not worry about tomorrow or next week.
I suppose this is where the swinger lifestyle is “cleaner” than the poly lifestyle in that those encounters are more usually one-offs, not cumulative dating experiences. And yet, I want to get to know these partners better, to explore and be truly seen, not to rotate through a string of strangers.
Regardless, my constant is and always will be Viktor. I admit that I’ve gotten caught up in the excitement of all of these men. It feels good to be wanted. But, if I allow myself to get too distracted by having new guys, I run the risk of not paying sufficient and meaningful attention to Viktor; that is not what I want. I do crave the ardor and attention of these other men; the attention feeds me as I’ve noted before. It fuels my turn on and desire. I could exist without it and them but, for now, I don’t want to.
Overall, it feels good to learn about myself in this way and to find myself on this long overdue journey. I am really excited with the way that things have been unfolding and look forward to seeing what comes next, whether with Jon, Jay and Ryan or with others. Most importantly, I have stepped out of my comfort zone and stepped into my sexuality – truly owning it unapologetically and that, is everything!