Keys to Kink: Research & Communication

Yeah, I know how this sounds… research and communication hardly sound like hot and sexy words or activities. And kink should be hot and sexy, right? Yep, for sure! And I’ll show you that research and communication are not only the keys to kink, they are hot and sexy as well. (At least in this context and maybe not so much to a student in the library at all hours. Unless their kink is a sexy librarian!)


Starting with research, pick a kink and type it into your favorite search engine. (Put your browser in Incognito or Private mode if you are worries about this search being remembered.) I put in “Shibari” and all of the top links contain a combination of useful information, sexy imagery and/or hot and kinky videos. I challenge you to go online, or, GASP<!>, open a book to learn about a kink and NOT get turned on in the process. Even the most fundamental HOW TO guides have no choice but to venture into the erotic realm. Using my Shibari example, the fourth paragraph on the top search result reads as follows:

Shibari style rigging creates geometric patterns and shapes with rope that contrast beautifully with the human body’s natural curves. The ropes and their texture provide contrast to smooth skin and curves. In Shibari, the model is the canvas, the rope is the paint and brush, and the rigger is the rope artist.

I’ll grant you that this isn’t going to give me an instant erection, but you cannot argue that this is erotic. (Well, you CAN argue that point, especially if this isn’t a kink you’d enjoy. In that case, try my challenge with a kink you would enjoy.)

To explore any new kink, you must do research – by the very nature of being anything but mainstream, we don’t have innate understanding of said kink. Further, many kinks have inherent risks, so it’s critical to learn at least the basics of safety and also protocol. In the BDSM community there is a popular phrase:

Safe, Sane, Consensual

This is a good reminder of what’s needed to act on most kinks.

Getting back to my point, as I’ve studied (researched) Shibari, I’ve read very factual instructions that contain lines like,

…pull the rope gentle over your subject’s nipples as you…

How is this NOT SEXY?!? I’ve been reading, watching videos, practicing with ropes on myself, and attending rope shares to practice with others. Every one of these activities has been research – and every one has excited me, some more than others.


You’ve done your research, learned the ropes (pun intended), gotten yourself excited, and probably masturbated more than few times along the way to release some of that excitement. Great! You’ve got the “research is hot!” part down. Continuing the Shibari example, you are now ready for rope play with your partner. What’s next? TALK!

For every kink activity, communication is crucial. You and your partner need to review your expectations, any hard limits, and a safe word or other way to end a scene if there’s discomfort. If there’s going to be pressure or impact, you’ll discuss sensitivities or injuries as well. And there are plenty of other items to discuss, too. This part, again, sounds academic, but if I were to set a scene with Jeannie I will include setups as follows:

I’m going to touch your nipples. I’m going to pinch your nipples. I’m going to bite your nipples.

Would you prefer a blindfold or to see my hand coming at you before you get spanked?

I’m going to get you super excited and wet. Would you prefer that I lap up your wetness or let it drip down your thighs slowly?

If you don’t see how this is sexy, please check your pulse – you might be dead.

Back to Basics

Now that you understand how research and communication can be hot and sexy, let’s go back to basics. Before the research and communication I’ve used as examples above, there is the research and communication between partners to cover what you each desire and various activities you may or may not want to explore. Consider things like Miss Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprint as a conversation starter. Not only will the quiz itself spark all sorts of sexy conversation (like, “I didn’t know you were into that!”) but Jaiya includes lots of videos featuring her and her partners, and let’s just say that they are all quite easy on the eyes.

Everything must be grounded in an openness and trust between you and your partner. I would not recommend having this conversation if you are concerned that “I didn’t know you were into that!” might be followed with “Ew, that’s really disgusting! And I can’t believe you’d enjoy that!” Instead, this communication needs to be the way partners learn what they do and don’t want from each other. Just because a partner is into something doesn’t mean the other partner must participate. Some fantasies will remain fantasies. (Imagine if you had no fantasies left?!?) But the ones that are a match between partners, well, find those and then you’ll find the kinks to share and create your mutual fireworks!

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My wife is the love of my life and my absolute soulmate. So why are we exploring polyamory and other sexual experiences that are often considered socially unacceptable? Read on to find out! Spoiler Alert: These things are AWESOME and have strengthened our marriage in ways you might not expect. Or believe.

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