Intersection of Kink and Sex

I’ve shared a lot of thoughts lately about kink and intimacy and energy without sex. So what about the intersection of kink and sex? When is this appropriate and what are the guidelines?

It’s a tricky topic. I remember telling a friend who is pretty vanilla but curious how kink scenes are distinct activities. She said, “so, wait, there’s no sex?” And I remember struggling to answer this. For me, most kink scenes are separate from sexual encounters, even if sex may follow a scene. This is very partner dependent, but for me, a kink scene requires aftercare before there is sex. And so far this was almost always the case for me – negotiation, scene, aftercare, possibility of sex.

What happens when they get mixed?

I mentioned a new partner named Avalon in a recent post. Having had the chance to tie a few friends without anything sexual, I was planning the same with Avalon. She and I know each other from the dance community and had gotten more friendly in the last few weeks. A small group discussion about bondage came up at a dance event and she seemed very interested in the topic. I privately asked her about this interest and it was soon clear that she was very well versed (academically) in BDSM and Shibari, but had no actual experience with any of it. I asked if she’d be interested in coming with me to a BDSM party where I’d tie her and she said yes.

At the party, I was expecting this scene to be much like others I’d done with friends where there’s a lot of intimacy and closeness, but it isn’t inherently sexual. While a fine line, I feel confident about my ability to behave sensually with partners, but not sexually. Perhaps I should write a post just about the difference?!? It’s something that’s hard to define, but I find the sexual side of it to be “obvious when you see it” (or experience it).

“Oh, fuck it!” she said as the clothes came off

We had already done our negotiation before arrival at the event so ropes and floggers and tactile play were the theme of the night. I’d advised Avalon on attire so that she would have layers of options throughout our scene. While I love tying a naked body, I leave that choice to my partners as they must feel totally comfortable and relaxed in the scene. She initially was to be tied in lingerie, but then decided to cast off everything other than her panties. She then turned to be sure her practically naked body was facing the part of the room with the most people.

“Oh, I should mention that I’m definitely an exhibitionist!”

Now looking lovely and mostly naked, and facing an audience, I began to tie. I took my time, as usual, assuring that the ropes were slowly dragged over bare flesh. I was rewarded with many breathy inhales and quite a few moans. However, unlike previous partners, Avalon didn’t drop into an entirely subby space. Yes, she was clearly entering some form of subspace, but she was also actively touching and kissing me at various moments. I wanted to stop her, to exert my control over the scene; but to be honest, it was really enjoyable and playful. I was now fully engaged with my first true brat!

Side note: a brat is a sub that tries to exert some control over the scene. By definition, this is a violation of the D/s dynamic, and can also be referred to as “Domming from the bottom.” However, brats are a specific persona in BDSM and many Doms welcome the challenge of Brat Taming. I wasn’t sure, but I was curious, so I proceeded without punishing her or taking back full control.

Once fully tied, I took a moment to step back and look over my work. Avalon looked so sexy in her ropes, even with full range of motion. (I’d tied simple chest and hip harnesses as a first scene since these don’t limit motion, but give a first taste of how it feels to be restricted.) We then embraced and she nuzzled, kissed, and playfully bit my neck. Soon we were making out while leaning against a nearby column.

I then moved her to a futon so we could snuggle and discuss the scene. Not technically aftercare as she was still tied, but at least a short check in. She was in a very good, and very playful, space. Again, she started kissing and touching: exerting her bratty-ness. And, again, I was enjoying it.

However, I soon found myself turned on in a way I wasn’t feeling from other “sensual” partners. The feeling for me had become very sexual. And Avalon was giving every indication that she welcomed this transition, so I decided to go with it. However, being personally focused on verbal consent, I used my words to both assure consent and be playful. I recall asking, “May I kiss you?” (Despite the fact that we’d already kissed.) And then I said, “I’d really like to bite your nipple,” and she responded, “then why don’t you?” I’m sure you can guess what happened next!

We continued to be playful on the futon for a while until these words were whispered:

“I’d like to take you home and fuck you!”

By this time it was quite late and Avalon was already facing an early morning for work. We agreed that we definitely wanted to share more, but it wouldn’t be tonight. After a few days of flirty texts, we made plans for a private date where we could do another scene and also follow with sex. I probably won’t post specifically about that date, but I will say that it was an amazing time and the sex was worth the wait!

I’m certainly looking forward to more time with Avalon in the future. And more exploration of brat taming, too!



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My wife is the love of my life and my absolute soulmate. So why are we exploring polyamory and other sexual experiences that are often considered socially unacceptable? Read on to find out! Spoiler Alert: These things are AWESOME and have strengthened our marriage in ways you might not expect. Or believe.

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