I had been trying to write this post for weeks, then months, but it continually seemed to elude me. Throughout the Summer of Sexiness, I have learned so much about the concept of desire, but have also discovered that there is so much more to it. I had initially thought that I was just seeking desire – the desire to have sex – but, as I proceed in my sexploration, I feel certain that desire is actually enmeshed in turn-on and arousal, so it is challenging to tease out the individual strands of this issue.
In this regard, I began this pursuit thinking that it was just a lack of desire – aka low libido – that was the root cause of my “problem.” But, I now see that it is much more layered and nuanced and that libido is important, but insufficient. There is more to unpack and learn here…
Equally vital is the realization that desire (and eventually arousal) needs to stem from me. For years I was under the mistaken belief that desire and arousal are the (sole) result of sexual chemistry. I wondered if the initial chemistry I had felt with Viktor all those years ago had simply vanished and thus severed our sexual connection, since I no longer seemed to feel that spark with him.
Instead, I understand that it is up to me to turn myself on, to determine what it is that lights me up, brings me pleasure and awakens my body in a sensual and sexual manner. I now know that I can’t rely on my partner to do it. If nothing else, it is unfair.
However, it is fair (and helpful) to share my turn-ons with my partner, once I have identified them. I think this is the stage I am at now – trying to identify my turn-ons. I am trying to figure out: What is it that really ignites my desire and revs up my body to want to have sex (in any and all of its myriad forms)?
I am still struggling with these concepts and how they relate specifically to me and my body. I no longer feel the shame associated with sex, but, having neglected this part of me for so long, it is hard to know where or how to begin.
In many ways, my body has been asleep for so long and I have fallen into bad habits as well, that make it difficult to understand what I am feeling, what I want and what I need.
While my initial foray into dating these past few months definitely fed into my turn-on — the sexting, the attention and the newness of it all – most of it fell (and felt) flat once things proceeded into more overt territory. The inability to relax and surrender influenced things for sure, but I think a lot of it still hinges on my need to better understand just what it is that turns me on and on having a partner who cares (wants this information) and has the patience to provide me with whatever that turns out to be.
All of this brings me to a place of confusion, but also of hope. I know that I need to put in the time and effort to truly know myself in this context. I also know that Viktor is as committed to this as much as I am, so, yes, I have hope that we will get to a place on the other side where sex and desire come more easily for me, leading to more frequent and better sex for us.