Second Date Syndrome

People often get anxious about first dates, worrying about what to wear or how to act. But, I actually look forward to them. For me, there is the excitement of meeting someone new and unknown. Yes, there is a little nervousness, but I’m not really that invested in the person yet. Plus, at worst, it’s a chance to get to know someone, have some fun and maybe do something interesting. And, if you’re lucky, a delicious, first kiss.

Rather, I think that second dates are actually much more anxiety-provoking. First, there is the fact that you now like the person enough to meet up with them again, so I feel the stress to not screw things up. And, while there’s certainly no written rule, in my experience thus far, the second date in the poly world is the sex date. Clearly, as per many posts here, I am not against having sex on the second date, but there is a lot of pressure and awkwardness that such an encounter brings.

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ENM: The Ethics of Polyamory

The world is filled with acronyms and the dating scene is not immune. I frequently find myself heading over to the Urban Dictionary to decode people’s profiles. It’s a good thing I do because I recently thought that a duo who described themselves as a VGL couple might be vegan lovers, but it turns out that VGL stands for Very Good Looking (although if you have to state that you are very good looking …).

Anyway, another important acronym is ENM: Ethical Non-Monogamy. These three letters tell an important story because it is essentially the difference between being honest with your partner and being a cheater (yes, this is an oversimplification, but you get the idea).

When I meet people on the dating app, Viktor and I have a joint profile, so it should be clear to potential partners that we are practicing ethical non-monogamy. Moreover, when I have met people at play parties or elsewhere, I am quick to let them know that I am married and am happy to explain our situation. I don’t want anyone to be accidentally misled or be surprised. If they are not interested in pursuing me further as a result, no worries.

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A Little MORE Conversation

While Elvis crooned, “A little less conversation, a little more action, please” and also – funnily enough in this context – went on to ask for “more bite” and “less fight,” it’s not exactly a recipe for success in BDSM.

Admittedly, although Viktor and I took a full-day course with Dom Om Rupani, once upon a time, we are still relatively new to the scene. And, I am more aware of my naivete now that I have had time to reflect on my encounter with Brady.

As I traveled home from our date, Brady texted me to thank me for a lovely evening and added, “Next time. Hopefully soon.” Nearly two weeks passed without comment, so I sent him a quick “Happy Friday.” He responded later that day, at which point I advised him that I was surprised not to have heard from him for a debrief of our scene. He apologized for the lack of communication, citing an upcoming deadline for his latest book along with planned travel.

While I acknowledged his busy schedule, I pushed back on my request for a debrief. He agreed, promised to be in touch upon his return home and followed up accordingly. We eventually arranged to meet for a drink on a Saturday afternoon at the King Cole Bar at the St. Regis Hotel (he apparently has a love of classic NYC hotels).

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Getting What You Deserve

As Jeannie and I approach our 1-year “poly-versary” we’ve been reflecting on this journey a lot lately. We’re also in a period of reflection as we’re noting pivot points in the relationships we’ve created; and we must lead them where we want them to go. To that end, some of those relationships may end.

One thing I’ve been reflecting on is Jeannie’s growth as an empowered and passionate woman with regard to dating. How she has managed herself, and her partners, is something I have been acutely aware of all along. And it has taken a few bumps, and a lot of patience on my part, to let Jeannie grow into what she is today.

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Head Games

Sometimes my ability to truly be “in the moment” and appreciative can be waning. Other times I’ll allow my mind to wander into dangerous territory based on one small moment. In these moments I’ll start playing head games with myself. And I’m so “good” at it that I’ll even know what I’m doing without the ability to stop it. I might even start hearing Head Games by Foreigner, yet I still can’t stop it!

Head games are a great way to let the jealousy monster take over and, admittedly, I’m much better at avoiding this today than I was in my youth. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have those moments anymore. And, today, they can be more destructive than ever.

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