On my first date with Jon, he asked me what the rules were with regard to my marriage and dating. I wasn’t sure how to answer him initially, but eventually did note that there weren’t too many hard and fast rules and underscored the most important one was condoms.
After giving it some thought post-date, I have decided to put together a concise list of rules so that I will have it handy for future questions.
Our 7 Simple Rules 1. Condoms are always required.
2. No relationships with the others’ friends.
3. No relationships associated with the others’ work/industry/career.
4. No sex/related activities in the marital bed unless BOTH partners are involved.
5. No secrets.
6. Share everything (in juicy detail).
7. Respect yourself and your boundaries at all times
When I was discussing rules on my date with Jay, he mentioned two that he and his wife have:
1. Protect the relationship
2. No lingerie purchases
I really like his first point, but, as a lingerie addict, I am not quite as keen on the second as a recipient of his attention (but not gifts of bras and panties). Although, of course, I definitely don’t want Viktor using up my lingerie budget on anyone else either, so I totally get it.
Paper or plastic? Side of fries or a side salad? We have a lot of decisions to make on a daily basis. Most of them unimportant, some more pressing. In the context of the Summer of Sexiness, I have been grappling with what I want in the context of singular or plural. More specifically, do I want to date (singular) or do I want to play with others (plural)?
This dilemma has become more immediate since we signed up for a (new to us) dating app especially geared for polyamorous people. Initially, Viktor took the lead in identifying potential matches, focused on finding a guy to bring into our bedroom and has met at least two in person thus far. This has triggered me a bit, since such actions make things more real and tangible and I have had a few moments of (mild) panic. But I am not sure precisely where the fear lies. What am I afraid of? Continue reading Singular or Plural?
Ever since we launched the Summer of Sexiness, friends as well as strangers have been intrigued by our sexploration. While there is, of course, the general titillation of sex and kink, there is also a genuine interest by some in the concept of an open marriage and more specifically, how they might consider something similar for themselves. This has been a very rewarding piece of sharing our story.
Make no mistake, although we are delighted with the way things are going for us, we are not advocates for open marriage, per se. Such an arrangement is not for everyone and I would never simply suggest that someone consider it unless they came to me and explicitly asked about it. But, since people are asking, I thought it might be useful to share my thoughts on why it works for us and what couples might consider if they want to explore such an arrangement for themselves. Continue reading Advice for Your Vice? The Ins and Outs of an Open Marriage
While I am not sure what I did “right” on my date with Jake and Mia, I clearly didn’t do anything “wrong” since they were eager to see me again. I knew that Viktor was happy for me to have had the threesome with them, but I also got the sense that he would be a little annoyed (and jealous) if I saw them again without him. Plus, I knew that he was tired of being a spectator in this “sport” and was ready to participate!
During our texts to set up our date, Jake wanted to know if this would be a Full or Soft swap. Viktor and I had agreed that if I was comfortable and willing to pursue intercourse, then he was on board and, we both felt that losing my “virginity” this second time to Jake was a good idea given my previous positive experience with him and Mia. Accordingly, I texted back: Full. I was sure that he would be pleased. Continue reading She Said: The Full Swap Revealed
This will be a long post about our full swap with Jake and Mia. It will begin innocently, just as the night began. And, as with that night, this post will get more and more explicit…
As “awkward” was quickly replaced with “smokin’ hot!”
The plan was to meet Jake and Mia at the hotel bar, but as luck would have it, we found them checking in as we arrived. Jake immediately leaned in and gave Jeannie a passionate kiss, and then Mia did the same. Each of these actions aroused me immediately, and then I was faced with the awkward, “what do I do?” moment. (I did nothing, yet.) There would be a few of these, but “awkward” was quickly replaced with “smokin’ hot!” so it was worth it.
Before going to the bar, we went to drop stuff off in our room and Mia proceeded to shower. While in the shower, Jake began kissing and fondling Jeannie; then after a few minutes looked up at me and said, “May I kiss your wife?” As I responded, “Of course,” Jeannie was saying to Jake, “Honey, I think that ship sailed long ago!” I next said, “May I share?” and Jake responded, “Sharing is caring.” While he and I had previously exchanged a few text messages and he made it pretty clear that they “enjoy it all” I still needed to find my footing.
I was very turned on that Mia was dressed so sexily… and specifically for me.
At this point, Jeannie had explored outercourse with two new men. Over the course of less than a half dozen dates, she’d experienced most of what she wanted to try with these two men. She also met a couple at one of the two parties she attended and they were very much interested in a full swap. Meanwhile, all I’d done is make out with a young woman at a Brooklyn bar and a (super hot!) surfer dude on the beach in LA. I felt like I was a little behind, but as the opportunity for a full swap presented itself with a couple that Jeannie was comfortable with, I was definitely interested.
Of course, as experienced swingers, their idea of “meet me” was to “fuck me.”
Jeannie already spent a night with Jake and Mia… and not only did everyone enjoy themselves, but they enjoyed Jeannie’s stories enough that they wanted to meet me as well. Of course, as experienced swingers, their idea of “meet me” was to “fuck me.” And between what Jeannie shared of her experience with them, and a few simple photos, I was most definitely interested. I found Mia to be very attractive and while a photo of him didn’t turn me on, I’ve found that how a man looks doesn’t (usually) turn me on, but how he acts can get me very interested.
In swinger circles there is a lot of insider shorthand used to communicate effectively. While some of it seems a little silly, the intent is to assure that everyone has an effective way of communicating clearly. This is super important as individuals or couples may have certain behaviors or activities they really want to try, or others that are completely off the table. Upfront communication is critical.
Consent and communication are key. And NOTHING is permissible without consent.
Take, for example, the critical boundaries set by couples as they engage with each other. If two couples agree to swap, one of the first things they will agree upon is that the activity is a Soft Swap (outercourse only) or a Full Swap (intercourse permissible.) Further, participants need to clearly communicate any “hard limits” (activities they will not allow) and/or anything they may really want to experience. Consent and communication are key. And NOTHING is permissible without consent.