Tag: shame

Sex Crimes and Misdemeanors

Living in a world where the laws of the land coexist with the laws of nature, we seek justice when we feel such laws have been violated, wanting to inflict punishment to fit the crime to rectify the wrongdoing. But, we frequently misinterpret Newton’s Third Law of Motion (“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”) and are often our own harshest judges.

Last summer, Viktor and I spent a near perfect day at the beach. The weather was glorious, the water was divine, and we had a delicious dinner on our way back to the city. The next day found us back at work, intermittently slathering on aloe on our sunburnt skin. In addition to memories of our lovely day trip, we had the red, raw splotches marking our various body parts to show for it. Alas, a minor negative consequence of a happy occasion and we looked forward to our next beach excursion.

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It’s A Numbers Game

Polyamory. Its definition is right there in the word… many.

But, how many is too many?

Before I got married, I had had 10 sexual partners including Viktor. Some of those were one-night stands, but most were in the context of a dating relationship. And that was over a period of seven years. So, once I was a married, monogamous woman, I figured that number would never change, nor did it matter.

But, obviously things have changed. When we first opened up our marriage, sex (specifically intercourse) seemed so scary and I considered it to be a Very Big Deal. Thus, my play was limited to outercourse. Then, a few months in, with Viktor’s blessing, I chose to have sex with Jack during our first full swap.

Since then, I have had sex with several other partners, with the expectation that there was some sort of ongoing relationship with the person. In some cases, this didn’t turn out as expected, but you can’t plan for everything.

Continue reading It’s A Numbers Game

Je ne regrette rien

On Friday, in my S Factor class, my teacher called me a Super Goddess and talked about how I had been revealing and, standing for, my truth over these past few months. It was perfectly timed feedback since she had also shared with us about the arrival of the New Moon that night and our ability to take advantage of that to set intentions for our future desires.

Coincidentally, when I got out of class, there was an email from Viktor, who had forwarded me a blog post about the New Moon from the Alchemist’s Kitchen. As I read the article, I was profoundly struck by this statement: “At the same time, we may be questioning what outmoded commitments and obligations are holding us back that we now need to break. However, this period is not about running away. Aries the Ram is confrontational, and we’re learning to face each other—to confront our feelings so we can work through the messier, illogical aspects of our lives and relationships.”

In addition to the New Moon synchronicity, this discussion was also apropos because I had reached out to Jay the night before. After everything that happened with Jay at the recent erotic party, I didn’t know precisely where things stood with him. I had followed up with him immediately after the party to apologize and received a brief response. Then, just prior to heading out on vacation, I asked him if I was persona non grata; he noted that he was not like that and wished me the best on our trip. However, I still didn’t know if he wanted to resume our relationship or not. And, frankly, I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him either. I just knew that things felt unfinished and I wanted to know his thoughts at the very least.

Continue reading Je ne regrette rien

Sexual shutdown in a #MeToo World

industry old shut steam

[Warning: The following post may be very triggering for some people. Proceed cautiously.   If you are a survivor of sexual assault or intimate partner violence in need of assistance, please see these resources for help.]

As I share my journey with friends, especially female friends, I am constantly struck by how many of them share stories of rape, molestation and other sexual assault. I am humbled by their willingness to confide in me and saddened by how frequently these accounts are revealed.

Other friends have experienced less physical trauma, but have been shamed and shut down by parents, schools and society. One friend told me about her wish to share her feel-good secret with her nursery school classmates and the punishment she received as a result. To this day, she associates sexual pleasure with sinful behavior and is living in a happy (yet sexless) marriage. These wounds run deep and are carried with us throughout our lives.
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She Said: Shame? Shame!

As always, I am in awe of Viktor and his vulnerability in sharing his personal thoughts and experiences with shame.

However, his post, as beautiful as it is, leaves out an element of shame that I think is an important aspect that should also be added to the conversation — namely, that of internal shame. I don’t know if men experience sexual shame in the same way (I questioned Viktor about it and this hasn’t been his personal experience), but I see for myself that I still harbor so much internal shame around sex and desire.

Like Viktor, I obviously can only write from my own experiences, but I do think that much of the cultural conditioning that I received as a child will have been similar, if not the same as many other women. In this regard, as young girls in the American culture, we are generally raised to think of sex as something sinful that we do solely for procreation or out of duty for our husbands. Continue reading She Said: Shame? Shame!