“But you saw more
You saw my deepest part
With the light of a thousand stars
You saw them, awake in me
And through your eyes
You show me everything
You woke me up inside
Brought back to life
I lost myself
Now I breathe again”
The title of this post comes from the refrain of one of my favorite songs to dance to in class: The Ever by Red. And, with this emphasis on rage, beauty, and haunting lyrics that speak to being seen, I thought it was perfectly apropos for sharing this experience.
Specifically, I had a profound dance at S Factor last weekend during an EC (Erotic Creature) Romp — a 4-hour, immersive workshop. During my first dance, I had my hands tied behind my back. It felt thrilling, straining against the binds — the yearning to touch, to break free…and the vulnerability of being bound and restrained. I pulled against the taut strings; it was like music being drawn out slowly through the air. I felt the raw depth of forcing my body into new shapes, breaking old/stagnant patterns and pushing against bonds and boundaries.
Continue reading It’s Beauty and Rage
It’s hard to believe that almost a year has gone by since that first, fateful party, catapulting Viktor and me into a new chapter of our lives. When we first decided to pursue this journey, we knew that it would be a positive experience, but that really doesn’t sufficiently capture the profound impact that this past year has had on us as a couple and on me and my sexual awakening.
Almost ten years ago, I served as the anonymous interviewee (Charlotte – #5) for an article on sexual frequency in marriage in Self Magazine, August 2010. At the time, we admitted to having sex about once a month, but in reality, I think it was even less. And, this was after 13 years of marriage, which had been undersexed from the very beginning. I was shut down sexually – filled with shame, a lack of libido, and a general sense that wives (aka good girls) weren’t sexual beings. Rationally, I knew that these thoughts didn’t make sense, but I didn’t know how to overcome their negative influence.
Thankfully, despite the lack of intercourse, we still remained close with shared intimacy – kissing, cuddling, hugs and a sense of being loved. This was never at issue or in doubt! Thus, I was eager to share my story in the magazine to let other women know that they weren’t alone. But, while I was somewhat at peace with where things stood in my marriage and sex life, I knew I wanted so much more. Continue reading I’ve come a long way, baby
I started and stopped writing this post numerous times because some of the autobiographical details were derailing my momentum. But, after much thought, I realized that they weren’t relevant to the story I wanted to tell. Suffice it to say, for various reasons, I had been feeling a bit off for about a week or so. In fact, there was almost an anxious, manic feeling and I felt driven to do something, but wasn’t sure what to do.
Among the things I did do, was return to the dating app in the hope of finding a date for the weekend since Viktor would be at raves on both Friday and Saturday nights.
In addition, I realized that in the wake of my Heteroflexible, Bi-curious or Bisexual post, I really did want to manifest my desire to be intimate with women, so I started to look more earnestly for possible matches in this regard as well.
After some online chatting, I made plans to meet up with a number of men, but two of the three dates were cancelled. And, then I had a weird virtual Dom from Ireland / possible scam incident, which was unsettling. Thus, by the end of the week, I was emotionally charged, but tried to push through as if everything was fine. Continue reading Sex Magic Revisited
When I first set up my dating app profile, I listed myself as heteroflexible. However, the more I explore and play, I am not sure if that is the correct label, while, at the same time, recognizing that people don’t fall into discrete categories or labels anyway, regardless of the topic.
That being said, you do have to choose something, so I have been thinking about what makes the most sense and is the most truthful. My initial feelings for choosing heteroflexible was because while I am interested in being physical with a woman, I really don’t have any experience in being sexually intimate with a woman. Yes, I have been in a threesome with Jake and Mia and played with Mia a bit during that encounter, but I still haven’t gone down on a woman and I worry about truth in advertising (over-promising and thus, potentially, under-delivering), as it were. But, lately, my hesitancy in continuing to use this term is that it doesn’t fully convey my interest and desire in being with a woman; I am not just willing to be flexible, I have an outright desire to be intimate with a woman. And, I wonder if some women are overlooking me because heteroflexible doesn’t speak to them sufficiently. Continue reading Heteroflexible, Bi-curious or Bisexual?
On Friday, in my S Factor class, my teacher called me a Super Goddess and talked about how I had been revealing and, standing for, my truth over these past few months. It was perfectly timed feedback since she had also shared with us about the arrival of the New Moon that night and our ability to take advantage of that to set intentions for our future desires.
Coincidentally, when I got out of class, there was an email from Viktor, who had forwarded me a blog post about the New Moon from the Alchemist’s Kitchen. As I read the article, I was profoundly struck by this statement: “At the same time, we may be questioning what outmoded commitments and obligations are holding us back that we now need to break. However, this period is not about running away. Aries the Ram is confrontational, and we’re learning to face each other—to confront our feelings so we can work through the messier, illogical aspects of our lives and relationships.”
In addition to the New Moon synchronicity, this discussion was also apropos because I had reached out to Jay the night before. After everything that happened with Jay at the recent erotic party, I didn’t know precisely where things stood with him. I had followed up with him immediately after the party to apologize and received a brief response. Then, just prior to heading out on vacation, I asked him if I was persona non grata; he noted that he was not like that and wished me the best on our trip. However, I still didn’t know if he wanted to resume our relationship or not. And, frankly, I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him either. I just knew that things felt unfinished and I wanted to know his thoughts at the very least.
Continue reading Je ne regrette rien
Over the past two months, I have been busy meeting people and dating. There has been a lot of movement and, consequently, numerous learning experiences, but I also wanted to take a moment to reflect on some of the things that have come up for me during this period of time.
First, I want to address Viktor’s recent post to the topic of compersion, in which he questioned his jealousy with respect to my flurry of dating activity. I am convinced that he truly is experiencing compersion and that his jealousy is related, not to my being with another person, but rather, with what I have. In the same way that one might be jealous of someone having a fabulous car, a great vacation or even a cupcake. I can be jealous that you have a cupcake (because cupcakes are delicious, duh 😉) and not be at all jealous that you are sharing the cupcake with so and so or such and such. Accordingly, I want Viktor to have the same dating opportunities that I’ve had so that he can have his own cupcakes. But, as has been discussed, this is much more challenging for men than it seems to be for women in this lifestyle.
Continue reading Reflections on Polyamorous Dating
My fifth erotic party was yet again another adventure, filled with unexpected plot twists and turns. Several weeks ago, Jay expressed an interest in attending (after I had shared about the previous parties) and had asked me if I would like to go with him as a couple. I immediately replied yes and looked forward to the event. The theme was Alice in Wonderland: Down the Bunny Hole. I asked him “Alice or Queen of Hearts?” He replied: Alice, to which Viktor then told me that he no longer liked Jay – but, of course, he was only kidding.
The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men…
Jokes aside, I actually decided that the Queen of Hearts persona was more my style and had fun planning my costume. A few days before the party, Jay and I met for coffee to discuss our intentions and desires for the event. We agreed that full nudity and intercourse at the party was not on the menu because I hadn’t felt comfortable with this idea at the other parties; the thought of being so vulnerable in such a public place filled with me dread, not desire.
We also determined that we were going to go together but with the understanding that we would be free to hang out separately on occasion and that we would check in with one another as the evening proceeded. I told him about Ryan, who would once again be demonstrating Shibari at the party. He had heard about my suspension session with Ryan at the February party, but I now impressed upon him that things had progressed and he seemed OK with it, noting the way I talked about him (Ryan). I also advised Jay that Jake and Mia would be at the party so he wouldn’t be blindsided, as I had had a text from them earlier in the evening, letting me know that they would be in attendance.
Continue reading The Importance of Being Earnest
…so I got undressed and joined them! (Not how you usually expect that sentence to end, right?)
Perhaps I should back up a little bit…
It was Friday night and I had plans for an overnight rave, so Jeannie made a date with Ryan. We’d met Ryan originally at one of the erotic parties where he was tying up folks at the Shibari station. He returned in this starring role again at a second party where this time Jeannie got both tied and suspended by him. I guess the high of the ropes experience created an attraction to him. I’ll tell my version of the story in two parts: My Night and Our Morning below. And you can separately read Jeannie’s version. Continue reading Found My Wife in Bed with Another Man…