Tag: sexuality

Entering the Lion’s Gate

In early August, I had my first date with Lawrence, which I had been very much looking forward to since our initial connection on the dating app. We found a mutually convenient date and arranged to meet in his neighborhood. But, it wasn’t until I arrived at the restaurant and saw him coming down the stoop of the apartment building next door that I realized just how close to home it was. But, as I had joked with him earlier, I was happy to come to the East Village and thanked him for not living in Queens or Brooklyn 😊.

We immediately hit it off and jumped right into deep conversation, sharing stories and otherwise showing ourselves to one another. He also revealed that his birthday was the next day, which meant that he was astrologically a Leo. I had remembered that it was 8-8, the Lion’s Gate and noted the significance of this important date to him.

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What Turns You On?

Viktor knows me and knows my body, so being intimate with him is relatively easy and effortless. I don’t have to think about what he’s doing that turns me on; it just does. But, as I mentioned recently, being with a new sexual partner can be daunting. You want to please each other (if not, that’s just plain rude!) and a very reasonable question to ask is: What turns you on? I have, in fact, been asked this question by a partner as well as by my S Factor teacher (in different contexts, of course). Yet, in both cases, I had no real answer for them, at least not in the moment that the question was posed.

For the most part, I should know the answer, but I think some of my trepidation at answering this question is the expectation that it has to be something that absolutely, physically arouses me. I feel like I am supposed to be able to say do x, y and z and I will climax, guaranteed.

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Sex Crimes and Misdemeanors

Living in a world where the laws of the land coexist with the laws of nature, we seek justice when we feel such laws have been violated, wanting to inflict punishment to fit the crime to rectify the wrongdoing. But, we frequently misinterpret Newton’s Third Law of Motion (“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”) and are often our own harshest judges.

Last summer, Viktor and I spent a near perfect day at the beach. The weather was glorious, the water was divine, and we had a delicious dinner on our way back to the city. The next day found us back at work, intermittently slathering on aloe on our sunburnt skin. In addition to memories of our lovely day trip, we had the red, raw splotches marking our various body parts to show for it. Alas, a minor negative consequence of a happy occasion and we looked forward to our next beach excursion.

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Third Date’s A Charm

On our last date, Matt and I took advantage of his children’s visit to grandma and grandpa’s and he hosted us at his home in Queens. Since his children are usually at home (obviously), I invited him to come to my apartment for our third date. Unfortunately, we were unable to capitalize on Viktor’s quick trip to Europe, but we arranged to meet up on a recent Monday night and Viktor agreed to go to the movies, thus giving us some time alone.

Matt arrived in a torrential downpour, which I chose to see as nostalgic of our first date (on which it had rained). I welcomed him in and gave him a tour of our home. In the lead up to our date, we had decided to conduct research on BDSM and compare notes. I wasn’t sure how seriously he would take the “assignment,” but I took it to heart, writing up a formal document complete with images and a bibliography. I plied Matt with wine and we sat down to a lively discussion on this topic, filling in gaps in each other’s research and generally enjoying the connections we were drawing between the past and present, as we learned more about the history of BDSM.

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Getting Better at BDSM

I was a little disappointed to say goodbye to Brady but was actually more disappointed to give up what had seemed to be an exciting D/s relationship. I have clearly been seeking such an arrangement for some time by evidence of other potential connections and matches on the app that had, as of yet, yielded nothing.

However, more recently, I matched with Gary who has significant experience and knowledge in the D/s scene. In fact, while I was unaware of this until we met face-to-face, he actually teaches classes around the city and plans to write an instructional guidebook on the subject.

Needless to say, he was aghast when I shared my Brady story with him, but thankfully he recognized that I was aware of my mistakes and would be much wiser going forward. We had a lovely first date at a wine bar near Union Square and talked through our interests and desires in connection with life in general and BDSM in particular.

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Second Date Syndrome

People often get anxious about first dates, worrying about what to wear or how to act. But, I actually look forward to them. For me, there is the excitement of meeting someone new and unknown. Yes, there is a little nervousness, but I’m not really that invested in the person yet. Plus, at worst, it’s a chance to get to know someone, have some fun and maybe do something interesting. And, if you’re lucky, a delicious, first kiss.

Rather, I think that second dates are actually much more anxiety-provoking. First, there is the fact that you now like the person enough to meet up with them again, so I feel the stress to not screw things up. And, while there’s certainly no written rule, in my experience thus far, the second date in the poly world is the sex date. Clearly, as per many posts here, I am not against having sex on the second date, but there is a lot of pressure and awkwardness that such an encounter brings.

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Attachment Theory

Months ago, Jon sent me a link to a dating article from Ask Men magazine. My first reaction to the article was that it was focused on Millennials who were unwilling to commit and thus didn’t apply to us because 1) we had both committed to our spouses and 2) neither of us is a Millennial. I probed him further and he explained that he wanted to know if I thought there was a concern about either of us becoming attached to our relationship, revealing that he and his previous play partner had said (and meant) I love you to one another.

I re-read the article, which provided guidance on how to keep things casual in a relationship, suggesting you limit the frequency you see one another and avoid romantic dates. Perhaps it was good advice, but I wondered… Which has greater influence on us: candlelight or cuddling?

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The safe-word is…

As previously shared, I met Brady back in April and we had a fun first date. We bonded over cocktails, which led to an intense (and inappropriate) make-out session at an uptown lounge. When he expressed his desire to go out again, he indicated that he would prefer to go somewhere with more privacy (so as not to shock fellow patrons again) and shared that he wanted to spend more time with my sexy persona. I readily agreed and we picked a date for the following month given our mutually busy schedules.

We arranged to meet at an upscale bar (initially the Roosevelt Hotel rooftop lounge, which turned out to be closed for renovations), to give us the opportunity to reconnect after the four-week hiatus. I had been more casually dressed for our first date, so I made up for my error with an overtly sexy, black and nude, lace cocktail dress, which very much met with Brady’s approval.

Over drinks, Brady brought up the topic of a safe-word and stated that it would be… safe-word. I knew from our first date that he was into spanking, but we hadn’t discussed much else in the way of D/s play, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Plus, this was only our second time meeting each other, so I was both excited and nervous at the same time, not knowing precisely what was in store.

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The power of polka dots

While I left most of the planning for our fourth date up to Tim, I knew at least part of my attire for the evening would be the beautiful AP stockings he had gifted me on our third date. They were black polka-dots, so I paired them with a black garter belt and a new matching bra and panty that was black with white dots. During one of our text chats, Tim had expressed interest in seeing me in a tight-fitting, short dress, so I perused my closet for something that fit the bill and pulled on a black knit dress to wear over my lingerie.

I also knew that I had to make sure that the new sex toy was adequately charged and that I generally knew how to use it (or at least brought the instructions with me). Once it was ready, I turned on the small vibrator and slipped it into the pouch provided in the underwear included in the toy’s set. I then tied them on over my sexy, ouvert panties. The vibrator was in place (sort of), but slipped further into the pouch as I walked to the subway.

On my way to meet Tim, he texted me to make sure I remembered that we were meeting at the James Hotel in Nomad, not Soho, and then he sent me a photo of the cocktail menu so he could order my drink for me and have it waiting upon my arrival. Very classy and appreciated!

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Happy Polyversary: A Love Letter to Viktor

My dearest Viktor,

Wow! I can’t believe that this past year has flown by. It has been such an amazing experience to go on this polyamorous journey with you as we pushed, prodded and pulled our marriage in new and exciting ways. Even more unbelievable is how much this has brought us closer together, increased our intimacy and dramatically improved our sex lives!

Early on in our marriage, when I was convinced that I was “broken,” you stood by your conviction that you would rather be with me without sex than be with someone else with lots of sex. I even encouraged you to find a mistress, but you chose not to pursue this option. Instead, we found ways to maintain our connection and bond, but it was frustrating for both of us as we endured an undersexed marriage.

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