Desperately seeking desire…initial thoughts

Desperately seeking desireI had been trying to write this post for weeks, then months, but it continually seemed to elude me. Throughout the Summer of Sexiness, I have learned so much about the concept of desire, but have also discovered that there is so much more to it. I had initially thought that I was just seeking desire – the desire to have sex – but, as I proceed in my sexploration, I feel certain that desire is actually enmeshed in turn-on and arousal, so it is challenging to tease out the individual strands of this issue.

In this regard, I began this pursuit thinking that it was just a lack of desire – aka low libido – that was the root cause of my “problem.” But, I now see that it is much more layered and nuanced and that libido is important, but insufficient. There is more to unpack and learn here… Continue reading Desperately seeking desire…initial thoughts

Turned on or tuned out?

person holding volume knob

While finding my desire and turn on can be a challenge in itself (see related post), there is another, equally challenging piece to the puzzle: staying present.

Although I was (blissfully) unaware that I was doing it, for years, I would check out during sex. Yes, my body was physically there, but my mind was elsewhere. I was going through the motions, but I was not truly engaged or connected to my partner. It wasn’t until I read Madeleine Castellanos’ book, Wanting to Want, that I became conscious of my tendency to wander, recognizing that I would literally zone out as if my mind and body were completely disconnected from one another. Continue reading Turned on or tuned out?

She Said: The Full Swap Revealed

two people laying on a bed covered with a floral comforter

While I am not sure what I did “right” on my date with Jake and Mia, I clearly didn’t do anything “wrong” since they were eager to see me again. I knew that Viktor was happy for me to have had the threesome with them, but I also got the sense that he would be a little annoyed (and jealous) if I saw them again without him. Plus, I knew that he was tired of being a spectator in this “sport” and was ready to participate!

During our texts to set up our date, Jake wanted to know if this would be a Full or Soft swap. Viktor and I had agreed that if I was comfortable and willing to pursue intercourse, then he was on board and, we both felt that losing my “virginity” this second time to Jake was a good idea given my previous positive experience with him and Mia. Accordingly, I texted back: Full. I was sure that he would be pleased. Continue reading She Said: The Full Swap Revealed

He Said: The Full Swap Revealed

This will be a long post about our full swap with Jake and Mia. It will begin innocently, just as the night began. And, as with that night, this post will get more and more explicit…

As “awkward” was quickly replaced with “smokin’ hot!”

The plan was to meet Jake and Mia at the hotel bar, but as luck would have it, we found them checking in as we arrived. Jake immediately leaned in and gave Jeannie a passionate kiss, and then Mia did the same. Each of these actions aroused me immediately, and then I was faced with the awkward, “what do I do?” moment. (I did nothing, yet.) There would be a few of these, but “awkward” was quickly replaced with “smokin’ hot!” so it was worth it.

Before going to the bar, we went to drop stuff off in our room and Mia proceeded to shower. While in the shower, Jake began kissing and fondling Jeannie; then after a few minutes looked up at me and said, “May I kiss your wife?” As I responded, “Of course,” Jeannie was saying to Jake, “Honey, I think that ship sailed long ago!” I next said, “May I share?” and Jake responded, “Sharing is caring.” While he and I had previously exchanged a few text messages and he made it pretty clear that they “enjoy it all” I still needed to find my footing.

I was very turned on that Mia was dressed so sexily… and specifically for me.

Continue reading He Said: The Full Swap Revealed

A Tale of Two Dates

blur carefree cute feelings

After my first date with Hank, our texting morphed into sexting, which was a new experience for me  — my previous dating experiences were in the olden (aka pre-cellphone) days. Hearing my phone ding with the arrival of his sexts became almost Pavlovian as I became aroused by his missives expressing his desire to kiss me all over, taste my wetness and share an erotic dream he had had.

But, it was clear that we both wanted to move things from the virtual to the actual, so Hank and I arranged to meet up on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend for a picnic. He suggested that we could pick up sandwiches and some wine when I got to his neighborhood, but I texted back that I had a much different picnic in mind. Rather, I was imagining a sensual picnic with strawberries, blueberries, whipped cream and chocolate. He immediately acquiesced to the new plan and even asked me which kind of whipped cream he should buy.
Continue reading A Tale of Two Dates

Act I, Scene I

black and white coffee couple cups

After we met at an erotic party (See Let’s Get This Party Started), Hank and I texted back and forth during the week, eventually setting up dinner plans. As we counted down the days to our date, I was excited and filled with wonder. All week I buzzed with energetic arousal like never before. I still felt ungrounded, alive, aflame! It was amazing and exhausting all at once.

Plus, there was the anticipation of a first date after 20+ years. What to wear? What would I say? And, more importantly, what did I want? As I was getting dressed, I was texting with my friend T who asked me what my desires for the date might be. I told her that I wanted to have an open and honest conversation with Hank, get to know him better and feel out what might about what might be possible for our non-conventional relationship. I desired to feel his desire; to feel his gaze and attention; and for him to sensually kiss me on the back of my neck. Then, I headed out the door and was on my way.

Continue reading Act I, Scene I

Let’s Talk About KINK!

Many will find the title of the post shocking. Many want to never, EVER, talk about KINK.

Society not wanting to acknowledge KINK is precisely why I am talking about KINK.

There’s soooooo much to talk about here, but the bottom line is this… Kink is normal. Kink is fine. Kink is FUN! OK, not everyone will find it fun; it won’t be right for everyone. But everyone should be comfortable addressing and acknowledging kink. It’s not some dirty thing that takes place in dark dungeons (well, not ONLY dark dungeons at least.) And it certainly isn’t Fifty Shades of Grey. In the D/s world (more on that in a moment) a scene or a lifestyle could be like Fifty Shades of Grey, and that’s cool. But it’s not the most common thing you’d experience.

In my first post I mentioned Jaiya’s Erotic Blueprint and I will, again, encourage you to take this quiz. My dominant erotic persona is Kink and when I discovered this, my first feeling was concern. Actually, no, perhaps it was shame. In any case, I wasn’t excited to learn that I was kinky (although deep down I suspected this and while taking the quiz it started to become obvious based on some of my honest answers.)

Continue reading Let’s Talk About KINK!

The Summer of Sexiness: Down the Rabbit Hole

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I’m really not sure where to begin because in some ways this story starts this past May; in others, it begins four years ago; but, if I am really honest, it really goes back to my early 20s, when I was first out of college. Back then, I was enjoying being single, launching my career and trying to figure out what I wanted from life. And, what I wanted from my sex life.

I dated around at first and then proceeded to fall in and out of love with a number of different men, each one bringing his own unique set of characteristics that captivated me at the time.  I felt comfortable having sex with these men and considered myself to be a well-adjusted, sexually empowered woman.

Continue reading The Summer of Sexiness: Down the Rabbit Hole