A Confluence of Conversations

We are constantly having a flurry of conversations with others… and with ourselves. Even if it’s just in our head. And, despite the fact that there is only one person involved in such discussions, they, too, can be contentious or at least less than straightforward.

For our first date outside meeting at the BDSM party, Austin came over to our apartment for a scene . I was clear with him up front that I didn’t know if I would want to have sex with him. He was okay with this, so we agreed to proceed. That evening, we had a four-hour scene with rope and sensual play, taking turns as Dom/Mistress and sub. Things did become very physical, but I deliberately chose not to engage in penetrative sex because I didn’t really know him and I wasn’t sure where things were going with us. Was this date simply a one night stand?

I was still unsure what I wanted to happen on our second date, but knew that I wanted to get to know him better. Thus, I requested a non-scene date. He offered to cook me dinner and go to a paint and sip event near his apartment.

We had a lovely dinner and then snuggled and kissed for a bit afterwards before heading to the art event. We then returned to his apartment and got cozy on his bed. Things progressed with time and we were eventually both naked and enjoying each other’s bodies, but I told him that I wasn’t sure I wanted to have sex. As we continued to tease and turn each other on, I began to have an in-depth conversation in my head.

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Emotional Rollercoasters and Shame Spirals: When Compersion Isn’t Enough

When Viktor first told me that he was in love with Justina, it hit me hard. It took me several weeks to process the intense emotions that were unleashed. I was very confused as to what I was specifically feeling and struggled to determine if I truly felt compersion for my partner despite saying that I did.

It hurt… a lot, and I wanted to make sense of everything so I could understand and move forward. Heal. On top of all of this, I was grappling with the loss of Sam. We had initially been texting three to four times a day with the added intensity of our sexting, which then dwindled to an occasional text every few days. What was up?

I missed the interaction with Sam, not just the fun, flirty, sexual innuendo (and the more overt conversations), but also the contact and friendship. Of course, I created all sorts of scenarios to explain Sam’s telephonic absence and tried in vain to stop thinking about him. I felt the loss acutely, which felt even more painful in light of Justina and Viktor’s budding romance. I felt so alone.

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Miami, Baby!

For our (23rd!!!) anniversary, we had originally planned to visit Turkey. But life got in the way and we needed to cancel those plans, so Jeannie decided that we should take the weekend to party in South Beach. Despite having lived in the Fort Lauderdale area for several years, I really never spent time in South Beach and Jeannie had been there for several Mama Gena weekends, so she knew her way around pretty well. We both agreed that South Beach has terrific sexy energy, and sexy people, so this would be the perfect backdrop to our celebration weekend.

Leading up to our anniversary, sooooooo much had happened that both Jeannie and I found ourselves with heads spinning and a little disconnected. Just a sampling of recent changes:

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A Maelstrom of Desire

It was just a simple introduction on OKC – complimenting my smile and wanting to know more about me – but it was enough, along with his profile, to match and begin chatting. Thus, Sam and I were soon in an engaging conversation that captured my attention. He also introduced me to his wife, Shana, as there was the potential for us all to connect.

Within a short period of time, we scheduled our first date for post-work drinks. The dialog flowed easily and the hours flew by. We reluctantly decided to say goodnight and ended the date with a brief kiss. He texted on his way home (always a good sign and my preference) and complimented the kiss.

On our date, we had talked about deliberately taking things slowly since I am looking for a more substantial connection to which he agreed. But, apparently, my kiss kindled something intense in him since the next morning he shared a very erotic dream he had had of me. And then the sexting began… in earnest.

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Blissed Out Beyond Belief

As a student of all things (well, many things) related to sex, I am no stranger to sexual empowerment and have read about the transformational power of orgasm from Layla Martin, Keeley Olivia and others. But, to tell the truth, I always thought they were exaggerating. Yes, sex can be amazing, but could it really be as magical as they claimed? Spoiler alert: It can!

Last weekend, Viktor and I had a very specific sex date planned. Among his desires, Viktor very much wants to have anal sex with me and we have agreed to begin prepping in this regard. Thus, we had decided that we would engage in some anal play, namely butt plugs that Viktor had purchased for this purpose.

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Diligently Seeking Someone

Several months ago, I declared that I wanted a Boyfriend (yes, with a capital “B”) and, as I say of Viktor and myself, we never do anything by halves. So, needless to say, it has been an intensive, whirlwind two months. And, of course, while I am in search of said “Boyfriend,” I am still enjoying time with my existing set of men.

Early on in August, I finally made it to one of the monthly Polycocktails events, which was great. Viktor (who had been once before) and I went together and we met lots of lovely people, including Frank and his girlfriend, Dee. A few weeks later, Viktor and I had dinner with Frank and Dee, which was a wonderful opportunity to get to know them better, especially as we had spent more time at the mixer with Frank than Dee. Then, more recently, I met up with Frank on his own and am feeling into what I do or don’t want from him. I’m not sure there is sufficient chemistry on my part, but I think he is a really cool guy.

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Passive Participant

Last night included another new experience, as the polyamorous lifestyle so often does. Jeannie had a dinner date with Matt in the neighborhood and was planning to bring him to our apartment after dinner for a little tryst. We’d discussed the idea of Jeannie using the guest room while I am home, but it hadn’t quite happened yet.

“I very much enjoy performing for an audience!”

I had already met Matt, in our apartment, but after he and Jeannie were done for the night. It was very much like meeting anyone else, but with the knowledge that this person and my wife we naked and sweaty and screaming together just a little earlier. What I didn’t know, that I’d learn at the end of last night, was the Matt really enjoys an audience.

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