It’s hard to believe that almost a year has gone by since that first, fateful party, catapulting Viktor and me into a new chapter of our lives. When we first decided to pursue this journey, we knew that it would be a positive experience, but that really doesn’t sufficiently capture the profound impact that this past year has had on us as a couple and on me and my sexual awakening.
Almost ten years ago, I served as the anonymous interviewee (Charlotte – #5) for an article on sexual frequency in marriage in Self Magazine, August 2010. At the time, we admitted to having sex about once a month, but in reality, I think it was even less. And, this was after 13 years of marriage, which had been undersexed from the very beginning. I was shut down sexually – filled with shame, a lack of libido, and a general sense that wives (aka good girls) weren’t sexual beings. Rationally, I knew that these thoughts didn’t make sense, but I didn’t know how to overcome their negative influence.
Thankfully, despite the lack of intercourse, we still remained close with shared intimacy – kissing, cuddling, hugs and a sense of being loved. This was never at issue or in doubt! Thus, I was eager to share my story in the magazine to let other women know that they weren’t alone. But, while I was somewhat at peace with where things stood in my marriage and sex life, I knew I wanted so much more. Continue reading I’ve come a long way, baby
Jeannie has been busy lately. Very busy! And while I’ve been a part of all of it, some physically, all emotionally, I have not been as personally active as she has. This past month has put a fine point on a few of the notable differences in how Jeannie and I are experiencing our sexual journeys. In this post:
- Male and Female
- Attention, Intimacy, Sex
- Compersion and Jealousy
Continue reading Compersion and Jealousy: Not Mutually Exclusive
The big O, as in Orgasm. Defined by a “discharge of sexual excitement,” by Wikipedia (so not a sexy definition, by the way), this is a topic that is possibly very misunderstood by both men and women. Well, at least a woman’s orgasm is. I think that while men are also capable of complex arousal and release, the basic mechanics are more easily understood. [I’ll let Viktor comment on this topic, should he wish, but I don’t think I can speak with authority here 😉.]
As I struggle with understanding my own body and its ability to surrender sexually, orgasm continues to be on my mind. And, this week, Layla Martin’s video focused on why 46% of women have difficulty with achieving orgasm, so it seems to be on a lot of people’s minds.
Continue reading The Big O
Yeah, I know how this sounds… research and communication hardly sound like hot and sexy words or activities. And kink should be hot and sexy, right? Yep, for sure! And I’ll show you that research and communication are not only the keys to kink, they are hot and sexy as well. (At least in this context and maybe not so much to a student in the library at all hours. Unless their kink is a sexy librarian!)
Starting with research, pick a kink and type it into your favorite search engine. (Put your browser in Incognito or Private mode if you are worries about this search being remembered.) I put in “Shibari” and all of the top links contain a combination of useful information, sexy imagery and/or hot and kinky videos. I challenge you to go online, or, GASP<!>, open a book to learn about a kink and NOT get turned on in the process. Even the most fundamental HOW TO guides have no choice but to venture into the erotic realm. Using my Shibari example, the fourth paragraph on the top search result reads as follows:
Continue reading Keys to Kink: Research & Communication
So, not long after my Singular vs Plural post, I decided to jump into the deep end with both feet. I started liking a few profiles on the dating app and before I knew it (once I got over the initial panic of matching), I was engaged in several different conversations.
I had mostly selected single men. Not because I had specifically made the choice of singular over plural, but more because I felt that Viktor had the plural route covered with the connections he was making on the app.
Having never done online dating before (we got married back in the “dark ages,” pre- dating apps), the concept was foreign, yet intriguing as I read through a variety of people’s profiles. Mostly, I wanted to mix and match my preferred faces with the more alluring descriptions, but I did find a few that held both my visual and intellectual interest. I tried to match personal interests (yes to wine) with sexual predilections (no to anal) and soon had two dates scheduled for the following week.
Continue reading Back in the Saddle
Dating apps suck!
Well, actually, what I learned is that people suck. And, guess what? People use dating apps. Let’s unpack this…
Dating apps don’t suck, people suck.
Before I go into my experience, let’s start with women looking for men. In an informal poll of single female friends using these apps, about a third of matches result in a dick pic within the first dozen messages and another third actually go somewhere — only to result in a dick pic before the first date. So, basically, two-thirds of matches go nowhere because there are no women out there that want to see your junk at this stage in the “relationship” (as there isn’t even a relationship yet.)
Guys – no one gets a date with a dick pic. NO ONE. Listen… NO ONE!
Continue reading Tinder, Bumble & Hinge… Oh, My!
NOTE: This post is entirely based on my personal experience. Jeannie has posted a follow up (She Said: Shame? Shame!) because there’s a whole other, deeper, level of shame that she, and likely many women, experience.
Shame is a huge topic and I won’t do it justice here. However, it’s been on my mind a lot lately and I’d like to address a few things. Most importantly, why is there still shame associated with so many things that should otherwise be positive? This question comes to me as I constantly consider who to let into “my inner circle” – basically, who among my friends and family get to see the real me and know all the truths about my life and lifestyle. Continue reading He Said: Shame? Shame!
During the safety briefing on a plane, we are advised that lights on the floor will illuminate the exits, making them easy to find in the dark. In some ways, exits themselves can be illuminating, making us more explicitly aware of what we do and don’t want. In the course of two-plus months, the appearance and disappearance of several people did just that and I am thankful for the lessons they provided as I continue along this journey.
Ever since our date at the Standard Hotel, Andy continued to text and occasionally telephone me. His texts and conversations were almost always overtly sexual and while I enjoyed the tantalizing nature of them, it was a bit intense for me to receive from someone I didn’t know well. Continue reading Illuminating exits and entrances
I had been trying to write this post for weeks, then months, but it continually seemed to elude me. Throughout the Summer of Sexiness, I have learned so much about the concept of desire, but have also discovered that there is so much more to it. I had initially thought that I was just seeking desire – the desire to have sex – but, as I proceed in my sexploration, I feel certain that desire is actually enmeshed in turn-on and arousal, so it is challenging to tease out the individual strands of this issue.
In this regard, I began this pursuit thinking that it was just a lack of desire – aka low libido – that was the root cause of my “problem.” But, I now see that it is much more layered and nuanced and that libido is important, but insufficient. There is more to unpack and learn here… Continue reading Desperately seeking desire…initial thoughts
I mentioned in the earlier post, Let’s Talk About KINK! that part of the reason I’m talking about kink is because often folks are really uncomfortable with this topic. That doesn’t mean I’m trying to make you uncomfortable! On the contrary, I’d really like to see sex topics of all kind become more normalized in our society. I’m not recruiting – everyone should choose their own path. But the conversation and possible exploration alone are enough to freak people out. It shouldn’t be this way.
When Jeannie and I began our discussions, there were a lot of topics that were still pretty much untouchable and a lot of words that suddenly required a whispering voice as if the Kink Police might break down the door and carry us away. (Come to think of it, if they arrived in latex, I’d rather enjoy the handcuffs and a little rough handling. Maybe some corporal punishment would be in order as I’m cuffed to the bars in the jail…Wait… I digress!!!)
Couples shouldn’t have to clear their browser history after searching words like bondage or spanking, yet this is so often the case. In fact, the topic is so seemingly taboo that even when one begins to embrace it, there are so many incorrect assumptions from the start.
Imagine what your partner would think if you searched for something like <GASP!> bondage!
So I encourage you, dear reader, to get familiar with some kinky (and sexy) topics. To do this, I present you two articles, both pretty lighthearted, that will entertain and educate. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find something that tickles your fancy. Or tickles something else, even!
Your Pocket-Guide Glossary for the Swinger-Open-Poly Life
A Very Sexy Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Words
PS – I’ll be back with some specific kink-talk in future posts.