Getting Better at BDSM

I was a little disappointed to say goodbye to Brady but was actually more disappointed to give up what had seemed to be an exciting D/s relationship. I have clearly been seeking such an arrangement for some time by evidence of other potential connections and matches on the app that had, as of yet, yielded nothing.

However, more recently, I matched with Gary who has significant experience and knowledge in the D/s scene. In fact, while I was unaware of this until we met face-to-face, he actually teaches classes around the city and plans to write an instructional guidebook on the subject.

Needless to say, he was aghast when I shared my Brady story with him, but thankfully he recognized that I was aware of my mistakes and would be much wiser going forward. We had a lovely first date at a wine bar near Union Square and talked through our interests and desires in connection with life in general and BDSM in particular.

Continue reading Getting Better at BDSM

Second Date Syndrome

People often get anxious about first dates, worrying about what to wear or how to act. But, I actually look forward to them. For me, there is the excitement of meeting someone new and unknown. Yes, there is a little nervousness, but I’m not really that invested in the person yet. Plus, at worst, it’s a chance to get to know someone, have some fun and maybe do something interesting. And, if you’re lucky, a delicious, first kiss.

Rather, I think that second dates are actually much more anxiety-provoking. First, there is the fact that you now like the person enough to meet up with them again, so I feel the stress to not screw things up. And, while there’s certainly no written rule, in my experience thus far, the second date in the poly world is the sex date. Clearly, as per many posts here, I am not against having sex on the second date, but there is a lot of pressure and awkwardness that such an encounter brings.

Continue reading Second Date Syndrome

A Little MORE Conversation

While Elvis crooned, “A little less conversation, a little more action, please” and also – funnily enough in this context – went on to ask for “more bite” and “less fight,” it’s not exactly a recipe for success in BDSM.

Admittedly, although Viktor and I took a full-day course with Dom Om Rupani, once upon a time, we are still relatively new to the scene. And, I am more aware of my naivete now that I have had time to reflect on my encounter with Brady.

As I traveled home from our date, Brady texted me to thank me for a lovely evening and added, “Next time. Hopefully soon.” Nearly two weeks passed without comment, so I sent him a quick “Happy Friday.” He responded later that day, at which point I advised him that I was surprised not to have heard from him for a debrief of our scene. He apologized for the lack of communication, citing an upcoming deadline for his latest book along with planned travel.

While I acknowledged his busy schedule, I pushed back on my request for a debrief. He agreed, promised to be in touch upon his return home and followed up accordingly. We eventually arranged to meet for a drink on a Saturday afternoon at the King Cole Bar at the St. Regis Hotel (he apparently has a love of classic NYC hotels).

Continue reading A Little MORE Conversation

Innocent’ish

pexels-photo-991680.jpeg

I waited until I was 18 to lose my virginity; not ancient but not precocious either. I then married at age 26 with only a handful of serious sexual relationships in between. The next 15+ years were those with limited sex. I wouldn’t say that we had a sexless marriage per se, but perhaps more correctly an undersexed marriage. Therefore, I don’t feel as experienced as I might given my current age and feel very new to many aspects of sex itself aside from my journey into the realm of polyamory and an open marriage. So, I sometimes feel a little lost and unsure if I am “doing it right,” when I am with new partners who have more knowledge and exposure than I have.

All about that bass
You want to stick what where? What’s up with the fascination with anal sex? This has to be the most common question I am asked when we start talking about sexual likes and dislikes. I guess I am pretty sheltered in this regard because I didn’t realize how mainstream this seems to have become.

Continue reading Innocent’ish

The safe-word is…

As previously shared, I met Brady back in April and we had a fun first date. We bonded over cocktails, which led to an intense (and inappropriate) make-out session at an uptown lounge. When he expressed his desire to go out again, he indicated that he would prefer to go somewhere with more privacy (so as not to shock fellow patrons again) and shared that he wanted to spend more time with my sexy persona. I readily agreed and we picked a date for the following month given our mutually busy schedules.

We arranged to meet at an upscale bar (initially the Roosevelt Hotel rooftop lounge, which turned out to be closed for renovations), to give us the opportunity to reconnect after the four-week hiatus. I had been more casually dressed for our first date, so I made up for my error with an overtly sexy, black and nude, lace cocktail dress, which very much met with Brady’s approval.

Over drinks, Brady brought up the topic of a safe-word and stated that it would be… safe-word. I knew from our first date that he was into spanking, but we hadn’t discussed much else in the way of D/s play, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Plus, this was only our second time meeting each other, so I was both excited and nervous at the same time, not knowing precisely what was in store.

Continue reading The safe-word is…

Nights of twine and poses

A few days after our first date, Ryan came over after work to spend the night with me. Viktor was out of town on business, so he wouldn’t hijack our date this time around (wink) and it gave us a chance to get to know each other better and explore our intimacy further.

Upon Ryan’s arrival, I opened up a bottle of wine so we could relax into the evening and unwind from the day. It felt great to see him and be held and kissed and I had to reluctantly drag myself away to go to the kitchen for the wine.

Continue reading Nights of twine and poses

Good Vibrations

liliana-pereira-708261-unsplash.jpgI vaguely remember my first experience with masturbation as a teen – gently rubbing a pillow back and forth against my pussy. I know it felt good, but I don’t recall if I reached orgasm or not. A few years later I discovered the joys of the bathtub, propping my legs up on either side of the faucet and allowing the spray of water to hit me just right. This became my standard way of self-pleasuring with the bonus of being clean, effective and efficient; in the years that followed, I rarely stimulated myself manually.

Then, during my early years of my marriage, I had limited to no desire for sex of any kind including self-pleasure. Plus, in my head, it seemed wrong to indulge alone when I now had a partner (I’ve since drastically changed my stance on this), so I didn’t masturbate at all.

Eventually, I picked up the practice again, but it wasn’t until I took Mama Gena’s Mastery course in 2014 that I really started to explore self-pleasure. Soon after, I finally purchased my first vibrator, overcoming an irrational fear that it would hurt.

Continue reading Good Vibrations

Sex tips from Google

woman in black brassiere lying down on bed with rats

Unlike when I Googled “What to wear to a threesome,” or, later, “What to wear to a foursome” (equally unhelpful), Googling “What to wear to a sex date,” offers up numerous articles on the subject. For the most part, these articles recommend to avoid overly complex underwear, tricky clothing closures and heavy makeup.

[Side note: There are also some good articles on bringing up your menstrual cycle on a sex date, as I was still spotting a week after my period.]

In arranging my sex date with Jon, I had asked him for his preference among black, navy, pink and purple. He chose purple, so the lingerie choice was made. I then decided on thigh-high, black stockings (sexy and easier to deal with than tights), a black leather skirt with a big zipper running down the back (very easy to unzip and remove) and a velvet top (who doesn’t love touching velvet?). Unfortunately, since the light in the room was harsh, we kept the lights off, so the lingerie big reveal was less revealing, but he still appreciated the bra and panties (and me!).

Continue reading Sex tips from Google

Prelude to (more than) a kiss…

pexels-photo-1450155
On Tuesday night, Jon texted me: “Ice Cream? Wednesday or Friday?” I was excited that he was interested in seeing me again so soon, especially since we already had a date scheduled for Monday. Eventually, we realized that to make an ice cream meeting happen, we would need to twist ourselves into pretzels, so we abandoned the idea.

However, while I had his attention, I asked him if we were confirmed for Monday. He replied, yes. I then asked for details on the time and place because we had not discussed anything other than that it would be a daytime date on Monday.

He texted back:text…followed by an address (withheld for obvious reasons). Then, when I asked him what time I should arrive, he wrote, “We have from 10 to 6.” It was so fucking hot!
Continue reading Prelude to (more than) a kiss…

Friday Night Lights (& Fights)

heart shaped red neon signage

The Friday after my date with Jon, I met up with Jay who I had also met on the app. Jay suggested that we meet at one of his favorite Italian restaurants, which turned out to be a cute, neighborhood place with good food and great service.

Jay had arrived ahead of me (I so appreciated his punctuality) and after a few minutes of confusion, we found each other and he greeted me with warmth and enthusiasm. He had gotten himself a ginger-infused cocktail and advised me that the restaurant grated its own ginger. He offered me a taste of his and after the one sip I was sold. We were then whisked away to our table and immediately tumbled into various conversations. In fact, we got so engrossed in conversation that we had to force ourselves to take a break and look at the menu before the waiter returned yet another time to try and take our order.

Once our orders had been placed, we renewed our discussions, flowing fluidly from one topic to another, finding synergies in our current lives and relationships and otherwise connecting to one another. We also shared stories about our past experiences and adventures as they pertained to our own sexual journeys. It was a very enjoyable evening. Continue reading Friday Night Lights (& Fights)