Shit Just Got Real

After my date with Frank, I arrived home to find Viktor still awake. I filled him in on my evening and we talked about various topics. Eventually, we started discussing Justina. I was happy to hear about how well things were progressing with Viktor and Justina and was excited for their new relationship until…

In a somewhat casual, off-handed way, Viktor revealed that he was in love with Justina. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. It was such a visceral response. Wait, what? You just started dating two weeks ago and you are already in love with her? It hurt like hell and I began to cry. A steady trail of tears began to fall down my face; I felt fear and sadness and a host of other unnamed emotions.

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Attachment Theory

Months ago, Jon sent me a link to a dating article from Ask Men magazine. My first reaction to the article was that it was focused on Millennials who were unwilling to commit and thus didn’t apply to us because 1) we had both committed to our spouses and 2) neither of us is a Millennial. I probed him further and he explained that he wanted to know if I thought there was a concern about either of us becoming attached to our relationship, revealing that he and his previous play partner had said (and meant) I love you to one another.

I re-read the article, which provided guidance on how to keep things casual in a relationship, suggesting you limit the frequency you see one another and avoid romantic dates. Perhaps it was good advice, but I wondered… Which has greater influence on us: candlelight or cuddling?

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Reflections on Polyamorous Dating

Over the past two months, I have been busy meeting people and dating. There has been a lot of movement and, consequently, numerous learning experiences, but I also wanted to take a moment to reflect on some of the things that have come up for me during this period of time.

First, I want to address Viktor’s recent post to the topic of compersion, in which he questioned his jealousy with respect to my flurry of dating activity. I am convinced that he truly is experiencing compersion and that his jealousy is related, not to my being with another person, but rather, with what I have. In the same way that one might be jealous of someone having a fabulous car, a great vacation or even a cupcake. I can be jealous that you have a cupcake (because cupcakes are delicious, duh 😉) and not be at all jealous that you are sharing the cupcake with so and so or such and such. Accordingly, I want Viktor to have the same dating opportunities that I’ve had so that he can have his own cupcakes. But, as has been discussed, this is much more challenging for men than it seems to be for women in this lifestyle.

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Head Games

Sometimes my ability to truly be “in the moment” and appreciative can be waning. Other times I’ll allow my mind to wander into dangerous territory based on one small moment. In these moments I’ll start playing head games with myself. And I’m so “good” at it that I’ll even know what I’m doing without the ability to stop it. I might even start hearing Head Games by Foreigner, yet I still can’t stop it!

Head games are a great way to let the jealousy monster take over and, admittedly, I’m much better at avoiding this today than I was in my youth. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have those moments anymore. And, today, they can be more destructive than ever.

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