Falling In Love. All Over Again.

Polyamory isn’t always about wild orgies and sex parties. Maybe for some it is, but that’s not us. And that’s precisely why we started this blog, to present a different viewpoint that includes the highs and the lows of this exploration. Simply put, polyamory is complicated and rarely easy, and those in the lifestyle need to constantly balance the pros and cons; constantly evaluate if the pleasure is worth the pain.

This past week was one of those moments where it seemed to Jeannie and me that our poly journey might need to end. We were seriously wondering if the pleasure outweighed the pain as we hit a true low point on this journey. Jeannie spiraled quickly to a very dark place this week, but I’m happy to report that we’re coming out the other side successfully.

And we’re falling in love all over again!

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The Pain of Pleasure

As noted previously, the act of compersion is deriving pleasure from the pleasure that your partner receives from others. However, over the past several weeks, I haven’t been able to move beyond my own pain to focus on Viktor’s pleasure. Instead, I am feeling quite miserable and had been suicidal for a short time.

In truth, this month has been incredibly difficult for me. I thought I was finally in a really good place about Justina and Viktor, but then Viktor took Avalon to a BDSM party and now they are play partners.

Compared to a girlfriend, this should be easy for me. Yet it is still so hard. First off, when I got home after their play date, there was some confusion between Viktor and me because I thought I was going to have dinner with them, but due to various reasons, it didn’t work out and I felt left out. Also, they were in the den eating and watching TV, which is not a welcoming setting compared to if they had been sitting at the dining table.

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Houses and Hearts of Love

At the end of my emotional rollercoaster ride and my five first dates, I was exhausted. However, Justina, Viktor and I were scheduled to go to the House of Love party on Friday night. And, while I was a little nervous, I was very much looking forward to our first foray into the world as a polycule.

Our evening became a little more complicated when Gigi not only started dating Dan (who is now my employer as well as my friend), but also decided that they, too, would attend the House of Love party. We agreed to pre-game with them as is our usual plan with Gigi pre-House of Yes events.

In addition, friends Lane and Nolan who I had met on Feeld, but befriended instead, had taken me up on my invite and were excited, but anxious, to be there. Plus, my friend K, who had had an unhappy experience at the previous House of Love party, was giving it another go. So, there would be a big group of us there together.

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The Alchemy of Emotion

It’s amazing to think about how much has happened in just a few weeks! In late September, I was hit hard by Viktor’s revelation that he was in love with his new girlfriend, Justina. I took some time to recover from the shock, further bolstered by our wonderful weekend away in celebration of our 23rd wedding anniversary. I thought all was fine…until it wasn’t. From there, it was a deep dive into depression, with many crying jags, endless discussions and an emotional rollercoaster that truly threw me for a loop.

Eventually, I knew it was time to pick myself up and dust myself off, knowing that this painful place wasn’t where I wanted to be. I hated the selfish nature of what I was feeling and was very conscious about not derailing Viktor and Justina’s relationship. Yes, I was struggling with jealousy, envy, shame and doubt, but I knew that I needed to allow these emotions to move through my body if I was ever going to heal and move past them.
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I Love You! (or am I In Love With You?)

Jeannie recently posted “Emotional Rollercoasters and Shame Spirals: When Compersion Isn’t Enough” – It’s a very important part of our story and currently very raw and challenging. Yet, somehow, I’ve never felt closer to her; never more sure of our commitment and our bond. She’s struggling right now, having feelings or being discarded and used, and all I want to do is help alleviate those feelings. While I can provide a lot of emotional support, only Jeannie can process her emotions. Thankfully, because of our trust and communication, she hasn’t held back and has been asking me difficult questions. I may not want to hear them at first, but answering them has been so incredible helpful.

Before diving into the “love/in love” matter, I want to point out that there are at least two distinct things sending Jeannie down this shame spiral:

  • Disappointment in the lack of commitment from her partners (feeling used and discarded)
  • Dealing with my new found love for my girlfriend, Justina (jealousy and the painful potential that I might discard her)

I feel strongly that Jeannie was already concerned about the first point, but in reality it’s the second one that triggered the deep, dark, negative feelings she’s processing right now. And I get it, I’m sure I’d feel the same if she came home tomorrow and told me she’s in love with another. For this post, though, I’m separating the two and discussing only the topic within my control – my feelings toward Justina.

Continue reading I Love You! (or am I In Love With You?)

Emotional Rollercoasters and Shame Spirals: When Compersion Isn’t Enough

When Viktor first told me that he was in love with Justina, it hit me hard. It took me several weeks to process the intense emotions that were unleashed. I was very confused as to what I was specifically feeling and struggled to determine if I truly felt compersion for my partner despite saying that I did.

It hurt… a lot, and I wanted to make sense of everything so I could understand and move forward. Heal. On top of all of this, I was grappling with the loss of Sam. We had initially been texting three to four times a day with the added intensity of our sexting, which then dwindled to an occasional text every few days. What was up?

I missed the interaction with Sam, not just the fun, flirty, sexual innuendo (and the more overt conversations), but also the contact and friendship. Of course, I created all sorts of scenarios to explain Sam’s telephonic absence and tried in vain to stop thinking about him. I felt the loss acutely, which felt even more painful in light of Justina and Viktor’s budding romance. I felt so alone.

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Miami, Baby!

For our (23rd!!!) anniversary, we had originally planned to visit Turkey. But life got in the way and we needed to cancel those plans, so Jeannie decided that we should take the weekend to party in South Beach. Despite having lived in the Fort Lauderdale area for several years, I really never spent time in South Beach and Jeannie had been there for several Mama Gena weekends, so she knew her way around pretty well. We both agreed that South Beach has terrific sexy energy, and sexy people, so this would be the perfect backdrop to our celebration weekend.

Leading up to our anniversary, sooooooo much had happened that both Jeannie and I found ourselves with heads spinning and a little disconnected. Just a sampling of recent changes:

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