This has been an incredibly difficult two weeks as I struggle to make sense of where we are on this journey and how I am feeling about it. Mercury in Retrograde, my impending burlesque performance and continued Seasonal Affective Disorder have all conspired to make me even more emotional than usual. Consequently, I have been a rollercoaster of emotions yet again, driving Viktor (and likely others) understandably nuts, but throughout we have remained connected in our communication, no matter how painful or difficult.
A lot of things have come up for me recently and I have been doing a lot of journaling and writing, including penning a few blog posts that I am hesitant to publish. It’s scary to be so vulnerable and real when you know that your words impact others in your orbit.
I have also done a ton of Googling (and subsequent reading) on various poly topics in an attempt to better understand what this all means for Viktor and me. We didn’t exactly plan for all of this to happen – it just sort of did – and now we are dealing with the consequences, not all of which are bad, but all are new.
Continue reading The Calm After the Storm
Jeannie already covered this event from her point of view. Her story is spot on, but it can be fun to see it from another set of eyes. And I did have a few different experiences from her this time, so here we go.
It was a pretty amazing quickie!
Let me start from the end… Jeannie told the story of the after party sex that had to be rushed and called it a “pretty amazing quickie!” Nah, it was the best quickie ever! It was amazing sex in its own right – the fact that it was fast just made it that much more intense.
So there’s that – and it tells you alot about how positively charged the night was! Now for the rest of the story…
Continue reading He Said: House of Love Valentine’s Edition
In my last post, I mused, “Can I reclaim the fun [of this journey]?” Fortunately, the answer is a resounding Yes!
It had been a difficult and emotional week. In addition to feeling lonely and much less loved, I also had a heated discussion with Viktor on Thursday night. Of course, feeling less connected to one’s partner is never good, but it felt especially vulnerable in the run up to Valentine’s Day. Thankfully, by the conclusion of our intense conversation, I was more at ease with the situation and ready for the holiday.
This year for Valentine’s Day, we had decided to go to the House of Love party at House of Yes with Gigi. Given the event’s coincidence with the holiday, the theme was Red Haute. Despite planning my costume for weeks, the morning of Valentine’s Day, I was less excited about this year’s plans because last year had been so amazing (See this post and this one). Plus, my last venture to House of Love had not been a great success, so I had some trepidation about what the night would bring. Time would tell…
In spite of a less than enthusiastic outlook, I headed into my Friday with an upbeat attitude, which was rewarded in spades. My usual Friday S Factor class was great and I had an awesome dance, unlocking new emotions and finding new movement.
Continue reading House of Love: Valentine’s Day edition – Some Like it (Red) Haute!
Back in July, I expressed only a mild curiosity about anal sex, but more recently made the commitment to explore it more intentionally. To this end, Viktor purchased a set of butt plugs, so that we could start training my ass to receive his cock. Among our first trials of these implements, I had an amazingly orgasmic session (see my Blissed Out Beyond Belief post). It was an auspicious beginning for sure!
With such a positive introduction, I was happy to be on this journey and we continued to schedule time explicitly for this purpose. After several anal play dates, I became more comfortable with having something inserted into my ass and began to enjoy the pleasurable sensations that such stimulation provided.
On one such occasion, we left the plug inserted in my ass and proceeded to have penetrative sex. It was extremely intense and orgasmic to have the additional stimulation while having Goddess spot and clitoral stimulation. Although the plug ultimately fell out, it was a fun experience and confirmed why Mia was so partial to double penetration 😉.
Continue reading No Ands or Ifs, but definitely Butts!
While my last blog post decidedly ended on a positive note, in it I revealed a very dark side of emotions I was feeling. Admittedly, this Fall and Winter have been much more challenging for me on this journey compared to the lightness I experienced much of the previous year. As Mama Gena says, I have been playing ALL 88 keys (perhaps especially the sharps and flats). But, despite these negative experiences, I still believe that this journey continues to be a positive one for me and for us. Thus, I feel a renewed buoyancy as we slowly shift from the nadir of the Winter Solstice and welcome the sun’s return.
On that note, with the arrival of the new year and new decade, I am confident that Viktor and I are poised for great things in the year to come. I am encouraged by the amazing conversations and communication that we have had over the past several weeks. Yes, they have been difficult, if not downright painful, but we are yet again increasing our intimacy and strengthening our marital bond. Continue reading Out of the Darkness Into the Light
As noted previously, the act of compersion is deriving pleasure from the pleasure that your partner receives from others. However, over the past several weeks, I haven’t been able to move beyond my own pain to focus on Viktor’s pleasure. Instead, I am feeling quite miserable and had been suicidal for a short time.
In truth, this month has been incredibly difficult for me. I thought I was finally in a really good place about Justina and Viktor, but then Viktor took Avalon to a BDSM party and now they are play partners.
Compared to a girlfriend, this should be easy for me. Yet it is still so hard. First off, when I got home after their play date, there was some confusion between Viktor and me because I thought I was going to have dinner with them, but due to various reasons, it didn’t work out and I felt left out. Also, they were in the den eating and watching TV, which is not a welcoming setting compared to if they had been sitting at the dining table.
Continue reading The Pain of Pleasure
For 20+ years of monogamy, Jeannie was the only person that I kissed intimately. Right now, that’s kind of hard to imagine. See, I love kissing. For me, kissing is a simple, yet intimate act. It doesn’t require a lot of thought, or preparation, or protection. It’s fun and frisky and brings two people close together. And, don’t get me wrong – I love kissing Jeannie! And I could go back to just kissing her, no problem. Yet I do really enjoy kissing new partners and I’d rather not give that up.
What I’ve learned in the last year and a half of engaging with different partners is all but simple. Simply put, kissing is, well, complicated! If there is one given about kissing new partners it’s that there are no givens. I’ve learned that a kiss means so many different things to so many different people. And my not knowing that earlier really tripped me up a few times. It’s gotten better, but I’m still learning.
Here are my observations. (Warning – generalizations below based simply on my own experience. There no intention to stereotype here.)
Continue reading When a Kiss is Just a Kiss