Entering the Lion’s Gate

In early August, I had my first date with Lawrence, which I had been very much looking forward to since our initial connection on the dating app. We found a mutually convenient date and arranged to meet in his neighborhood. But, it wasn’t until I arrived at the restaurant and saw him coming down the stoop of the apartment building next door that I realized just how close to home it was. But, as I had joked with him earlier, I was happy to come to the East Village and thanked him for not living in Queens or Brooklyn 😊.

We immediately hit it off and jumped right into deep conversation, sharing stories and otherwise showing ourselves to one another. He also revealed that his birthday was the next day, which meant that he was astrologically a Leo. I had remembered that it was 8-8, the Lion’s Gate and noted the significance of this important date to him.

Continue reading Entering the Lion’s Gate

Safe, Sane, Consensual & Super Hot!

My first date with Gary went really well and we were both eager for me to explore BDSM in a more safe, sane and consensual manner than previously. Due to travel and other commitments, it was three weeks before we next met up, but in the interim there was a lot of texting back and forth. Some of it was simply planning logistics, but Gary also did a great job of giving me lots of information in the lead up to our date. Plus, his communication increased in frequency and intensity as the day got closer.

In fact, on the actual day of our date, the texts came more often and became more explicit, building excitement and anticipation. Starting at noon (we were meeting at 6pm), he began to count down the hours, sending a text on the hour, every hour, and connecting the number of hours to go with something sexual. With two hours to go, there was an extremely visceral response within my body to his text  “2….. words Yes Sir” at 5:00 PM. I was already looking forward to the date but now, I was even more turned on to see him!

We met up at my local wine bar for a lovely meal before heading to my apartment. At dinner and then afterward, we continued to tease out the details of what was to come. We agreed to a medley of activities that started with an “Intro to Impact Play 101.”

Continue reading Safe, Sane, Consensual & Super Hot!

Happy Polyversary: A Love Letter to Viktor

My dearest Viktor,

Wow! I can’t believe that this past year has flown by. It has been such an amazing experience to go on this polyamorous journey with you as we pushed, prodded and pulled our marriage in new and exciting ways. Even more unbelievable is how much this has brought us closer together, increased our intimacy and dramatically improved our sex lives!

Early on in our marriage, when I was convinced that I was “broken,” you stood by your conviction that you would rather be with me without sex than be with someone else with lots of sex. I even encouraged you to find a mistress, but you chose not to pursue this option. Instead, we found ways to maintain our connection and bond, but it was frustrating for both of us as we endured an undersexed marriage.

Continue reading Happy Polyversary: A Love Letter to Viktor

It’s Beauty and Rage

“But you saw more
You saw my deepest part
With the light of a thousand stars
You saw them, awake in me

And through your eyes
You show me everything
You woke me up inside
Brought back to life
I lost myself
Now I breathe again”

The title of this post comes from the refrain of one of my favorite songs to dance to in class: The Ever by Red. And, with this emphasis on rage, beauty, and haunting lyrics that speak to being seen, I thought it was perfectly apropos for sharing this experience.

Specifically, I had a profound dance at S Factor last weekend during an EC (Erotic Creature) Romp — a 4-hour, immersive workshop. During my first dance, I had my hands tied behind my back. It felt thrilling, straining against the binds — the yearning to touch, to break free…and the vulnerability of being bound and restrained. I pulled against the taut strings; it was like music being drawn out slowly through the air. I felt the raw depth of forcing my body into new shapes, breaking old/stagnant patterns and pushing against bonds and boundaries.

Continue reading It’s Beauty and Rage

Getting What You Deserve

As Jeannie and I approach our 1-year “poly-versary” we’ve been reflecting on this journey a lot lately. We’re also in a period of reflection as we’re noting pivot points in the relationships we’ve created; and we must lead them where we want them to go. To that end, some of those relationships may end.

One thing I’ve been reflecting on is Jeannie’s growth as an empowered and passionate woman with regard to dating. How she has managed herself, and her partners, is something I have been acutely aware of all along. And it has taken a few bumps, and a lot of patience on my part, to let Jeannie grow into what she is today.

Continue reading Getting What You Deserve

I’ve come a long way, baby

It’s hard to believe that almost a year has gone by since that first, fateful party, catapulting Viktor and me into a new chapter of our lives. When we first decided to pursue this journey, we knew that it would be a positive experience, but that really doesn’t sufficiently capture the profound impact that this past year has had on us as a couple and on me and my sexual awakening.

Almost ten years ago, I served as the anonymous interviewee (Charlotte – #5) for an article on sexual frequency in marriage in Self Magazine, August 2010. At the time, we admitted to having sex about once a month, but in reality, I think it was even less. And, this was after 13 years of marriage, which had been undersexed from the very beginning. I was shut down sexually – filled with shame, a lack of libido, and a general sense that wives (aka good girls) weren’t sexual beings. Rationally, I knew that these thoughts didn’t make sense, but I didn’t know how to overcome their negative influence.

Thankfully, despite the lack of intercourse, we still remained close with shared intimacy – kissing, cuddling, hugs and a sense of being loved. This was never at issue or in doubt! Thus, I was eager to share my story in the magazine to let other women know that they weren’t alone. But, while I was somewhat at peace with where things stood in my marriage and sex life, I knew I wanted so much more. Continue reading I’ve come a long way, baby

Sex Magic Revisited

I started and stopped writing this post numerous times because some of the autobiographical details were derailing my momentum. But, after much thought, I realized that they weren’t relevant to the story I wanted to tell. Suffice it to say, for various reasons, I had been feeling a bit off for about a week or so. In fact, there was almost an anxious, manic feeling and I felt driven to do something, but wasn’t sure what to do.

Among the things I did do, was return to the dating app in the hope of finding a date for the weekend since Viktor would be at raves on both Friday and Saturday nights.

In addition, I realized that in the wake of my Heteroflexible, Bi-curious or Bisexual post, I really did want to manifest my desire to be intimate with women, so I started to look more earnestly for possible matches in this regard as well.

After some online chatting, I made plans to meet up with a number of men, but two of the three dates were cancelled. And, then I had a weird virtual Dom from Ireland / possible scam incident, which was unsettling. Thus, by the end of the week, I was emotionally charged, but tried to push through as if everything was fine. Continue reading Sex Magic Revisited

Je ne regrette rien

On Friday, in my S Factor class, my teacher called me a Super Goddess and talked about how I had been revealing and, standing for, my truth over these past few months. It was perfectly timed feedback since she had also shared with us about the arrival of the New Moon that night and our ability to take advantage of that to set intentions for our future desires.

Coincidentally, when I got out of class, there was an email from Viktor, who had forwarded me a blog post about the New Moon from the Alchemist’s Kitchen. As I read the article, I was profoundly struck by this statement: “At the same time, we may be questioning what outmoded commitments and obligations are holding us back that we now need to break. However, this period is not about running away. Aries the Ram is confrontational, and we’re learning to face each other—to confront our feelings so we can work through the messier, illogical aspects of our lives and relationships.”

In addition to the New Moon synchronicity, this discussion was also apropos because I had reached out to Jay the night before. After everything that happened with Jay at the recent erotic party, I didn’t know precisely where things stood with him. I had followed up with him immediately after the party to apologize and received a brief response. Then, just prior to heading out on vacation, I asked him if I was persona non grata; he noted that he was not like that and wished me the best on our trip. However, I still didn’t know if he wanted to resume our relationship or not. And, frankly, I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him either. I just knew that things felt unfinished and I wanted to know his thoughts at the very least.

Continue reading Je ne regrette rien

My husband hijacked my date…and I really liked it!

I’ve been trying to figure out how to start this post because I initially encountered Ryan at the first erotic party I attended back in May. As the ropes master, Ryan was tying up party guests and introducing them to this Japanese sensual art. But, aside from my curiosity about Shibari, I didn’t give him a second thought. Afterwards, I had a slight pang of regret at not participating and resolved to do so at the next party, but, then chose not to spend the night waiting on the lengthy line (and ended up meeting Jake and Mia instead), so our paths still didn’t cross.

At the third party, Viktor met Ryan when Ryan tied up Marissa and they shared photos and a brief discussion on their shared interest in Shibari, but I wasn’t a part of those interactions. Thus, it wasn’t until my fourth party that I was introduced to Ryan officially. He had become friends with Jason and Beti, with whom we had connected before (and then met at) the party, and the five of us ended up hanging out around the fire pit.

As Ryan and I talked, I began to feel some chemistry and was very intrigued by him. Then, toward the end of the party, I had the exquisite pleasure of being bound and suspended by Ryan. I was definitely smitten, but figured I wouldn’t see him again until the next party. Fortunately, I was wrong.

Continue reading My husband hijacked my date…and I really liked it!

Compersion and Jealousy: Not Mutually Exclusive

Jeannie has been busy lately. Very busy! And while I’ve been a part of all of it, some physically, all emotionally, I have not been as personally active as she has. This past month has put a fine point on a few of the notable differences in how Jeannie and I are experiencing our sexual journeys. In this post:

  • Male and Female
  • Attention, Intimacy, Sex
  • Compersion and Jealousy

Continue reading Compersion and Jealousy: Not Mutually Exclusive