Shit Just Got Real

After my date with Frank, I arrived home to find Viktor still awake. I filled him in on my evening and we talked about various topics. Eventually, we started discussing Justina. I was happy to hear about how well things were progressing with Viktor and Justina and was excited for their new relationship until…

In a somewhat casual, off-handed way, Viktor revealed that he was in love with Justina. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. It was such a visceral response. Wait, what? You just started dating two weeks ago and you are already in love with her? It hurt like hell and I began to cry. A steady trail of tears began to fall down my face; I felt fear and sadness and a host of other unnamed emotions.

Continue reading Shit Just Got Real

Impostor Syndrome

I haven’t written to the blog in a couple of months and this tracks with an introspective period I’ve been going through. I’ve been having a lot of Impostor Syndrome feelings – as if I’m not being honest or genuine with myself or those around me. And while part of the way Jeannie and I explore polyamory and our sexuality includes having different personas to act out, I actually feel like I’m the most honest an genuine person I’ve ever been. Continue reading Impostor Syndrome

Entering the Lion’s Gate

In early August, I had my first date with Lawrence, which I had been very much looking forward to since our initial connection on the dating app. We found a mutually convenient date and arranged to meet in his neighborhood. But, it wasn’t until I arrived at the restaurant and saw him coming down the stoop of the apartment building next door that I realized just how close to home it was. But, as I had joked with him earlier, I was happy to come to the East Village and thanked him for not living in Queens or Brooklyn 😊.

We immediately hit it off and jumped right into deep conversation, sharing stories and otherwise showing ourselves to one another. He also revealed that his birthday was the next day, which meant that he was astrologically a Leo. I had remembered that it was 8-8, the Lion’s Gate and noted the significance of this important date to him.

Continue reading Entering the Lion’s Gate

Flux is a four-letter word and other lessons on letting go

I have a love/hate relationship with “to do” lists. On the one hand, I love the satisfaction of checking things off and getting things done. On the other hand, I hate the pressure of knowing that there are numerous tasks that have yet to get done. Plus, there is the frustration that you are never quite done; even once you’ve made an appointment to meet your friend for lunch there is still the chance that you’ll have to reschedule. But, generally, I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes with being productive and knowing that everything is in order or at least under my control.

And, while I haven’t put “Find a relationship or play partner” on my “to do” list, I still feel the compulsion to get this task done. I want to find myself in a place where I have a handful of steady play partners – and perhaps even a boyfriend (see: Attachment Theory) – and know that I can stop looking online or elsewhere to “fill” these “vacancies.”

Continue reading Flux is a four-letter word and other lessons on letting go

Attachment Theory

Months ago, Jon sent me a link to a dating article from Ask Men magazine. My first reaction to the article was that it was focused on Millennials who were unwilling to commit and thus didn’t apply to us because 1) we had both committed to our spouses and 2) neither of us is a Millennial. I probed him further and he explained that he wanted to know if I thought there was a concern about either of us becoming attached to our relationship, revealing that he and his previous play partner had said (and meant) I love you to one another.

I re-read the article, which provided guidance on how to keep things casual in a relationship, suggesting you limit the frequency you see one another and avoid romantic dates. Perhaps it was good advice, but I wondered… Which has greater influence on us: candlelight or cuddling?

Continue reading Attachment Theory