Out of the Darkness Into the Light

While my last blog post decidedly ended on a positive note, in it I revealed a very dark side of emotions I was feeling. Admittedly, this Fall and Winter have been much more challenging for me on this journey compared to the lightness I experienced much of the previous year. As Mama Gena says, I have been playing ALL 88 keys (perhaps especially the sharps and flats). But, despite these negative experiences, I still believe that this journey continues to be a positive one for me and for us. Thus, I feel a renewed buoyancy as we slowly shift from the nadir of the Winter Solstice and welcome the sun’s return.

On that note, with the arrival of the new year and new decade, I am confident that Viktor and I are poised for great things in the year to come. I am encouraged by the amazing conversations and communication that we have had over the past several weeks. Yes, they have been difficult, if not downright painful, but we are yet again increasing our intimacy and strengthening our marital bond. Continue reading Out of the Darkness Into the Light

Falling In Love. All Over Again.

Polyamory isn’t always about wild orgies and sex parties. Maybe for some it is, but that’s not us. And that’s precisely why we started this blog, to present a different viewpoint that includes the highs and the lows of this exploration. Simply put, polyamory is complicated and rarely easy, and those in the lifestyle need to constantly balance the pros and cons; constantly evaluate if the pleasure is worth the pain.

This past week was one of those moments where it seemed to Jeannie and me that our poly journey might need to end. We were seriously wondering if the pleasure outweighed the pain as we hit a true low point on this journey. Jeannie spiraled quickly to a very dark place this week, but I’m happy to report that we’re coming out the other side successfully.

And we’re falling in love all over again!

Continue reading Falling In Love. All Over Again.

The Pain of Pleasure

As noted previously, the act of compersion is deriving pleasure from the pleasure that your partner receives from others. However, over the past several weeks, I haven’t been able to move beyond my own pain to focus on Viktor’s pleasure. Instead, I am feeling quite miserable and had been suicidal for a short time.

In truth, this month has been incredibly difficult for me. I thought I was finally in a really good place about Justina and Viktor, but then Viktor took Avalon to a BDSM party and now they are play partners.

Compared to a girlfriend, this should be easy for me. Yet it is still so hard. First off, when I got home after their play date, there was some confusion between Viktor and me because I thought I was going to have dinner with them, but due to various reasons, it didn’t work out and I felt left out. Also, they were in the den eating and watching TV, which is not a welcoming setting compared to if they had been sitting at the dining table.

Continue reading The Pain of Pleasure

A Question of Balance

I’ve had a lot of rewarding experiences lately; to recap just a few weeks:

And most recently, I took Avalon, another first timer, to a BDSM party and had an absolutely amazing experience. I tied her, teased her with some tactile toys, and flogged her. She reached a decent sub space and we spoke several times over the next few days as she rode a euphoria that she’d never felt before. Now four days out, she’s back to “normal life” with a new grounding in herself that is helping her cope with some depression. It’s such a beautiful thing!

While most of these experiences have been non-sexual, Jeannie and I are having the best sex of our lives together!

Continue reading A Question of Balance

A Confluence of Conversations

We are constantly having a flurry of conversations with others… and with ourselves. Even if it’s just in our head. And, despite the fact that there is only one person involved in such discussions, they, too, can be contentious or at least less than straightforward.

For our first date outside meeting at the BDSM party, Austin came over to our apartment for a scene . I was clear with him up front that I didn’t know if I would want to have sex with him. He was okay with this, so we agreed to proceed. That evening, we had a four-hour scene with rope and sensual play, taking turns as Dom/Mistress and sub. Things did become very physical, but I deliberately chose not to engage in penetrative sex because I didn’t really know him and I wasn’t sure where things were going with us. Was this date simply a one night stand?

I was still unsure what I wanted to happen on our second date, but knew that I wanted to get to know him better. Thus, I requested a non-scene date. He offered to cook me dinner and go to a paint and sip event near his apartment.

We had a lovely dinner and then snuggled and kissed for a bit afterwards before heading to the art event. We then returned to his apartment and got cozy on his bed. Things progressed with time and we were eventually both naked and enjoying each other’s bodies, but I told him that I wasn’t sure I wanted to have sex. As we continued to tease and turn each other on, I began to have an in-depth conversation in my head.

Continue reading A Confluence of Conversations

More Non-Sexual Intimacy

After my amazing and intimate experience dancing the other night, I was looking forward to my next date with Justina just three nights later. She’d been really busy and I wasn’t feeling as closely connected as before, so I welcomed this alone time to reconnect. She made it clear to me earlier that day that she wasn’t in a very sexy mood. And since we’d mostly planned on cuddles and snuggles, I was fine removing sex from the menu. Especially at a time when I was channeling so much non-sexual energy, it seemed everything was aligned.

We spent most of the evening snuggled on her couch watching a movie. We also talked and caught up on lots of things simply because we hadn’t had time over the last few weeks. This was all quite nice, and very relaxing, but things didn’t really click (for me at least) until it was getting quite late. This was a “school night” after all!

Continue reading More Non-Sexual Intimacy

And, I’m back!

After the exhaustion of the previous three weeks and the weird House of Love party, I was confused. What was next and what did I really want to happen? I was just about to give up and take a break, but fortunately life had other plans, putting me back on track and back into my body.

I kicked off the week with a friend for happy hour, setting the stage for a good mood all around. Then, on Tuesday night, we had plans to go to a BDSM Party with T. I was so thrilled to be embarking on this journey with her, shepherding her exploration. We all set intentions on the subway there, putting forth three desires each. My desires were: 1) to stay awake (since I had been up since 3am); 2) to play in some way at the party; and 3) to interact and flirt with others.

As we walked into the venue, I was overcome with anxiety, but tried to push past it. We were immediately welcomed into the event and soon met a number of people, actively engaging in various conversations. I saw that T was taken care of as she talked at length with the organizer and I knew that Viktor could fend for himself, so I relaxed and enjoyed meeting new people and observing a few kink scenes from the sidelines.

Continue reading And, I’m back!

Houses and Hearts of Love

At the end of my emotional rollercoaster ride and my five first dates, I was exhausted. However, Justina, Viktor and I were scheduled to go to the House of Love party on Friday night. And, while I was a little nervous, I was very much looking forward to our first foray into the world as a polycule.

Our evening became a little more complicated when Gigi not only started dating Dan (who is now my employer as well as my friend), but also decided that they, too, would attend the House of Love party. We agreed to pre-game with them as is our usual plan with Gigi pre-House of Yes events.

In addition, friends Lane and Nolan who I had met on Feeld, but befriended instead, had taken me up on my invite and were excited, but anxious, to be there. Plus, my friend K, who had had an unhappy experience at the previous House of Love party, was giving it another go. So, there would be a big group of us there together.

Continue reading Houses and Hearts of Love

Getting Crumbs and Gaining Clarity

I generally go to my S Factor class or on Wednesday nights and, on occasion, will schedule plans for after class. The first time I met Eric we had arranged just that.

Unfortunately, on my way to class, the subway decided to be very wonky going local (or as I like to call it, SLOWcal) instead of express. Thus, I arrived downtown way too late to make it in time. I was very disappointed to miss class and texted Viktor about what had happened. He was sympathetic and invited me to meet up with him and his colleague for drinks at our favorite Champagne bar. I was able to join them for bubbles and light bites, having a fun time despite the frustration at missing class.

At that point, I still had plans with Eric, but we had not arranged where to meet. I was feeling somewhat annoyed and contemplated canceling when he texted to say that he was running late and would 8:50 work instead of our initial time of 8:30. Still on the fence, I consulted Viktor and his friend and we agreed that I would take a playful approach.

Continue reading Getting Crumbs and Gaining Clarity

The Alchemy of Emotion

It’s amazing to think about how much has happened in just a few weeks! In late September, I was hit hard by Viktor’s revelation that he was in love with his new girlfriend, Justina. I took some time to recover from the shock, further bolstered by our wonderful weekend away in celebration of our 23rd wedding anniversary. I thought all was fine…until it wasn’t. From there, it was a deep dive into depression, with many crying jags, endless discussions and an emotional rollercoaster that truly threw me for a loop.

Eventually, I knew it was time to pick myself up and dust myself off, knowing that this painful place wasn’t where I wanted to be. I hated the selfish nature of what I was feeling and was very conscious about not derailing Viktor and Justina’s relationship. Yes, I was struggling with jealousy, envy, shame and doubt, but I knew that I needed to allow these emotions to move through my body if I was ever going to heal and move past them.
Continue reading The Alchemy of Emotion