desire – Page 3 – Summer of Sexiness

Life is but a Dream…hotel

For our third date, Tim asked if I wanted to go somewhere trendy or more sedate. I chose trendy and we arranged to meet at the rooftop bar at the Dream Hotel Downtown. The weather was perfect and I found Tim sitting at a table on the balcony, with amazing views of the New York City skyline.

It had been a few weeks since we had seen each other and we warmly greeted one another and then Tim presented me with a gift… stockings from Agent Provocateur. It was a sexy start to the evening.

We enjoyed a few drinks and had fun catching up with each other. Then Tim suggested that we go to dinner and offered me some choices in the neighborhood. We decided to go to Buddakan, headed over to the restaurant and proceeded to have a delicious meal.

After dinner, we started walking back to the hotel. I was a little tipsy and wasn’t paying close attention, thinking that we were going back to the rooftop for another drink or two. Then suddenly I realized that we were heading to a room. Beautifully executed!

Continue reading Life is but a Dream…hotel

All’s Well that Ends Well

Even though Tim is a relatively new addition to my dating life, to talk about him, I have to go back to the beginning. I initially met him at the first party and really enjoyed his company. We connected again at the next month’s party when we coincidentally sat next to each other on the subway. We both kept glancing over unsure if we had or hadn’t met and each equally uncomfortable to ask the other if we had met before…at an erotic party!

At the end of the June event, I was disappointed that he didn’t ask for my number but chalked it up to the fact that he likely presumed that I was with Hank. But, despite his seemingly limited interest, I thought about him and contrived to go to his favorite bar on an evening when I had dressed up and just had my hair done.

Upon arrival at the bar, I did see him, but wasn’t sure there was sufficient interest/ friendship to walk over and say hello. Eventually, I did resolve to go over to talk to him, but by then he was conversing with a young, blonde woman and I wasn’t comfortable to interrupt. Thus, I settled in at the bar, had a delicious drink, met some guys (who were nice, but were decidedly NOT Tim) and consequently went home a bit disappointed. Continue reading All’s Well that Ends Well

Happy Polyversary: A Love Letter to Viktor

My dearest Viktor,

Wow! I can’t believe that this past year has flown by. It has been such an amazing experience to go on this polyamorous journey with you as we pushed, prodded and pulled our marriage in new and exciting ways. Even more unbelievable is how much this has brought us closer together, increased our intimacy and dramatically improved our sex lives!

Early on in our marriage, when I was convinced that I was “broken,” you stood by your conviction that you would rather be with me without sex than be with someone else with lots of sex. I even encouraged you to find a mistress, but you chose not to pursue this option. Instead, we found ways to maintain our connection and bond, but it was frustrating for both of us as we endured an undersexed marriage.

Continue reading Happy Polyversary: A Love Letter to Viktor

I’ve come a long way, baby

It’s hard to believe that almost a year has gone by since that first, fateful party, catapulting Viktor and me into a new chapter of our lives. When we first decided to pursue this journey, we knew that it would be a positive experience, but that really doesn’t sufficiently capture the profound impact that this past year has had on us as a couple and on me and my sexual awakening.

Almost ten years ago, I served as the anonymous interviewee (Charlotte – #5) for an article on sexual frequency in marriage in Self Magazine, August 2010. At the time, we admitted to having sex about once a month, but in reality, I think it was even less. And, this was after 13 years of marriage, which had been undersexed from the very beginning. I was shut down sexually – filled with shame, a lack of libido, and a general sense that wives (aka good girls) weren’t sexual beings. Rationally, I knew that these thoughts didn’t make sense, but I didn’t know how to overcome their negative influence.

Thankfully, despite the lack of intercourse, we still remained close with shared intimacy – kissing, cuddling, hugs and a sense of being loved. This was never at issue or in doubt! Thus, I was eager to share my story in the magazine to let other women know that they weren’t alone. But, while I was somewhat at peace with where things stood in my marriage and sex life, I knew I wanted so much more. Continue reading I’ve come a long way, baby

Sex Magic Revisited

I started and stopped writing this post numerous times because some of the autobiographical details were derailing my momentum. But, after much thought, I realized that they weren’t relevant to the story I wanted to tell. Suffice it to say, for various reasons, I had been feeling a bit off for about a week or so. In fact, there was almost an anxious, manic feeling and I felt driven to do something, but wasn’t sure what to do.

Among the things I did do, was return to the dating app in the hope of finding a date for the weekend since Viktor would be at raves on both Friday and Saturday nights.

In addition, I realized that in the wake of my Heteroflexible, Bi-curious or Bisexual post, I really did want to manifest my desire to be intimate with women, so I started to look more earnestly for possible matches in this regard as well.

After some online chatting, I made plans to meet up with a number of men, but two of the three dates were cancelled. And, then I had a weird virtual Dom from Ireland / possible scam incident, which was unsettling. Thus, by the end of the week, I was emotionally charged, but tried to push through as if everything was fine. Continue reading Sex Magic Revisited

Heteroflexible, Bi-curious or Bisexual?

When I first set up my dating app profile, I listed myself as heteroflexible. However, the more I explore and play, I am not sure if that is the correct label, while, at the same time, recognizing that people don’t fall into discrete categories or labels anyway, regardless of the topic.

That being said, you do have to choose something, so I have been thinking about what makes the most sense and is the most truthful. My initial feelings for choosing heteroflexible was because while I am interested in being physical with a woman, I really don’t have any experience in being sexually intimate with a woman. Yes, I have been in a threesome with Jake and Mia and played with Mia a bit during that encounter, but I still haven’t gone down on a woman and I worry about truth in advertising (over-promising and thus, potentially, under-delivering), as it were. But, lately, my hesitancy in continuing to use this term is that it doesn’t fully convey my interest and desire in being with a woman; I am not just willing to be flexible, I have an outright desire to be intimate with a woman. And, I wonder if some women are overlooking me because heteroflexible doesn’t speak to them sufficiently. Continue reading Heteroflexible, Bi-curious or Bisexual?

Je ne regrette rien

On Friday, in my S Factor class, my teacher called me a Super Goddess and talked about how I had been revealing and, standing for, my truth over these past few months. It was perfectly timed feedback since she had also shared with us about the arrival of the New Moon that night and our ability to take advantage of that to set intentions for our future desires.

Coincidentally, when I got out of class, there was an email from Viktor, who had forwarded me a blog post about the New Moon from the Alchemist’s Kitchen. As I read the article, I was profoundly struck by this statement: “At the same time, we may be questioning what outmoded commitments and obligations are holding us back that we now need to break. However, this period is not about running away. Aries the Ram is confrontational, and we’re learning to face each other—to confront our feelings so we can work through the messier, illogical aspects of our lives and relationships.”

In addition to the New Moon synchronicity, this discussion was also apropos because I had reached out to Jay the night before. After everything that happened with Jay at the recent erotic party, I didn’t know precisely where things stood with him. I had followed up with him immediately after the party to apologize and received a brief response. Then, just prior to heading out on vacation, I asked him if I was persona non grata; he noted that he was not like that and wished me the best on our trip. However, I still didn’t know if he wanted to resume our relationship or not. And, frankly, I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him either. I just knew that things felt unfinished and I wanted to know his thoughts at the very least.

Continue reading Je ne regrette rien

The Importance of Being Earnest

My fifth erotic party was yet again another adventure, filled with unexpected plot twists and turns. Several weeks ago, Jay expressed an interest in attending (after I had shared about the previous parties) and had asked me if I would like to go with him as a couple. I immediately replied yes and looked forward to the event. The theme was Alice in Wonderland: Down the Bunny Hole. I asked him “Alice or Queen of Hearts?” He replied: Alice, to which Viktor then told me that he no longer liked Jay – but, of course, he was only kidding.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men…
Jokes aside, I actually decided that the Queen of Hearts persona was more my style and had fun planning my costume. A few days before the party, Jay and I met for coffee to discuss our intentions and desires for the event. We agreed that full nudity and intercourse at the party was not on the menu because I hadn’t felt comfortable with this idea at the other parties; the thought of being so vulnerable in such a public place filled with me dread, not desire.

We also determined that we were going to go together but with the understanding that we would be free to hang out separately on occasion and that we would check in with one another as the evening proceeded. I told him about Ryan, who would once again be demonstrating Shibari at the party. He had heard about my suspension session with Ryan at the February party, but I now impressed upon him that things had progressed and he seemed OK with it, noting the way I talked about him (Ryan). I also advised Jay that Jake and Mia would be at the party so he wouldn’t be blindsided, as I had had a text from them earlier in the evening, letting me know that they would be in attendance.

Continue reading The Importance of Being Earnest

Sex and Candy

Three weeks to the day of our first meeting, Jay and I had our first intimate encounter. Given the close connection we have had since that initial 5-hour date and his insight from reading this blog, I was very much looking forward to what would happen between us. I was not disappointed.

We met for a lovely dinner in the neighborhood and enjoyed catching up with each other. Earlier in the day, I had texted him that I had chosen to dance to the song Sex & Candy in my S Factor class, since I knew that he had a connection to the song. It was only after I hit send that I realized the double-entendre of my message.
Continue reading Sex and Candy

Good Vibrations

I vaguely remember my first experience with masturbation as a teen – gently rubbing a pillow back and forth against my pussy. I know it felt good, but I don’t recall if I reached orgasm or not. A few years later I discovered the joys of the bathtub, propping my legs up on either side of the faucet and allowing the spray of water to hit me just right. This became my standard way of self-pleasuring with the bonus of being clean, effective and efficient; in the years that followed, I rarely stimulated myself manually.

Then, during my early years of my marriage, I had limited to no desire for sex of any kind including self-pleasure. Plus, in my head, it seemed wrong to indulge alone when I now had a partner (I’ve since drastically changed my stance on this), so I didn’t masturbate at all.

Eventually, I picked up the practice again, but it wasn’t until I took Mama Gena’s Mastery course in 2014 that I really started to explore self-pleasure. Soon after, I finally purchased my first vibrator, overcoming an irrational fear that it would hurt.

Continue reading Good Vibrations