Tag: bdsm

Yoga, BDSM, Mindfulness, and Flow (Oh, My!)

I recently tuned in to a conversation on kink and trauma with Somatic Witch. Kink and mental health is a fascinating topic; and a rabbit hole that I’ve begun to curiously, and cautiously, venture into. When Jeannie and I first took a D/s workshop with Om Rupani he discussed this early in the day. He said that BDSM, done correctly, can help participants work through past trauma – but also cautioned at the dangers within if done incorrectly. We took that workshop many years ago and hadn’t ever thought about this before, but it certainly made sense. Since that time we’ve both experienced this firsthand.

Much is said about subspace which is the altered mental state that a submissive or bottom can enter during a BDSM scene. In the conversation with Somatic Witch she said that one of the reasons a sub can heal previous trauma is because subspace is a space of mindfulness. I was initially a bit confused because I’ve tried to get Jeannie into subspace as a way for her to “get out of her head.” Yet mindfulness, to me, seems like being very much in your mind, or in your head. Yet the more I dug into this, the more sense it made despite the appearance of contradiction.

Continue reading Yoga, BDSM, Mindfulness, and Flow (Oh, My!)

When Ropes Go (Hysterically) Wrong

When I unfurled the first rope to begin our scene and the tails knocked over a glass of wine, I should have taken it as a sign that this wasn’t going to be my night.

My friend Layla was interested in being tied. Unlike previous partners, her interest was mostly in the aesthetic of tying and the beauty of the rope. Her unique perspective drove my desire to get her to an event. Since I’m more into the sensual nature of tying and also the aesthetics, I thought this would be a perfect fit. Turned out to be more like to stubborn Taurus’s butting heads.

I took her to a BDSM party and it was a lot of fun, but the night went way differently than I hoped. For example, I didn’t really consider what she does for a living and how this might impact her in a rope scene. She works in theater production and, among other things, is often rigging people or things for the stage. So she was bringing a level of technical knowledge into the scene that I’d never experienced before. And she kept asking about what I was doing with the rope.

Continue reading When Ropes Go (Hysterically) Wrong

Intersection of Kink and Sex

I’ve shared a lot of thoughts lately about kink and intimacy and energy without sex. So what about the intersection of kink and sex? When is this appropriate and what are the guidelines?

It’s a tricky topic. I remember telling a friend who is pretty vanilla but curious how kink scenes are distinct activities. She said, “so, wait, there’s no sex?” And I remember struggling to answer this. For me, most kink scenes are separate from sexual encounters, even if sex may follow a scene. This is very partner dependent, but for me, a kink scene requires aftercare before there is sex. And so far this was almost always the case for me – negotiation, scene, aftercare, possibility of sex.

What happens when they get mixed? Continue reading Intersection of Kink and Sex

A Question of Balance

I’ve had a lot of rewarding experiences lately; to recap just a few weeks:

And most recently, I took Avalon, another first timer, to a BDSM party and had an absolutely amazing experience. I tied her, teased her with some tactile toys, and flogged her. She reached a decent sub space and we spoke several times over the next few days as she rode a euphoria that she’d never felt before. Now four days out, she’s back to “normal life” with a new grounding in herself that is helping her cope with some depression. It’s such a beautiful thing!

While most of these experiences have been non-sexual, Jeannie and I are having the best sex of our lives together!

Continue reading A Question of Balance

And, I’m back!

After the exhaustion of the previous three weeks and the weird House of Love party, I was confused. What was next and what did I really want to happen? I was just about to give up and take a break, but fortunately life had other plans, putting me back on track and back into my body.

I kicked off the week with a friend for happy hour, setting the stage for a good mood all around. Then, on Tuesday night, we had plans to go to a BDSM Party with T. I was so thrilled to be embarking on this journey with her, shepherding her exploration. We all set intentions on the subway there, putting forth three desires each. My desires were: 1) to stay awake (since I had been up since 3am); 2) to play in some way at the party; and 3) to interact and flirt with others.

As we walked into the venue, I was overcome with anxiety, but tried to push past it. We were immediately welcomed into the event and soon met a number of people, actively engaging in various conversations. I saw that T was taken care of as she talked at length with the organizer and I knew that Viktor could fend for himself, so I relaxed and enjoyed meeting new people and observing a few kink scenes from the sidelines.

Continue reading And, I’m back!

A Kinky Reset

October was quite a month. Jeannie continued seeking a boyfriend. The girlfriend relationship I’d (gladly) stumbled upon got very real. Jeannie and I celebrated our anniversary and reconnected in Miami. We had intense conversations about love and being in love. And I fell into one of my mental spirals allowing my mind to make up terrible stories based on absolutely zero reality. Through all of this we were on an emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows.

As we entered November, we were feeling a bit drained, but also very encouraged that this series of ups and downs were complete. We also had to step it up a bit because our friend T would be in town and we had some fun plans in store. T recently decided she wanted to explore kink and asked if we could find some events or activities where she could get her feet wet.

We found an event and the evening became so much more than any of us could have hoped!

Continue reading A Kinky Reset

Collared!

As shared previously, Gary and I met on Feeld back in July with the direct goal for us to engage in a D/s relationship. I had truly been desiring to explore my submissive side in a safe, sane, consensual way and was thrilled to have manifested my very own Dom!

While I haven’t documented all of our encounters, we have seen each other somewhat consistently since then, each time getting to know each other better and often delving into another aspect of D/s play.

During this time, Viktor had heard a lot about Gary, but it was only a few weeks ago that they had a chance to meet. One Saturday, we had planned to go to the Sex Expo, and since Gary would also be attending, we arranged to meet up for lunch. The day became even more complex once we realized that Justina (Viktor’s girlfriend) would also be there.
Continue reading Collared!

Safe, Sane, Consensual & Super Hot!

My first date with Gary went really well and we were both eager for me to explore BDSM in a more safe, sane and consensual manner than previously. Due to travel and other commitments, it was three weeks before we next met up, but in the interim there was a lot of texting back and forth. Some of it was simply planning logistics, but Gary also did a great job of giving me lots of information in the lead up to our date. Plus, his communication increased in frequency and intensity as the day got closer.

In fact, on the actual day of our date, the texts came more often and became more explicit, building excitement and anticipation. Starting at noon (we were meeting at 6pm), he began to count down the hours, sending a text on the hour, every hour, and connecting the number of hours to go with something sexual. With two hours to go, there was an extremely visceral response within my body to his text  “2….. words Yes Sir” at 5:00 PM. I was already looking forward to the date but now, I was even more turned on to see him!

We met up at my local wine bar for a lovely meal before heading to my apartment. At dinner and then afterward, we continued to tease out the details of what was to come. We agreed to a medley of activities that started with an “Intro to Impact Play 101.”

Continue reading Safe, Sane, Consensual & Super Hot!

Third Date’s A Charm

On our last date, Matt and I took advantage of his children’s visit to grandma and grandpa’s and he hosted us at his home in Queens. Since his children are usually at home (obviously), I invited him to come to my apartment for our third date. Unfortunately, we were unable to capitalize on Viktor’s quick trip to Europe, but we arranged to meet up on a recent Monday night and Viktor agreed to go to the movies, thus giving us some time alone.

Matt arrived in a torrential downpour, which I chose to see as nostalgic of our first date (on which it had rained). I welcomed him in and gave him a tour of our home. In the lead up to our date, we had decided to conduct research on BDSM and compare notes. I wasn’t sure how seriously he would take the “assignment,” but I took it to heart, writing up a formal document complete with images and a bibliography. I plied Matt with wine and we sat down to a lively discussion on this topic, filling in gaps in each other’s research and generally enjoying the connections we were drawing between the past and present, as we learned more about the history of BDSM.

Continue reading Third Date’s A Charm

Book Report: The History of BDSM

As we seek to increase our understanding and knowledge of BDSM, Viktor shared an article with me, which I also sent along to Matt. He was pleased to learn more since he is very new to kink and BDSM. In response to reading the article, he posited the question:

Is [BDSM] a new thing? Did it exist in ancient times? Or is it only a byproduct of the Industrial Age giving rise to leisure time? Because it’s a world full of rules and shared terminology…who’s writing the rules?”

His query piqued my interest and I advised him of my desire to find out. He also expressed interest in pursuing the question and then sharing the information, so I suggested that we write “book reports” which would be due on our next date.

Here is my report:

While the term BDSM, which comprises the activities of Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism is a more modern acronym, historical evidence through archeology, art and architecture provides proof that BDSM did, in fact, exist in ancient – very ancient – times. In addition, cultural evidence in the guise of books, magazines, comics and movies (and now the Internet) offers up further guidance on how BDSM has evolved and changed as a consequence of human cultural evolution.
 Continue reading Book Report: The History of BDSM