The Lost Art of R-E-S-P-E-C-T

RespectWe’ve long known that chivalry is dead, but what happened to plain old respect? Aretha Franklin sang about it and Rodney Dangerfield complained that he never got any, but is it really too much to ask?

As we have waded into the dating waters in the past several months (read Viktor’s account), I have encountered numerous instances where people clearly no longer make respect a priority in how they interact with people. And, yes, I know that I have high standards, but I don’t think that in this case I am asking for too much.

For example, at Sally’s recent party, we had the pleasure of meeting Marni. She enjoyed spending time with Viktor at the event and expressed that she was bi-curious. Viktor and I agreed that we were interested in seeing where things might lead, so we invited her out to dinner so we all could get to know one another better.

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Unicornicopia!(And Conjured Desires)

Friday after Thanksgiving Jeannie had a date scheduled with Dan, so the night was mine. With no specific events in the kink community scheduled that I wanted to attend, I looked for a fun night of music and dance.

Last time I was at House of Yes it was for a House of Love part (see: He Said: Welcome to the House of Love) and that night didn’t really go as planned. This time, House of Yes was advertising its 3rd annual Unicornicopia party with the dress code:

Unicorns, mythical creatures of many horns, glitter, glitz and glam.

With a lineup of local DJs that I enjoy, this seemed like the perfect event. Now, technically, this was not a House of Love party, so it wasn’t exactly a redo from last time. However, House of Yes really does promote a “place of yes” where attendees can meet new people and try new things that may be somewhat outside their comfort zone. And as I learned from my first erotic party (see: Masquerade: What Lies Beneath?) setting intentions and desires effectively can make all the difference.

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An Overnight Date with Dan

black and grey bedspread on bed and pillow

The last time Dan took me out was on a Monday night and while we both had a great time, we had to cut things short since it was a “school night.” Thus, Dan was keen to schedule our next date on a Saturday. We ultimately ended up planning to meet up on the Friday after Thanksgiving, since it served the same purpose in that we didn’t have to wake up early the next day.

I texted Dan a week before our date and noted that I was looking forward to seeing him and wondered if there was a specific plan yet. He asked if a traditional dinner date would be acceptable and I readily agreed since I didn’t have any other ideas at the time.

We arranged to meet at a restaurant called Manhattan Cricket Club that had been recommended to me by a friend. Dan arrived a few minutes ahead of me and scoped out the process of getting upstairs. Thus, we enjoyed a lovely dinner downstairs, replete with oysters and fun cocktails, before we were whisked away to a dark room at the top of the stairs.
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Strange Bedfellows: Reflections on my date with Dan

water architecture colourful church

In the past several weeks since our date, I have been trying to process what happened and how I feel about it. I was fine in the moment and don’t have any regrets, but I think that I had expected more chemistry between Dan and me, so the fact that it wasn’t as sexually satisfying for me was a surprise. And, more puzzling, when I initially reminisced about the actual events, I had a weird feeling – an embarrassment by the intimacy I shared with Dan. This had faded with time, but was both uncomfortable and  interesting to me as I explored it further.

Although the saying is that familiarity breeds contempt, which isn’t literally applicable, I do wonder if familiarity added to the awkwardness since we do know each so other well. I think it can be a challenge to transition a platonic relationship to a sexual one, after so many years of friendship. And, yet, we don’t actually know each other. Yes, we’ve been friends for decades, but upon reflection, that doesn’t necessarily translate into real intimacy, especially as we previously only saw each other once or twice a year.
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She Said: The Seasonality of Sex

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To every season, turn, turn, turn…Like the seasons and the moon, our lives are cyclical. We wax and wane. There is growth and death, repeating itself time and time again.

There is a warmth during the Summer fueled by the sun, which nourishes us and allows us to expand. Come Winter, days become darker and shorter, a time to reflect and contract.

In this vein, the launch of the Summer of Sexiness eight months ago marked a huge expansion for me. I pressed edges as I experimented and experienced so much. I felt energized and alive during all of my adventures and explorations.

But, as autumn came and went, I was lethargic and less interested in sex. My desire waned significantly and I wondered if I was done. Then, as I got ready to welcome the Winter Solstice, I was reminded that there is nothing wrong with the need to go inward after such a sustained period of growth.
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Advice for Your Vice? The Ins and Outs of an Open Marriage

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Ever since we launched the Summer of Sexiness, friends as well as strangers have been intrigued by our sexploration. While there is, of course, the general titillation of sex and kink, there is also a genuine interest by some in the concept of an open marriage and more specifically, how they might consider something similar for themselves. This has been a very rewarding piece of sharing our story.

Make no mistake, although we are delighted with the way things are going for us, we are not advocates for open marriage, per se. Such an arrangement is not for everyone and I would never simply suggest that someone consider it unless they came to me and explicitly asked about it. But, since people are asking, I thought it might be useful to share my thoughts on why it works for us and what couples might consider if they want to explore such an arrangement for themselves.
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He Said: The Seasonality of Sex

It feels so good to have come this far.

And, yet, there is much more to investigate, so much further to go.

The above quotes are from Jeannie’s post The Seasonality of Sex and they sum up our current “quiet” period quite well. Whether it be winter condition (cold, dark) or just the result of several months of expansion, we’re currently in a period of contraction. And in her post, Jeannie acknowledges and honors this period while also recommitting to the next expansion.

I’m in awe at her ability to continually look inward, and then look outward; and to sum it all up in her posts. I may be living this entire experience along with her, but each time I read her next post, I learn something, too. In no way is this because she’s hiding anything (unless she does this as a playful tease) and in more ways it speaks to the value of communication, and the need for different methods of communication. See, there’s nothing explicitly stated in that post that she hasn’t expressed to me, but when it is written and described for an audience other than me, it takes on a larger meaning and reality. I’m now forced (in a good great way) to ponder her deeper meaning.

Nothing turns me on more than thinking about what Jeannie really wants, what lies beneath the obvious statements, and what can be drawn out if I can tap into her.

This blog was intended to help us document our exploration and to share it with others. It still is, and we are so happy to share. It has also served to give us an additional way to communicate with each other and one that is both deep and sexy. Each time I see a new post from Jeannie, I first think, “Yeah, whatever, I was there!” Then I read it and I say, “Wow! I didn’t even realize that _____ or that when I did _____ it sparked something so special!”

This entire exploration has served to heighten our intimacy and desire for one another. And then documenting it here, and reading it to ourselves, has served to heighten things even further. What a wonderful virtuous cycle! Now I can’t wait for Jeannie’s next post.

Singular or Plural?

Paper or plastic? Side of fries or a side salad? We have a lot of decisions to make on a daily basis. Most of them unimportant, some more pressing. In the context of the Summer of Sexiness, I have been grappling with what I want in the context of singular or plural. More specifically, do I want to date (singular) or do I want to play with others (plural)?

This dilemma has become more immediate since we signed up for a (new to us) dating app especially geared for polyamorous people. Initially, Viktor took the lead in identifying potential matches, focused on finding a guy to bring into our bedroom and has met at least two in person thus far. This has triggered me a bit, since such actions make things more real and tangible and I have had a few moments of (mild) panic. But I am not sure precisely where the fear lies. What am I afraid of?
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Back in the Saddle

person wearing cowboy boots riding on horse

So, not long after my Singular vs Plural post, I decided to jump into the deep end with both feet. I started liking a few profiles on the dating app and before I knew it (once I got over the initial panic of matching), I was engaged in several different conversations.

I had mostly selected single men. Not because I had specifically made the choice of singular over plural, but more because I felt that Viktor had the plural route covered with the connections he was making on the app.

Having never done online dating before (we got married back in the “dark ages,” pre- dating apps), the concept was foreign, yet intriguing as I read through a variety of people’s profiles. Mostly, I wanted to mix and match my preferred faces with the more alluring descriptions, but I did find a few that held both my visual and intellectual interest. I tried to match personal interests (yes to wine) with sexual predilections (no to anal) and soon had two dates scheduled for the following week.
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Keys to Kink: Research & Communication

Yeah, I know how this sounds… research and communication hardly sound like hot and sexy words or activities. And kink should be hot and sexy, right? Yep, for sure! And I’ll show you that research and communication are not only the keys to kink, they are hot and sexy as well. (At least in this context and maybe not so much to a student in the library at all hours. Unless their kink is a sexy librarian!)

Research

Starting with research, pick a kink and type it into your favorite search engine. (Put your browser in Incognito or Private mode if you are worries about this search being remembered.) I put in “Shibari” and all of the top links contain a combination of useful information, sexy imagery and/or hot and kinky videos. I challenge you to go online, or, GASP<!>, open a book to learn about a kink and NOT get turned on in the process. Even the most fundamental HOW TO guides have no choice but to venture into the erotic realm. Using my Shibari example, the fourth paragraph on the top search result reads as follows:

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