Turned on or tuned out?

person holding volume knob

While finding my desire and turn on can be a challenge in itself (see related post), there is another, equally challenging piece to the puzzle: staying present.

Although I was (blissfully) unaware that I was doing it, for years, I would check out during sex. Yes, my body was physically there, but my mind was elsewhere. I was going through the motions, but I was not truly engaged or connected to my partner. It wasn’t until I read Madeleine Castellanos’ book, Wanting to Want, that I became conscious of my tendency to wander, recognizing that I would literally zone out as if my mind and body were completely disconnected from one another. Continue reading Turned on or tuned out?

Desperately seeking desire…initial thoughts

Desperately seeking desireI had been trying to write this post for weeks, then months, but it continually seemed to elude me. Throughout the Summer of Sexiness, I have learned so much about the concept of desire, but have also discovered that there is so much more to it. I had initially thought that I was just seeking desire – the desire to have sex – but, as I proceed in my sexploration, I feel certain that desire is actually enmeshed in turn-on and arousal, so it is challenging to tease out the individual strands of this issue.

In this regard, I began this pursuit thinking that it was just a lack of desire – aka low libido – that was the root cause of my “problem.” But, I now see that it is much more layered and nuanced and that libido is important, but insufficient. There is more to unpack and learn here… Continue reading Desperately seeking desire…initial thoughts

All Tied Up … a busy birthday weekend!

art artistic blank book

My birthday is very important to me and I consider it to be my favorite holiday. Given its importance, Viktor knows how much I appreciate his attention to planning something special. This year, we decided to use rewards points to splurge on a stay at an upscale hotel. I booked the room for the Saturday night after my birthday, but, beyond that, I left the planning up to Viktor.

We are generally very open with one another and don’t keep secrets, so if one of us wants to plan anything clandestine, we have to be explicit in this intent. For example, on any given day, we receive a variety of packages from Amazon. Most of them are boring: dog food, undershirts, laundry detergent, etc. Given the mundane nature of such parcels, I usually open them upon receipt. However, when Viktor is up to something, he advises me not to open any packages, and I am happy to oblige. Continue reading All Tied Up … a busy birthday weekend!

Illuminating exits and entrances

light trails on road at night

During the safety briefing on a plane, we are advised that lights on the floor will illuminate the exits, making them easy to find in the dark. In some ways, exits themselves can be illuminating, making us more explicitly aware of what we do and don’t want. In the course of two-plus months, the appearance and disappearance of several people did just that and I am thankful for the lessons they provided as I continue along this journey.

Ever since our date at the Standard Hotel, Andy continued to text and occasionally telephone me. His texts and conversations were almost always overtly sexual and while I enjoyed the tantalizing nature of them, it was a bit intense for me to receive from someone I didn’t know well. Continue reading Illuminating exits and entrances

Masquerade: What Lies Beneath?

This one is long, but worth it!

Prelude

After Jeannie had previously attended two very enjoyable erotic parties, I still had yet to attend one. Finally in November, we were booked to attend together and I was very excited for this new chapter in our exploration. Being the Saturday after Halloween the theme was “masquerade” with the suggested attire as “fetish, fancy costumes, or masks” giving a very Eyes Wide Shut vibe to the event. Here’s part of the invitation to give you a taste – and to get you in the mood for the rest of this story…

Tonight we are entering a realm of mystery and seduction. A masked ball. So our ritual is about “What lies beneath”. Beneath the mask, beneath the costumes, beneath the facade we wear everyday. What do we want to take off? What do we want to reveal? And at the same time – what do we want to attract? A room of beautiful, interesting people, the music, flirtation, dancing, intrigue: what can we as a group whip up, what juicy sexy magic can we spin from thin air?

This type of invitation is just spectacular and it really sets the mood well before ever getting to the party. So much to unpack, in the best possible way! But, before we get to the party, let’s set the stage for Jeannie and Viktor.

Continue reading Masquerade: What Lies Beneath?

Eyes Wide Open

woman girl eyes blur

With an All Hallow’s Eve theme and mandate to don masks, the third erotic party I attended had a different feel to it from the very start. The hostess further suggested more formal attire than she had previously done, which imbued the event with an Eyes Wide Shut vibe. And, as an added dimension, she underscored the importance of being unmasked, revealing what lies beneath and exposing what is hidden from others.

Also, this was my first time attending this party with Viktor (I had attended the two previous ones without him — see Let’s Get this Party Started and Return to the Scene ) and with my friend, Dan. Their attendance added both excitement and anxiety as I considered their needs as well as my own. Continue reading Eyes Wide Open

He Said: Shame? Shame!

NOTE: This post is entirely based on my personal experience. Jeannie has posted a follow up (She Said: Shame? Shame!) because there’s a whole other, deeper, level of shame that she, and likely many women, experience. 

Shame is a huge topic and I won’t do it justice here. However, it’s been on my mind a lot lately and I’d like to address a few things. Most importantly, why is there still shame associated with so many things that should otherwise be positive? This question comes to me as I constantly consider who to let into “my inner circle” – basically, who among my friends and family get to see the real me and know all the truths about my life and lifestyle. Continue reading He Said: Shame? Shame!

She Said: Shame? Shame!

As always, I am in awe of Viktor and his vulnerability in sharing his personal thoughts and experiences with shame.

However, his post, as beautiful as it is, leaves out an element of shame that I think is an important aspect that should also be added to the conversation — namely, that of internal shame. I don’t know if men experience sexual shame in the same way (I questioned Viktor about it and this hasn’t been his personal experience), but I see for myself that I still harbor so much internal shame around sex and desire.

Like Viktor, I obviously can only write from my own experiences, but I do think that much of the cultural conditioning that I received as a child will have been similar, if not the same as many other women. In this regard, as young girls in the American culture, we are generally raised to think of sex as something sinful that we do solely for procreation or out of duty for our husbands. Continue reading She Said: Shame? Shame!

Anticipation

This passage from Vigyan Bhairav Tantra really resonates with me:

While being caressed, Sweet Princess, enter the caress as everlasting life.

And as with many things tantra, anticipation is an underlying theme. Maybe this passage doesn’t blatantly speak to anticipation, but I think you’ll see my point in a moment.

Jeannie and I have dabbled in tantra research, and recently she’s reading a book with some specific techniques. A few weeks ago she taught me a very basic tantric breathing technique and it was pretty incredible. So the other night when she asked if I was interested in trying another technique, I was all for it. Continue reading Anticipation

Tinder, Bumble & Hinge… Oh, My!

Dating apps suck!

Well, actually, what I learned is that people suck. And, guess what? People use dating apps. Let’s unpack this…

Dating apps don’t suck, people suck.

Before I go into my experience, let’s start with women looking for men. In an informal poll of single female friends using these apps, about a third of matches result in a dick pic within the first dozen messages and another third actually go somewhere — only to result in a dick pic before the first date. So, basically, two-thirds of matches go nowhere because there are no women out there that want to see your junk at this stage in the “relationship” (as there isn’t even a relationship yet.)

Guys – no one gets a date with a dick pic. NO ONE. Listen… NO ONE!

Continue reading Tinder, Bumble & Hinge… Oh, My!