Open Marriage, ENM, Compersion… Oh, My!

One thing I quickly learned as we began exploring an open marriage is that the terminology in this lifestyle can be complicated. (Here’s an accurate, but tongue in cheek summary of the lingo.) Open marriage seems simple enough and can even be found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary. I also began using the term polyamory until Jeannie pointed out an important nuance in that term. Those in a polyamorous relationship (often referred to as a Triad or a Quad, etc.) are committing long-term to all the members of that relationship. In many cases, they will all live together as well. So Jeannie was right in correcting me as we aren’t truly polyamorous. We have no desire to expand our current living arrangement.

It’s also interesting to note that language geeks hate the word polyamory because of it’s etymology:

polyamory2-229

There are also lots of somewhat interchangeable terms, each with its own nuance or baggage. One that I’ve come to use is Ethical Non-Monogamy, or ENM. In our case open marriage is more accurate since we are, in fact, married, and ENM is a broader term. So I guess I should stick with open marriage for the most part.

Continue reading Open Marriage, ENM, Compersion… Oh, My!

What to wear to a threesome

monochrome photo of woman laying on bed

Over the past two weeks, I had been texting back and forth with Jake and Mia (the couple I had met at the erotic party). They had initially invited me to join them at a swingers’ party, but I had another commitment on that date and we agreed that it would be better to connect as a threesome, rather than at a party, given my newness to the lifestyle.

We finally confirmed a date for the upcoming Friday. Friday morning, they advised me that they would get a hotel room in NJ (they live in NJ) and then text me the room number. I had always fantasized about participating in a threesome and was really looking forward to sharing the experience with them.  I spent the afternoon leisurely getting ready – bubble bath, primping, beautifying – and trying not to get too nervous. Continue reading What to wear to a threesome

He Said: The Full Swap Revealed

This will be a long post about our full swap with Jake and Mia. It will begin innocently, just as the night began. And, as with that night, this post will get more and more explicit…

As “awkward” was quickly replaced with “smokin’ hot!”

The plan was to meet Jake and Mia at the hotel bar, but as luck would have it, we found them checking in as we arrived. Jake immediately leaned in and gave Jeannie a passionate kiss, and then Mia did the same. Each of these actions aroused me immediately, and then I was faced with the awkward, “what do I do?” moment. (I did nothing, yet.) There would be a few of these, but “awkward” was quickly replaced with “smokin’ hot!” so it was worth it.

Before going to the bar, we went to drop stuff off in our room and Mia proceeded to shower. While in the shower, Jake began kissing and fondling Jeannie; then after a few minutes looked up at me and said, “May I kiss your wife?” As I responded, “Of course,” Jeannie was saying to Jake, “Honey, I think that ship sailed long ago!” I next said, “May I share?” and Jake responded, “Sharing is caring.” While he and I had previously exchanged a few text messages and he made it pretty clear that they “enjoy it all” I still needed to find my footing.

I was very turned on that Mia was dressed so sexily… and specifically for me.

Continue reading He Said: The Full Swap Revealed

Return to the Scene of the Sublime

abstract adult art back

OK, this is admittedly a really long post, but it was a jam-packed party filled with lots of erotic encounters, so I hope you will enjoy the lengthy read almost as much as I enjoyed living the experience.

Since I had really enjoyed my first erotic party, I was eager to attend the same event a month later. And, while I had always known that Hank would also be at the party, my decision to attend was based solely on my own desires. So, I did look forward to spending time with him, but also hoped to meet other people and press new edges. Hank had talked about us playing together with some other (unknown) woman – me sitting on his face, while instructing her to give him a blow job, but how such a scene would come to fruition was nebulous and I expressed equal parts potential interest and trepidation. Continue reading Return to the Scene of the Sublime

House Guest with a Twist

photography of bedroom

After our marathon Memorial Day Weekend date, I didn’t hear from Hank much and the week that followed was quiet and uneventful in that regard. Then I departed for Italy, during which time texts from Hank were limited at best and I began to question his interest in what we were doing. I was loathe to chase him and instead waited to see what would happen. We finally made plans for the weekend of the next erotic party, but his attention was still a bit lackluster and our actual plans were only half formed, so I was admittedly anxious at the date drew near. Continue reading House Guest with a Twist

Lead up to the Full Swap

Prerequisite post: Swinging: The Full Swap Explained

At this point, Jeannie had explored outercourse with two new men. Over the course of less than a half dozen dates, she’d experienced most of what she wanted to try with these two men. She also met a couple at one of the two parties she attended and they were very much interested in a full swap. Meanwhile, all I’d done is make out with a young woman at a Brooklyn bar and a (super hot!) surfer dude on the beach in LA. I felt like I was a little behind, but as the opportunity for a full swap presented itself with a couple that Jeannie was comfortable with, I was definitely interested.

Of course, as experienced swingers, their idea of “meet me” was to “fuck me.”

Jeannie already spent a night with Jake and Mia… and not only did everyone enjoy themselves, but they enjoyed Jeannie’s stories enough that they wanted to meet me as well. Of course, as experienced swingers, their idea of “meet me” was to “fuck me.” And between what Jeannie shared of her experience with them, and a few simple photos, I was most definitely interested. I found Mia to be very attractive and while a photo of him didn’t turn me on, I’ve found that how a man looks doesn’t (usually) turn me on, but how he acts can get me very interested.

Continue reading Lead up to the Full Swap

A Tale of Two Dates

blur carefree cute feelings

After my first date with Hank, our texting morphed into sexting, which was a new experience for me  — my previous dating experiences were in the olden (aka pre-cellphone) days. Hearing my phone ding with the arrival of his sexts became almost Pavlovian as I became aroused by his missives expressing his desire to kiss me all over, taste my wetness and share an erotic dream he had had.

But, it was clear that we both wanted to move things from the virtual to the actual, so Hank and I arranged to meet up on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend for a picnic. He suggested that we could pick up sandwiches and some wine when I got to his neighborhood, but I texted back that I had a much different picnic in mind. Rather, I was imagining a sensual picnic with strawberries, blueberries, whipped cream and chocolate. He immediately acquiesced to the new plan and even asked me which kind of whipped cream he should buy.
Continue reading A Tale of Two Dates

Swinging: The Full Swap Explained

In swinger circles there is a lot of insider shorthand used to communicate effectively. While some of it seems a little silly, the intent is to assure that everyone has an effective way of communicating clearly. This is super important as individuals or couples may have certain behaviors or activities they really want to try, or others that are completely off the table. Upfront communication is critical.

Consent and communication are key. And NOTHING is permissible without consent.

Take, for example, the critical boundaries set by couples as they engage with each other. If two couples agree to swap, one of the first things they will agree upon is that the activity is a Soft Swap (outercourse only) or a Full Swap (intercourse permissible.) Further, participants need to clearly communicate any “hard limits” (activities they will not allow) and/or anything they may really want to experience. Consent and communication are key. And NOTHING is permissible without consent.

Continue reading Swinging: The Full Swap Explained

Act I, Scene I

black and white coffee couple cups

After we met at an erotic party (See Let’s Get This Party Started), Hank and I texted back and forth during the week, eventually setting up dinner plans. As we counted down the days to our date, I was excited and filled with wonder. All week I buzzed with energetic arousal like never before. I still felt ungrounded, alive, aflame! It was amazing and exhausting all at once.

Plus, there was the anticipation of a first date after 20+ years. What to wear? What would I say? And, more importantly, what did I want? As I was getting dressed, I was texting with my friend T who asked me what my desires for the date might be. I told her that I wanted to have an open and honest conversation with Hank, get to know him better and feel out what might about what might be possible for our non-conventional relationship. I desired to feel his desire; to feel his gaze and attention; and for him to sensually kiss me on the back of my neck. Then, I headed out the door and was on my way.

Continue reading Act I, Scene I

Let’s Get this Party Started

woman holding heart shape with hands

In early May, I went to an erotic party with my friend T. Both of us were nervous and excited to attend, not knowing what to expect or what we wanted out of the evening. I just knew that I wanted to be open to new experiences and to really participate, not just watch from the sidelines. Along those lines, I used the event’s pink pleasure theme as an excuse to purchase a new set of sexy lingerie. I also knew that I didn’t want to have sex with a stranger, but, did I want to connect with anyone? And, if so, to what extent did I want to engage?

Soon after we arrived, T and I were introduced to Hank who was giving each guest a tour of the space and also introduced folks to another. Awhile later, the party got underway; first, with a ritual, welcoming everyone and then, the host demonstrated consent: a key element to the party. At this point, the party was set in motion.

Continue reading Let’s Get this Party Started